In your lifetime there are moments...years in history that will leave a mark forever. There are those occasions where one can say "I remember exactly where I was when..."
There are so many really, it would be hard to name them all. But in my world, in my life I can think of some moments that really stand out clearly, some dates on a calendar that will be forever etched in my mind. Here is just a few...
January 1986 when the Challenger exploded. I was on my lunch break and was sitting in my car listening to the live coverage of this momentous occasion on the radio. I had just taken a bite of food when I heard the announcer trip over his words in utter confusion and then say there had been a horrible accident...I will never forget it.
August 1990 when The Persian Gulf war was announced. I was 23 and living alone in Florida, I was home from work and sitting on the floor watching the news when the official announcement was mentioned. I immediately picked up the phone and called my Dad crying...I was petrified.
August 1997 when Princess Diana died in a car crash. I was a new, single, mother. I was lying on the couch watching Friends when the news broke in about Diana. For some reason it hit me very hard. Maybe hormones still, I'm not sure, but I cried for a week at the tragic loss of such a sweet and troubled soul.
July 1999 when JFK Juniors plane was lost at sea. I was unemployed and in the middle of a major move. I had made the decision to leave New England and head to Arkansas to be near my parents for a little while. My house was partially packed and I had been following the news of this story for days. I was horrified by it. I had met John, the summer I spent on the compound with RFK's kids. Again I cried for a week!
September 2001, just days after my son was born, when America was attacked and all hell broke loose in New York. I was in my own personal hell, I had fled a seriously dangerous marriage and was living with my parents for the time being. I had just dropped my daughter off at school and decided to stop in for a quick visit for my baby and his father, no sooner had I walked in the door the news broke to live coverage of the happenings in New York. That moment altered my step in more ways than one. I will never forget it.
May 2013 when on a clear, crisp, spring day, three people celebrated love, friendship, Cinco De Mayo, and the bright futures ahead. Futures that would not be...I was right there, I remember it all, I smell it and I hear it...every day. As far as I have moved, I never left...or it is just following me...I'm not sure which. The sky was so blue, the air was chill, gulls were singing and ropes on the masts of the boats in the harbor were clanging with the waving of the water. I smell eggs and toast, I taste cheesecake, champagne tickles my nose and tequila burns my throat. Laughter fills my head and joy floods my whole body. I am having so very much fun with two people I love so dearly. I am on cloud 9...in my element. This day was for me, the surprises were for me. It is the day that changed who I am, who I was. Nothing will ever be the same...I will never be the same. I will never forget it. I miss those three people with every fiber of my being.
It sure was a year love...wouldn't you say? Right from the word go...try as we did it never got too good in the few short months we had. It was a time of painful discoveries and unwanted troubles. But it too was a time of renewed hope and new beginnings. Our future was so bright, we wanted it so much and worked so hard and loved so deep. I don't know why it was not meant to be for us. I don't know if I will ever know.
All of our futures were so bright.
And with closing the door on 2013 and walking into a new year alone, I do not feel a sense of hope or of new beginnings. I do not feel I can freely transition to one from the other with so much left unsaid if you will. So much left where it fell. It's like feng shui, that says 'never leave dishes in the sink overnight...you don't want to start a brand new day with yesterdays mess'. I'm afraid I am starting a brand new year with last years mess still so fresh.
I will walk through that door though, with my head held high. I will do the hard work and I will fight the good fight for you, for Evelyn and for me. I will do my very best to walk out of the shadows of this haunting year and create a new future full of memories, beauty and joy.
I love you my David...with all that I am, I love you. I love you Evelyn my friend, my sister, my confidant. I cherish our last moments of joy together, of laughter and giggles and secrets. I will cherish all the moments of your last day on this earth, both of you, as hard as it is, I feel honored.
Goodbye 2013.
Facebook Posts to My Husband...
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
No Christmas Here
It is just four days away from Christmas, I don't know what I am doing, where I am going or if I will even get out of bed. Oh, I know I will, I always do...if my eyes are open then I am up.
It is not Christmas in this house.
We have no tree.
We have no lights.
There is no garland.
Nor holiday cards placed around.
There are no gifts wrapped and prettily displayed.
No Christmas songs being sung.
No Christmas cheer at all.
There is no joy here.
I know the life you see here is not what you would want, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want right now. I can't be happy for you, I can't live the life you would want me to right now. I'm in a hole and I can't get out. I'm scared to death David, I'm scared because I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live without you. I've done that, I did that...I lived 27 years without you and I did it well. I was happy and strong and full of life. I overcame hardships and became better for it. Life was good...life was great. Then came you.
You showed me all I had been missing. You loved me more deeply than I ever thought was possible. You made me happier than I have ever been in all my life. You made me want for more and crave it all. We were so excited about our future and the plans we were making. The moments of our life together were filled with love and lessons and new traditions. This was it, this was our bliss...what we had longed for our whole lives and never found. But then we did, in each other and it was so great...lumps and bumps and all. It was ours and I loved it...I loved you.
So you see, I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to live a new life, make new memories...nothing. I want to be with you. I just want to be with you David.
I don't want to do this anymore.
It is not Christmas in this house.
We have no tree.
We have no lights.
There is no garland.
Nor holiday cards placed around.
There are no gifts wrapped and prettily displayed.
No Christmas songs being sung.
No Christmas cheer at all.
There is no joy here.
I know the life you see here is not what you would want, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want right now. I can't be happy for you, I can't live the life you would want me to right now. I'm in a hole and I can't get out. I'm scared to death David, I'm scared because I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live without you. I've done that, I did that...I lived 27 years without you and I did it well. I was happy and strong and full of life. I overcame hardships and became better for it. Life was good...life was great. Then came you.
You showed me all I had been missing. You loved me more deeply than I ever thought was possible. You made me happier than I have ever been in all my life. You made me want for more and crave it all. We were so excited about our future and the plans we were making. The moments of our life together were filled with love and lessons and new traditions. This was it, this was our bliss...what we had longed for our whole lives and never found. But then we did, in each other and it was so great...lumps and bumps and all. It was ours and I loved it...I loved you.
So you see, I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to live a new life, make new memories...nothing. I want to be with you. I just want to be with you David.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
A Dream
This morning I dreamt of you...second time ever and first time that you were a main character.
The tone of the dream seemed rushed. I was frantically walking all over the place looking for something and you were helping me I guess. I know you were dead, yet I could see you with me. I could touch you and kiss you and talk to you.
At one point I was standing among some people outside an old abandoned hospital and a woman said we're going to turn it into an apartment building, I remember saying 'wow, that's gonna be a shitload of apartments'. Writing this now I am thinking that the hospital is the last place all of us last saw our loved ones and now it is like a ghost town and being turned into apartments for all of us to live in. Strange.
We were walking with a group down a road, I think we were looking for Evelyn because I remember telling the people that it wasn't only you I watched disappear but Evelyn too, and stopped to go into a store, you held the door open for us and I noticed you were wearing your Vans but there was a hole in the right one and your toe was poking through, you weren't wearing socks. That wasn't like you at all. Inside you were showing me something on a laptop, I remember seeing your hand, your finger touched a spot on the laptop screen and I realized you were teaching me something and I was amazed that I was still learning things from you even though you were dead. I felt so much crushing and overwhelming love for you.
Sometimes you were with me, and sometimes you weren't. I was so messed up because I knew you were dead but I could still see you. I was in the building that was being converted into apartments and there was a woman in one of the rooms, I think she had lost her son, I think we had been searching for him too now that I write this. I told her I lost someone too, two someones to be exact...she said she could tell because I was so miserable and sad and my pain was written all over my face. I asked her if she could tell when sometimes I was kind of okay. She said yes. I told her that was because it was then that you were with me and I could see you and talk to you and touch you. It was all wrong though...I was still heartbroken because you were dead.
Just as I'm writing this, trying to figure out what it all means...I am remembering that last night I was thinking about how I miss our time together so desperately. That I have sat on this couch and eaten dinner by myself most every night for seven months. How much I loved to massage your hands and feet at night. How freaking lonely I am and that I have moved into such a deep dark place of sadness. How long it has been since I have any big sign from you. How I was thinking to myself that all I really want is to be with you.
I guess not understanding what the dream meant isn't the important part...what is important is that I recognize parts of my real life inside the dream. I guess that means you are with me and you can hear my thoughts...and that is pretty extraordinary.
Thank you David. Thank you for coming to me when I'm needing you most. I'm not doing well and knowing you are here helping me as best you can means a lot to me. I miss you so very much love...so very much.
The tone of the dream seemed rushed. I was frantically walking all over the place looking for something and you were helping me I guess. I know you were dead, yet I could see you with me. I could touch you and kiss you and talk to you.
At one point I was standing among some people outside an old abandoned hospital and a woman said we're going to turn it into an apartment building, I remember saying 'wow, that's gonna be a shitload of apartments'. Writing this now I am thinking that the hospital is the last place all of us last saw our loved ones and now it is like a ghost town and being turned into apartments for all of us to live in. Strange.
We were walking with a group down a road, I think we were looking for Evelyn because I remember telling the people that it wasn't only you I watched disappear but Evelyn too, and stopped to go into a store, you held the door open for us and I noticed you were wearing your Vans but there was a hole in the right one and your toe was poking through, you weren't wearing socks. That wasn't like you at all. Inside you were showing me something on a laptop, I remember seeing your hand, your finger touched a spot on the laptop screen and I realized you were teaching me something and I was amazed that I was still learning things from you even though you were dead. I felt so much crushing and overwhelming love for you.
Sometimes you were with me, and sometimes you weren't. I was so messed up because I knew you were dead but I could still see you. I was in the building that was being converted into apartments and there was a woman in one of the rooms, I think she had lost her son, I think we had been searching for him too now that I write this. I told her I lost someone too, two someones to be exact...she said she could tell because I was so miserable and sad and my pain was written all over my face. I asked her if she could tell when sometimes I was kind of okay. She said yes. I told her that was because it was then that you were with me and I could see you and talk to you and touch you. It was all wrong though...I was still heartbroken because you were dead.
Just as I'm writing this, trying to figure out what it all means...I am remembering that last night I was thinking about how I miss our time together so desperately. That I have sat on this couch and eaten dinner by myself most every night for seven months. How much I loved to massage your hands and feet at night. How freaking lonely I am and that I have moved into such a deep dark place of sadness. How long it has been since I have any big sign from you. How I was thinking to myself that all I really want is to be with you.
I guess not understanding what the dream meant isn't the important part...what is important is that I recognize parts of my real life inside the dream. I guess that means you are with me and you can hear my thoughts...and that is pretty extraordinary.
Thank you David. Thank you for coming to me when I'm needing you most. I'm not doing well and knowing you are here helping me as best you can means a lot to me. I miss you so very much love...so very much.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
A heavy heart
It's a Saturday morning...GiGi is at work and I am sitting on the couch wondering what the hell has happened in my life.
I have a steaming cup of Salted Caramel coffee at hand and my laptop on me knees and I'm looking through the many job boards I have on my desktop...I'm coming to realize I'm not qualified for much. I am not a nurse, I am not a physician, a social worker or a teacher. Nor am I a truck driver...the boards are loaded with opportunities for these fields, but not much else.
I saw some listings for Fall River, so then in my head I was hearing how you used to say it and then I am crying...crying for you David. Asking what happened and where are you. I know this is real, I know you are gone and won't be walking through the door ever again, but my heart is really struggling with accepting it all.
I can't stop seeing you that day babe...the last moments of your life are burned into my eyes and my brain and it's tearing me apart each and every day. Don't get me wrong, I've traveled far but that doesn't mean what people think it does. It only means I have learned how to walk these many many miles carrying tons of hurt and pain. The alternative I guess would have been to lay there and let it bury me. Well, I didn't do that. I got up and figured out how to put one foot in front of the other with the weight of the world on my back. It's so damn hard and so damn exhausting. Many days I don't think I can do it for one more freaking second, the thought of doing this forever is so overwhelming and that in itself wants to bring me to my knees.
The mask I wear... the smile you see, the steps I take, it's not genuine. This grief threads itself through every aspect of my life and right now my life is just about going through the motions of getting through the day. I have to remind myself to breath all the time, something I never paid attention to before...now it's all I can think of. Everything is a huge and tremendous effort. I'm afraid all the time. How do I return to my life, clean the house, cook the meals, pay the bills, make the decisions, help the kids...it all feels like the most torturous task ever.
I have never been afraid of being alone, I had my life in good working order...A home, a small but steady income, family...now everything is upside down and it's very frightening. Now everything is just so very upside down...
Well, I guess that was my boo hoo session for today. I'm sorry to burden you with it all but it's your job...you have to listen to me and you have to love me no matter what, right?!? Please send me strength to continue babe, I seem to need it now more than ever. What I thought would get easier only gets harder.
I love love love you - Me
I have a steaming cup of Salted Caramel coffee at hand and my laptop on me knees and I'm looking through the many job boards I have on my desktop...I'm coming to realize I'm not qualified for much. I am not a nurse, I am not a physician, a social worker or a teacher. Nor am I a truck driver...the boards are loaded with opportunities for these fields, but not much else.
I saw some listings for Fall River, so then in my head I was hearing how you used to say it and then I am crying...crying for you David. Asking what happened and where are you. I know this is real, I know you are gone and won't be walking through the door ever again, but my heart is really struggling with accepting it all.
I can't stop seeing you that day babe...the last moments of your life are burned into my eyes and my brain and it's tearing me apart each and every day. Don't get me wrong, I've traveled far but that doesn't mean what people think it does. It only means I have learned how to walk these many many miles carrying tons of hurt and pain. The alternative I guess would have been to lay there and let it bury me. Well, I didn't do that. I got up and figured out how to put one foot in front of the other with the weight of the world on my back. It's so damn hard and so damn exhausting. Many days I don't think I can do it for one more freaking second, the thought of doing this forever is so overwhelming and that in itself wants to bring me to my knees.
The mask I wear... the smile you see, the steps I take, it's not genuine. This grief threads itself through every aspect of my life and right now my life is just about going through the motions of getting through the day. I have to remind myself to breath all the time, something I never paid attention to before...now it's all I can think of. Everything is a huge and tremendous effort. I'm afraid all the time. How do I return to my life, clean the house, cook the meals, pay the bills, make the decisions, help the kids...it all feels like the most torturous task ever.
I have never been afraid of being alone, I had my life in good working order...A home, a small but steady income, family...now everything is upside down and it's very frightening. Now everything is just so very upside down...
Well, I guess that was my boo hoo session for today. I'm sorry to burden you with it all but it's your job...you have to listen to me and you have to love me no matter what, right?!? Please send me strength to continue babe, I seem to need it now more than ever. What I thought would get easier only gets harder.
I love love love you - Me
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Seven
I've been on this seven month journey.
A journey where each minute lasts a lifetime.
A journey where you should have been walking with me.
A journey where every step hurts for the sharp edges of my broken heart.
A journey where at the start...I died. I died but didn't leave.
You left. Evelyn left. I stayed.
I've looked for your hand to hold,
I've listened for your voice to guide me.
I've searched for your face everywhere I go.
I have not found you and oh how I've looked, how I've prayed.
I died...but did not leave.
I've been on this seven month journey.
Where I am so desperately in love with a dead man...that is something hard to reconcile.
I have had to learn how to live with this new rhythm of my heart, it no longer beats as it once did.
My eyes see different. The horror is still burned on them, I struggle with that often, but I've learned how to shake my way back to light.
My eyes see different...they now see for two.
I am moving, I am crawling my way up and out, I am walking forward.
I look backwards as much as forwards...looking for you? Seeing how far I've gone?
I'm not sure, it's all so distorted. Each step is shrouded in pain and fear and confusion.
I know a lot has happened since you've been gone, I know I've traveled a long way.
I know this in my head...by the page on the calendar... by the chill in the air.
My heart has trouble accepting it's new reality...it's new forever.
My heart has trouble beating without you David.
It wrestles with accepting new hopes, new dreams, new memories and new joys...but accept it must, and accept it will...some day.
I've been on this seven month journey, where each minute lasts a lifetime. I am ready for what comes next.
I love you still, and I miss you always.
XOXO - your girl.
A journey where each minute lasts a lifetime.
A journey where you should have been walking with me.
A journey where every step hurts for the sharp edges of my broken heart.
A journey where at the start...I died. I died but didn't leave.
You left. Evelyn left. I stayed.
I've looked for your hand to hold,
I've listened for your voice to guide me.
I've searched for your face everywhere I go.
I have not found you and oh how I've looked, how I've prayed.
I died...but did not leave.
I've been on this seven month journey.
Where I am so desperately in love with a dead man...that is something hard to reconcile.
I have had to learn how to live with this new rhythm of my heart, it no longer beats as it once did.
My eyes see different. The horror is still burned on them, I struggle with that often, but I've learned how to shake my way back to light.
My eyes see different...they now see for two.
I am moving, I am crawling my way up and out, I am walking forward.
I look backwards as much as forwards...looking for you? Seeing how far I've gone?
I'm not sure, it's all so distorted. Each step is shrouded in pain and fear and confusion.
I know a lot has happened since you've been gone, I know I've traveled a long way.
I know this in my head...by the page on the calendar... by the chill in the air.
My heart has trouble accepting it's new reality...it's new forever.
My heart has trouble beating without you David.
It wrestles with accepting new hopes, new dreams, new memories and new joys...but accept it must, and accept it will...some day.
I've been on this seven month journey, where each minute lasts a lifetime. I am ready for what comes next.
I love you still, and I miss you always.
XOXO - your girl.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
You're my Angel...
Struggling is the theme for today...ha, more like the theme for the month, the year even. But let's focus on today.
Today is the day before Thanksgiving. The one day set aside in a whole year of days, that everyone everywhere gathers together to give thanks for family, life, loved ones, and...well you get the picture.
I am thankful, I am. I always have been. I go to bed every night, um...almost every night, and I say thank you for all that I have...all that I am blessed with. I've always taught my children that we may not have all that we want, but we always have WAY more than we need.
It has been an excruciating year, right from midnight 2013 and it fell off the charts on May 5th. The day the music died, the day my life stopped spinning, the day my heart shattered in a million pieces. The day my best friend, my love, my husband died...along with a very dear girlfriend.
So yeah, struggling is the theme for today.
I made it out of the grocery store and stood in the pouring rain, arms full of bags. And I cried. I slogged to the car and got in saying 'Oh my God David, oh my God.' I started the car, drove to the light and waited for the color green. I hit the radio power button and I heard...
Today is the day before Thanksgiving. The one day set aside in a whole year of days, that everyone everywhere gathers together to give thanks for family, life, loved ones, and...well you get the picture.
I am thankful, I am. I always have been. I go to bed every night, um...almost every night, and I say thank you for all that I have...all that I am blessed with. I've always taught my children that we may not have all that we want, but we always have WAY more than we need.
It has been an excruciating year, right from midnight 2013 and it fell off the charts on May 5th. The day the music died, the day my life stopped spinning, the day my heart shattered in a million pieces. The day my best friend, my love, my husband died...along with a very dear girlfriend.
So yeah, struggling is the theme for today.
I made it out of the grocery store and stood in the pouring rain, arms full of bags. And I cried. I slogged to the car and got in saying 'Oh my God David, oh my God.' I started the car, drove to the light and waited for the color green. I hit the radio power button and I heard...
Don't know what I'm gonna do about this feeling inside
Yes it's true, loneliness took me for a ride
Without your love I'm nothing but a beggar
Without your love a dog without a bone
What can I do? I'm sleepin' in this bed alone
Come and save me tonight
You're the reason I live
You're the reason I die
You're the reason I give when I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why
Baby, baby, bayayby
You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Yeah, come and make it alright
You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
I cried harder and then I was done...On to the next moments of my day.
Friday, November 22, 2013
November 21, 2013
It's been a tough bunch of days, I have fallen apart so very often. I'm clawing my way through but my days have been so heavy lately.
I was driving and devising a plan for the idea of the next act of kindness...and I was wavering. I was telling you who...should I, shouldn't I...and at that precise moment the song Time of your Life came on the radio and I knew you liked my plan. And so it shall be...
I was driving and devising a plan for the idea of the next act of kindness...and I was wavering. I was telling you who...should I, shouldn't I...and at that precise moment the song Time of your Life came on the radio and I knew you liked my plan. And so it shall be...
It's something unpredictable,
but in the end it's right...
I hope you had the time of your life.
November 19, 2013
Every minute of every day.
My brain is on overload, it just won't stop...
I'm shaking my head, blinking, deep breathing and counting letters as fast as I can...nothing is working.
Your face is burned into my soul and I think of you so very much.
Saying I miss you sounds foolish to my ears, because what I feel is so much more than that. Truthfully it is like my heart went with you yet I'm still living... even without it...even without you.
I love you my David...I just love you.
My brain is on overload, it just won't stop...
I'm shaking my head, blinking, deep breathing and counting letters as fast as I can...nothing is working.
Your face is burned into my soul and I think of you so very much.
Saying I miss you sounds foolish to my ears, because what I feel is so much more than that. Truthfully it is like my heart went with you yet I'm still living... even without it...even without you.
I love you my David...I just love you.
November 16, 2013
The celebration continues for my birthday.
I was in Newport at a Vineyard...learning, sipping and laughing with Kristen. One of the very many things on our new life to do list that never happened.
Today I went by the spot where you proposed, and also the 'palace' that was our one night 'mock' honeymoon.
I sat and ate with a friend and spoke of you... and all the while inside I was screaming, screaming for you and missing you huge.
I had a great day, maybe you were there...
I was in Newport at a Vineyard...learning, sipping and laughing with Kristen. One of the very many things on our new life to do list that never happened.
Today I went by the spot where you proposed, and also the 'palace' that was our one night 'mock' honeymoon.
I sat and ate with a friend and spoke of you... and all the while inside I was screaming, screaming for you and missing you huge.
I had a great day, maybe you were there...
November 12, 2013
I need you with me babe...I am having a horrible time with visions, they are relentless the last few days.
I can't seem to escape this nightmare.
I miss you.
I can't seem to escape this nightmare.
I miss you.
November 9, 2013
For me...a birthday celebration.
I love you Kate...thank you so much for my David flowers and my Evelyn cheesecake but mostly thanks for you, your friendship...our friendship means everything to me.
I'm very thankful for you and knowing we share a special bond...you were with me during a very dark moment in time and I will never forget that.
I'm struggling without you love...it only gets worse.
I love you Kate...thank you so much for my David flowers and my Evelyn cheesecake but mostly thanks for you, your friendship...our friendship means everything to me.
I'm very thankful for you and knowing we share a special bond...you were with me during a very dark moment in time and I will never forget that.
I'm struggling without you love...it only gets worse.
November 7, 2013
It is my birthday.
For you, today I bought a bouquet of flowers. I then found a woman to give them to...I asked if she would accept them and I told her why and gave her the 'gift card'. I am 'giving' as fast as I can babe...all for you.
I love you and I miss you terribly, but I know you have been with me these past several days because I've seen the signs.
1:11
For you, today I bought a bouquet of flowers. I then found a woman to give them to...I asked if she would accept them and I told her why and gave her the 'gift card'. I am 'giving' as fast as I can babe...all for you.
I love you and I miss you terribly, but I know you have been with me these past several days because I've seen the signs.
1:11
A meal for you...a meal for me
November 5, 2013
Before you came to see me for the first time in 27 years, I asked you what your favorite meal was...what you wanted me to cook you your first night there.
Well babe...I think you asked for it again tonight,because I cooked it for myself for the first time since you left.
I sat in your spot on the couch and ate by myself and had a glass of wine...all in your honor. I hope you enjoyed!
I love you. xoxo
11:11
Before you came to see me for the first time in 27 years, I asked you what your favorite meal was...what you wanted me to cook you your first night there.
Well babe...I think you asked for it again tonight,because I cooked it for myself for the first time since you left.
I sat in your spot on the couch and ate by myself and had a glass of wine...all in your honor. I hope you enjoyed!
I love you. xoxo
11:11
David John Machado Random Acts of Kindness Month
The month of November has so many reminders that you are not with me, that you are missing from this life I am trying so hard to live.
Towards the end of October it started hitting me hard...each day is a struggle, but this quickly approaching month is going to be full of days that wish to bring me to my knees...days undoubtedly harder than every other. How do I brace myself for this next wave...the one threatening to pull me under? How strong do I have to be to open a door and walk through knowing that on the other side the pain is going to be excruciating? Knowing there is no other alternative but to do this...I have to walk this walk in order to come out beyond these days. I have no choice but to open this door and go inside the month of November.
I will celebrate, I will focus my pain into something bigger than it...I will love you my David and I will share you with others, that is how I will gather strength for the coming days. So I devised the following and posted it on Facebook and I have kept this purpose in my sights...it will be the light at the end of a month long, painful tunnel.
Towards the end of October it started hitting me hard...each day is a struggle, but this quickly approaching month is going to be full of days that wish to bring me to my knees...days undoubtedly harder than every other. How do I brace myself for this next wave...the one threatening to pull me under? How strong do I have to be to open a door and walk through knowing that on the other side the pain is going to be excruciating? Knowing there is no other alternative but to do this...I have to walk this walk in order to come out beyond these days. I have no choice but to open this door and go inside the month of November.
I will celebrate, I will focus my pain into something bigger than it...I will love you my David and I will share you with others, that is how I will gather strength for the coming days. So I devised the following and posted it on Facebook and I have kept this purpose in my sights...it will be the light at the end of a month long, painful tunnel.
David John Machado Random Acts of Kindness Month
At an early age I learned of random 'acts of kindness' and 'paying it forward' from my parents, they did it Always and they did it in a big way...it is something I have strived to do my whole life.
When my husband first 'witnessed me in the act' he thought it was such a great thing that he became a doer too...it sort of became a friendly competition between us at times...trying to see who had outdone the other. Nothing makes you feel better than doing for others.
So, with this in mind, I have decided that I am going to celebrate my beautiful David and his birthday, November 23rd, by doing random acts of kindness in his honor all month and I hope that you will choose to join me. What better way to memorialize one man's life by simply helping another. If you wish to participate in this birthday gift giving, I ask that you please copy the words below onto a slip of paper to be presented to the recipient of your kind act...It is my wish that we create a HUGE chain reaction of greatness! I would LOVE to hear back about the kindness that is being generated in honor of David...I believe he would be very touched.
You have received this random act of kindness
in honor of David John Machado who drowned
off the coast of Gloucester MA on May 5, 2013.
David was a loving, kind and giving man who lived
for helping others. So on what would be his 49th
birthday I hope that we have made you smile and
brightened your day just a little, and our wish is
that you would choose to pay it forward and
present this note along with your 'gift'
in honor of my husband David.
PEACE
Sunday, November 17, 2013
The War Within and Without...
This grief of mine, I've mentioned it so often, but it's just such a phenomenon to me.
I liken it to a war between the In's and the outs...
I mean, I can feel a certain kind of peace, a calmness or a settling of spirit...I'm not sure what to call it because it is not anything I've ever felt before. I can differentiate between good moments and bad moments...I know the two, I live in them both. It's the moments of joy that I seem to
The "In's"...where pain, sorrow, loneliness, confusion and unanswered questions live. Where the need and wanting of my love David sit. Where the shattered dreams and stolen moments of our future together reside. Where the clawing and scratching and biting screams of my broken heart rest... just below the surface. I am in agony always, it has become second nature at this point. Tears are always at the ready...they sit at the ready for fall. It is like a scream that you feel the need to scream yet you don't. You hold it in. It is there at the ready, always, but you fight like a warrior to keep it where it is...In.
The "outs"...where pain, sorrow, loneliness, confusion and unanswered questions live. Where everything that my eyes see floods my heart with hurt...everything. Every sight, every sip, every taste, every smile, every joke, everything, everything, everything brings home that I am alone in this experience. That the one person I declared out loud that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with that I would love until I died, is not by my side holding my hand and finding joy in this experience. It is a hot, heavy, searing pain that won't go away...
The "outs"...where life is still turning, where moments are happening, where birds are singing and the sun is shining. Where I feel at odds with myself and the universe. Where I laugh and joke and dance and sing. Where I feel a happiness in the good...the great, moments. Where I feel a kind of joy, one that is vastly different from the joys I used to feel but it is my new joy right now. It is a joy steeped in sadness but that is okay at this point in my journey. I do all that I do every day with my husband in the forefront of my mind. When I cook, when I drive, when I laugh a laugh that comes from my heart and the core of who I am...I am doing it all with my David in mind...I am doing it all for my David.
I am cherishing the moment that are good, and the moments that are great. I am respecting the moments that are hard and bad and painful and I am learning from them. I am learning how high I've climbed and how far I've come. I am learning that I am on the right track and I am going to win this race. I'll probably have tears streaming down my face...but I will win with David in my heart.
I liken it to a war between the In's and the outs...
I mean, I can feel a certain kind of peace, a calmness or a settling of spirit...I'm not sure what to call it because it is not anything I've ever felt before. I can differentiate between good moments and bad moments...I know the two, I live in them both. It's the moments of joy that I seem to
The "In's"...where pain, sorrow, loneliness, confusion and unanswered questions live. Where the need and wanting of my love David sit. Where the shattered dreams and stolen moments of our future together reside. Where the clawing and scratching and biting screams of my broken heart rest... just below the surface. I am in agony always, it has become second nature at this point. Tears are always at the ready...they sit at the ready for fall. It is like a scream that you feel the need to scream yet you don't. You hold it in. It is there at the ready, always, but you fight like a warrior to keep it where it is...In.
The "outs"...where pain, sorrow, loneliness, confusion and unanswered questions live. Where everything that my eyes see floods my heart with hurt...everything. Every sight, every sip, every taste, every smile, every joke, everything, everything, everything brings home that I am alone in this experience. That the one person I declared out loud that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with that I would love until I died, is not by my side holding my hand and finding joy in this experience. It is a hot, heavy, searing pain that won't go away...
The "outs"...where life is still turning, where moments are happening, where birds are singing and the sun is shining. Where I feel at odds with myself and the universe. Where I laugh and joke and dance and sing. Where I feel a happiness in the good...the great, moments. Where I feel a kind of joy, one that is vastly different from the joys I used to feel but it is my new joy right now. It is a joy steeped in sadness but that is okay at this point in my journey. I do all that I do every day with my husband in the forefront of my mind. When I cook, when I drive, when I laugh a laugh that comes from my heart and the core of who I am...I am doing it all with my David in mind...I am doing it all for my David.
I am cherishing the moment that are good, and the moments that are great. I am respecting the moments that are hard and bad and painful and I am learning from them. I am learning how high I've climbed and how far I've come. I am learning that I am on the right track and I am going to win this race. I'll probably have tears streaming down my face...but I will win with David in my heart.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
The Ride
As I do every day, I check the posts on the Widows bereavement sites I am a member on...there are two of them.
Some days there is nothing said. All is calm? Maybe. Hopefully. But I know that it could also mean that today is just too much, today is so very overwhelming that there are no words...oh, they're in there. The words are in there, flying around our heads slamming against the edges of our minds wanting out...needing out. But the pain is too great today to let the words come.
Some days one of us, or several of us, has reached out for comfort or advice or just to share a milestone, a thought, a prayer. And some days there is a new 'recruit', a new member to the club none of us signed up for or ever wanted to be a part of...some days there is just that tentative, bleeding sentence that says something like 'I just lost...I just found this group...thank you for listening'. And just like that we remember we are not alone even though ALONE is the second strongest feeling we women, we widows, feel.
Today there was a post from a new member to the group, a woman who joined the 'club' only three months ago...She is wondering if any of us has ever gone through what she is going through the last few days...no crying...no living, just existing, sleeping yet waking exhausted. Working...chores...bed, working...chores...bed...is this a phase she wants to know. Those of us a little, or a lot further along in the journey know it is not a phase. It is just another kind of day, or several smooshed together to create a 'phase'. It is delicate territory. It is a welcome reprieve, it is a survival technique that our body knows is desperately needed at precisely this moment. It is a day or a few given to us in order to take a deep breath, get our bearings, readjust. It is just enough time to grab hold and climb up a little further on our journey, enough time to grab hold before the ride begins again.
It's not a phase, I tell her..."it's just the ride. Not a car ride either. It is what I would think a roller coaster would be like if I had ever been on one...great highs, fast and furious lows with lots of sharp yanks around every corner. On this ride I never know what each day will bring, a high, a low, a rough corner? I open my eyes and try to gauge but can't, I head to the kitchen for coffee almost in fear sometimes...is an arm going to reach out and pull me back down to where I have just worked so hard to climb up from? Am I going to be yanked around a corner I'm not ready for? All I can do is hold on and hold strong. There is a very good reason that at age 47 I have never put myself on a roller coaster, that kind of ride is not for me...yet here I am. Thrust on here by a horrific tragic event that lasted no more than 10 minutes. I have been sentenced to a lifetime of this ride I never wanted and all I can do is hold on, hold strong and learn how to get my feet back on solid ground once again while life spins around me at such a fast and furious pace. I do not believe it to be a phase you are in...I believe it to just be the ride you are on...you are not alone though, all of us here are sitting in the seats next to you, in front of you and behind you, and we say to you hold on tight sister..."
Some days there is nothing said. All is calm? Maybe. Hopefully. But I know that it could also mean that today is just too much, today is so very overwhelming that there are no words...oh, they're in there. The words are in there, flying around our heads slamming against the edges of our minds wanting out...needing out. But the pain is too great today to let the words come.
Some days one of us, or several of us, has reached out for comfort or advice or just to share a milestone, a thought, a prayer. And some days there is a new 'recruit', a new member to the club none of us signed up for or ever wanted to be a part of...some days there is just that tentative, bleeding sentence that says something like 'I just lost...I just found this group...thank you for listening'. And just like that we remember we are not alone even though ALONE is the second strongest feeling we women, we widows, feel.
Today there was a post from a new member to the group, a woman who joined the 'club' only three months ago...She is wondering if any of us has ever gone through what she is going through the last few days...no crying...no living, just existing, sleeping yet waking exhausted. Working...chores...bed, working...chores...bed...is this a phase she wants to know. Those of us a little, or a lot further along in the journey know it is not a phase. It is just another kind of day, or several smooshed together to create a 'phase'. It is delicate territory. It is a welcome reprieve, it is a survival technique that our body knows is desperately needed at precisely this moment. It is a day or a few given to us in order to take a deep breath, get our bearings, readjust. It is just enough time to grab hold and climb up a little further on our journey, enough time to grab hold before the ride begins again.
It's not a phase, I tell her..."it's just the ride. Not a car ride either. It is what I would think a roller coaster would be like if I had ever been on one...great highs, fast and furious lows with lots of sharp yanks around every corner. On this ride I never know what each day will bring, a high, a low, a rough corner? I open my eyes and try to gauge but can't, I head to the kitchen for coffee almost in fear sometimes...is an arm going to reach out and pull me back down to where I have just worked so hard to climb up from? Am I going to be yanked around a corner I'm not ready for? All I can do is hold on and hold strong. There is a very good reason that at age 47 I have never put myself on a roller coaster, that kind of ride is not for me...yet here I am. Thrust on here by a horrific tragic event that lasted no more than 10 minutes. I have been sentenced to a lifetime of this ride I never wanted and all I can do is hold on, hold strong and learn how to get my feet back on solid ground once again while life spins around me at such a fast and furious pace. I do not believe it to be a phase you are in...I believe it to just be the ride you are on...you are not alone though, all of us here are sitting in the seats next to you, in front of you and behind you, and we say to you hold on tight sister..."
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
One Half of One Year
I'm sitting here thinking about how much time has passed since that day with shock and amazement. I usually try not to think about that day too often because I instantly will visualize the events and then I'm destroyed and the tears flow freely as they are right now. I see and hear those moments always.
I feel like I have walked a lifetime away from then without actually leaving at all. A lifetime of slogging through wet sand ankle deep, it's so hard but I know I can't just stand there doing nothing so I walk on and on and on...I know I have gone a far distance but each time I look over my shoulder that day is right behind me. The pain and astonishment and confusion and fear is still within me, I carry it everywhere I go as a tattoo on my soul.
This grief thing with it's many levels and layers is such a strange phenomenon. It is kind of like looking into a fogged up mirror after a shower, initially you can't see anything at all but after a little time has passed some of the fog lifts and you think you can almost see an image, then after a little more time more fog lifts and now you are sure you can make out something but it's so unclear your eyes have a hard time focusing. With each moment of time a little more fog lifts and a little more something is revealed until eventually enough time and enough fog has left and you are staring at your reflection in that mirror...only you don't recognize yourself for the pain of it all. The face in the mirror, mine, has been beat by the horror of that unimaginable day...it has been beat in a bad most painful way but not defeated.
I HAVE NOT BEEN DEFEATED.
I am fighting.
I am crying.
I am moving.
I am hurting.
I am climbing.
I am alone.
I am doing.
I am broken.
I am trying.
I am still here....
...I am fighting and I am moving and I am climbing and I am winning. I will win.
It is slow, it is fragile, it is constant, it is exhausting...physically and mentally, it is life, it is necessary, it is a must. I owe it to David, I owe it to Evelyn, I owe it to my children and I owe it to myself. I was the one chosen to stay here, there must be a plan for me and it is my job to become healthy enough to recognize it when it shows up. I have to do this...I have to fight.
Six months later, six months after...I am feeling stronger, I am not whole, I still cry all the time, I am still broken in a million pieces, but I have a fire a determination to keep moving forward to be who my husband loved, to be who my friend loved. I am determined to find a new kind of me.
I will never be the girl I was on May 4th or all the years before, but I will also never again be the girl I was in the evening hours of May 5th. That girl, that poor helpless, screaming, soaking wet, shivering girl, she is me but not. I feel protective of her, my heart is broken for her and I have carried her with me all these miles, all these hours, all these months. And I will carry her still to a new life, a strong life, a second chance.
One half of one year later I am fighting hard, I am smiling through my tears, I am loving them still and I am missing them always.
Happy November!
PEACE
I feel like I have walked a lifetime away from then without actually leaving at all. A lifetime of slogging through wet sand ankle deep, it's so hard but I know I can't just stand there doing nothing so I walk on and on and on...I know I have gone a far distance but each time I look over my shoulder that day is right behind me. The pain and astonishment and confusion and fear is still within me, I carry it everywhere I go as a tattoo on my soul.
This grief thing with it's many levels and layers is such a strange phenomenon. It is kind of like looking into a fogged up mirror after a shower, initially you can't see anything at all but after a little time has passed some of the fog lifts and you think you can almost see an image, then after a little more time more fog lifts and now you are sure you can make out something but it's so unclear your eyes have a hard time focusing. With each moment of time a little more fog lifts and a little more something is revealed until eventually enough time and enough fog has left and you are staring at your reflection in that mirror...only you don't recognize yourself for the pain of it all. The face in the mirror, mine, has been beat by the horror of that unimaginable day...it has been beat in a bad most painful way but not defeated.
I HAVE NOT BEEN DEFEATED.
I am fighting.
I am crying.
I am moving.
I am hurting.
I am climbing.
I am alone.
I am doing.
I am broken.
I am trying.
I am still here....
...I am fighting and I am moving and I am climbing and I am winning. I will win.
It is slow, it is fragile, it is constant, it is exhausting...physically and mentally, it is life, it is necessary, it is a must. I owe it to David, I owe it to Evelyn, I owe it to my children and I owe it to myself. I was the one chosen to stay here, there must be a plan for me and it is my job to become healthy enough to recognize it when it shows up. I have to do this...I have to fight.
Six months later, six months after...I am feeling stronger, I am not whole, I still cry all the time, I am still broken in a million pieces, but I have a fire a determination to keep moving forward to be who my husband loved, to be who my friend loved. I am determined to find a new kind of me.
I will never be the girl I was on May 4th or all the years before, but I will also never again be the girl I was in the evening hours of May 5th. That girl, that poor helpless, screaming, soaking wet, shivering girl, she is me but not. I feel protective of her, my heart is broken for her and I have carried her with me all these miles, all these hours, all these months. And I will carry her still to a new life, a strong life, a second chance.
One half of one year later I am fighting hard, I am smiling through my tears, I am loving them still and I am missing them always.
Happy November!
PEACE
Monday, October 28, 2013
"The Story"
If I were a poet, if I were capable of beautiful words...of heart felt beautiful sayings, if I knew how to so very eloquently put my thoughts to paper my sweet David...this may have been what I would have come up with...only for you. Sometimes in life you read something or hear something that fits so precisely with what you feel and think but never knew how to say. I heard the second verse of this song and knew instantly I needed to hear the rest because that one single verse spoke of you for me...you always made me feel like a million bucks David, you did that so well, and I for sure was made for you my sweet man...only you.
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you
Oh yeah, well it's true... that
I was made for you...
-Brandi Carlile
Saturday, October 26, 2013
When I Would Wake...
From the moment we met, you would put your thoughts to paper every morning so I would know just how much you loved me first thing when I would wake. I loved it, I felt so deeply loved by you always, and I so deeply loved you. I always will.
Here is but a few...
Hi Lady of Mine.
I had a wonderful time last night. I think Gilly really likes her new 'pad'. hehe
Can't wait to see you tonight.
I love you
D...=)
Good Morning My Love.
I hope you feel better today. Tell G I said, "I hope she does well on the constitution exam" today.
I love you guys =)
Good Morning Babe.
I want to thank you for ALL you did yesterday...Don't think it all went unnoticed. I love you so much and I love everything you do for us...Me
YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! I LOVE YOU...Me
Good Morning My Girl...I hope you have a great day. I love you.
Hi My Little Sunshine...
I hope you slept well. I did.
Love you!!
Here is but a few...
Hi Lady of Mine.
I had a wonderful time last night. I think Gilly really likes her new 'pad'. hehe
Can't wait to see you tonight.
I love you
D...=)
Good Morning My Love.
I hope you feel better today. Tell G I said, "I hope she does well on the constitution exam" today.
I love you guys =)
Good Morning Babe.
I want to thank you for ALL you did yesterday...Don't think it all went unnoticed. I love you so much and I love everything you do for us...Me
YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! I LOVE YOU...Me
Good Morning My Girl...I hope you have a great day. I love you.
Hi My Little Sunshine...
I hope you slept well. I did.
Love you!!
Friday, October 25, 2013
October 21st
I have spent almost six months crawling and climbing then falling all the way back down...and doing it all again. I have cried so very hard and screamed so very loud along side of smiling big and laughing hard. I am trying...I am tired...but I am trying. I get up and do, I sit up and read, I put one foot in front of the other because I know that is all that everyone wants for me, that is what my David and Evelyn want for me. I am doing it every day...sew them all together and it has been close to six months.
That being said, I have not found me, the me that was lost along with my husband and my friend. I have not taken care of me, I have been too distracted and focused on trying to climb...I have not eaten well, once a day and nothing substantial, more like snacks. I have not gone outside where I love to be most and walked or biked...I'm too focused on the climb. I've failed to confront the toxic person that has been sucking the life from me for over a year, I've been weak and enabling.
Today a sister drew me to 'attention', she drew me to a place I haven't been in six months...Myfitnesspal...There I found the voice of my friend Evelyn and I read her words to me back in March when I proclaimed that I needed to get my A$$ in gear...she wrote..."Yessssssssssss you do! Get going girl!"
She also wrote this about why she was there..."Life changing things happen every day. I am beginning my life again and need to feel good inside so that I'm not always tempted to just "settle"...Summer is coming and I'd like to be ready this year!!!" Her motivations..."Looking out my window at the water; Need to feel good, time to do something about it!; Need to fit into my clothes again."
From the other side of the stars my friend has kicked my butt into gear...today I made the phone call I needed to make, it's not complete, but I made the call...and I went out and joined the YMCA then grocery shopped for the first time in almost six months, all healthy, all fruit, all veggies, all good.
Today I kicked butt and I owe it all to my sister Laurel.
That being said, I have not found me, the me that was lost along with my husband and my friend. I have not taken care of me, I have been too distracted and focused on trying to climb...I have not eaten well, once a day and nothing substantial, more like snacks. I have not gone outside where I love to be most and walked or biked...I'm too focused on the climb. I've failed to confront the toxic person that has been sucking the life from me for over a year, I've been weak and enabling.
Today a sister drew me to 'attention', she drew me to a place I haven't been in six months...Myfitnesspal...There I found the voice of my friend Evelyn and I read her words to me back in March when I proclaimed that I needed to get my A$$ in gear...she wrote..."Yessssssssssss you do! Get going girl!"
She also wrote this about why she was there..."Life changing things happen every day. I am beginning my life again and need to feel good inside so that I'm not always tempted to just "settle"...Summer is coming and I'd like to be ready this year!!!" Her motivations..."Looking out my window at the water; Need to feel good, time to do something about it!; Need to fit into my clothes again."
From the other side of the stars my friend has kicked my butt into gear...today I made the phone call I needed to make, it's not complete, but I made the call...and I went out and joined the YMCA then grocery shopped for the first time in almost six months, all healthy, all fruit, all veggies, all good.
Today I kicked butt and I owe it all to my sister Laurel.
Monday, October 21, 2013
If He Were Still Here
Everything I am reading, in order to help myself, talks of our bodies being so injured by our trauma that we have to be so very careful in everything we do, who we see, who we listen to, what we eat, how we work out.
Because we look the same on the outside...sans a light in our eyes...because we endured no obvious break of bones or of skin we tend to not know that inside our bodies are working at less than, one false move and we are rendered sick or hurt. Funny, really, to think of...more hurt than we already are? How is that possible?
Everything I have and am reading talks of turning away from those that do you no good, draw life from you rather than give it, cause pain and anguish rather than calm and strength. Turn away from the toxic people in your life, it is a must, it is essential to our health...to our journey...to our recovery. I am reading that now is the time to find a strength that is not clearly felt, and to stand up and cut the ties that are slowly pulling us under. We can and must do this in order to save ourselves, as there will be no one else to do it for us. That one person who would have been our strength and guide to do such a thing is forever gone...it is up to us alone to help ourselves.
Well, who doesn't already know this, really? Right? Right! The difference now, the glaring difference is that before, we were whole; before, we were well; before, we could cope; before, we could be indifferent. Now...we can do, and are, none of that. Our immune system has been jeopardized by shock and extreme stress, we are susceptible to illness and injury by the mere instance of losing our loved one. I have known and am reading that undue stress at this time in our lives can be very detrimental, can appear in real physical pain, real physical injury. I said I have known this, however, I don't believe I have ever actually sustained an injury due to stress. A headache maybe...a rise in blood pressure for sure, but an actual injury I have not had. Until now!
I have known and felt since the accident that changed my life forever that my coping skills which I had honed to near perfection were nowhere to be found. I have lost, or nearly so, my coping skills. Now with but a few words I can feel undue stress immediately take hold in a very physical way. I find that it torments me for many days and leaves me with physical injury. Just as though I had worked through a strenuous routine at the gym...I have flushed cheeks, elevated blood pressure, instant headache and strained muscles. I have had it for 4 days now and so far no amount of pain reliever is helping...well at least no reasonable amount has worked.
I find that a chord which runs from my left shoulder up the back of my neck to my head is so twisted and in such excruciating misalignment that I can hardly stand it. The screams of my body to remove the toxic person from my life is received loud and clear. But, is this not yet one more instance of stress, is this not an inward attack on me which I so evidently cannot cope with? Clearly if this act of turning from the toxic was something I was capable of doing then the whole matter would be mute and I would not be in such turmoil, yet again.
Now is the time for self help, however now is the time I am least capable. Now is the time I reach out for my one person that could ease my pain and calm my soul, that with a look or a touch would quell my anxieties...if he were still here.
If he were still here, ALL of this would be mute.
Because we look the same on the outside...sans a light in our eyes...because we endured no obvious break of bones or of skin we tend to not know that inside our bodies are working at less than, one false move and we are rendered sick or hurt. Funny, really, to think of...more hurt than we already are? How is that possible?
Everything I have and am reading talks of turning away from those that do you no good, draw life from you rather than give it, cause pain and anguish rather than calm and strength. Turn away from the toxic people in your life, it is a must, it is essential to our health...to our journey...to our recovery. I am reading that now is the time to find a strength that is not clearly felt, and to stand up and cut the ties that are slowly pulling us under. We can and must do this in order to save ourselves, as there will be no one else to do it for us. That one person who would have been our strength and guide to do such a thing is forever gone...it is up to us alone to help ourselves.
Well, who doesn't already know this, really? Right? Right! The difference now, the glaring difference is that before, we were whole; before, we were well; before, we could cope; before, we could be indifferent. Now...we can do, and are, none of that. Our immune system has been jeopardized by shock and extreme stress, we are susceptible to illness and injury by the mere instance of losing our loved one. I have known and am reading that undue stress at this time in our lives can be very detrimental, can appear in real physical pain, real physical injury. I said I have known this, however, I don't believe I have ever actually sustained an injury due to stress. A headache maybe...a rise in blood pressure for sure, but an actual injury I have not had. Until now!
I have known and felt since the accident that changed my life forever that my coping skills which I had honed to near perfection were nowhere to be found. I have lost, or nearly so, my coping skills. Now with but a few words I can feel undue stress immediately take hold in a very physical way. I find that it torments me for many days and leaves me with physical injury. Just as though I had worked through a strenuous routine at the gym...I have flushed cheeks, elevated blood pressure, instant headache and strained muscles. I have had it for 4 days now and so far no amount of pain reliever is helping...well at least no reasonable amount has worked.
I find that a chord which runs from my left shoulder up the back of my neck to my head is so twisted and in such excruciating misalignment that I can hardly stand it. The screams of my body to remove the toxic person from my life is received loud and clear. But, is this not yet one more instance of stress, is this not an inward attack on me which I so evidently cannot cope with? Clearly if this act of turning from the toxic was something I was capable of doing then the whole matter would be mute and I would not be in such turmoil, yet again.
Now is the time for self help, however now is the time I am least capable. Now is the time I reach out for my one person that could ease my pain and calm my soul, that with a look or a touch would quell my anxieties...if he were still here.
If he were still here, ALL of this would be mute.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Dear David
Dear David-
It is Saturday...Josh should have been here, but I just wasn't up to it this weekend and for that I am sorry. I was pulled back to the start line after climbing so far...and now I have to do it all over again. I'll do it, I will always do it...but it's hard and it hurts, and I'm so very tired.
Today though has been pretty okay, I slept well and awoke feeling 'free'. I made my coffee and tiptoed into the living room, I didn't want to wake Lily and Aizeling...they are such little imps and usually want to play the minute they hear me come in. Today though I wanted to read a little and drink my coffee. HA! Fat chance, I am suddenly distracted by two little tiny heads with two sets of eyes staring at me...one stands on top of the other like a totem pole hoping to be the first to be noticed. I refuse to see them though and I am determined to hold to this...I held my ground for 30 minutes, I am very proud of myself!
I have just taken a shower, still feeling 'free', I use the word free because it is the feeling I am when I am not weighted down by the visions and images that plague me still...those I can not shake...of you and of Evelyn...and even of me. I was in our room getting dressed and at the same time picking up and finally putting away some things I had strewn about. It was then I found your notebook, with some pictures you drew and notes you wrote and score sheets from when we would play cards. It also contained all the notes and incident documentation from what was going on at work and I started to cry. You were such a good man David. You worked so very hard and tried so hard at all that you did. You were so very special to me and I am forever thankful I got to call you mine. I shook off the tears and spoke those words out loud to be sure you would hear. Time to dry my hair...leaving the bathroom my eyes were drawn to your jacket and your lunch bag, hanging on the hooks where you left them the Friday before you died. I clung to the jacket and cried again...just for a minute.
David, I am so lonely without you. Every minute of every day I feel the weight of missing you, the weight of your loss. I am still so in shock that this all happened, almost six months later I still can not wrap my brain around it. I will not ever see you in the physical...ever again...ever. I am not okay with that, I have not accepted that, I do not see the reason for it, I can not find the joy. I think you were too good to have to go, and like that too. You did not deserve to feel fear, to be so scared and to suffer for even one second. For that, and only that I am angry. I am so thankful that at least Evelyn was spared the knowing of it all...at least there is that. What a mess we got ourselves into, what a damn mess...
My heart is yours David, it is where, for me, you live...I know you are there, my heart is heavy and I have a hard time breathing, and I am okay with that.
Ciao my love - until we meet again <3
It is Saturday...Josh should have been here, but I just wasn't up to it this weekend and for that I am sorry. I was pulled back to the start line after climbing so far...and now I have to do it all over again. I'll do it, I will always do it...but it's hard and it hurts, and I'm so very tired.
Today though has been pretty okay, I slept well and awoke feeling 'free'. I made my coffee and tiptoed into the living room, I didn't want to wake Lily and Aizeling...they are such little imps and usually want to play the minute they hear me come in. Today though I wanted to read a little and drink my coffee. HA! Fat chance, I am suddenly distracted by two little tiny heads with two sets of eyes staring at me...one stands on top of the other like a totem pole hoping to be the first to be noticed. I refuse to see them though and I am determined to hold to this...I held my ground for 30 minutes, I am very proud of myself!
I have just taken a shower, still feeling 'free', I use the word free because it is the feeling I am when I am not weighted down by the visions and images that plague me still...those I can not shake...of you and of Evelyn...and even of me. I was in our room getting dressed and at the same time picking up and finally putting away some things I had strewn about. It was then I found your notebook, with some pictures you drew and notes you wrote and score sheets from when we would play cards. It also contained all the notes and incident documentation from what was going on at work and I started to cry. You were such a good man David. You worked so very hard and tried so hard at all that you did. You were so very special to me and I am forever thankful I got to call you mine. I shook off the tears and spoke those words out loud to be sure you would hear. Time to dry my hair...leaving the bathroom my eyes were drawn to your jacket and your lunch bag, hanging on the hooks where you left them the Friday before you died. I clung to the jacket and cried again...just for a minute.
David, I am so lonely without you. Every minute of every day I feel the weight of missing you, the weight of your loss. I am still so in shock that this all happened, almost six months later I still can not wrap my brain around it. I will not ever see you in the physical...ever again...ever. I am not okay with that, I have not accepted that, I do not see the reason for it, I can not find the joy. I think you were too good to have to go, and like that too. You did not deserve to feel fear, to be so scared and to suffer for even one second. For that, and only that I am angry. I am so thankful that at least Evelyn was spared the knowing of it all...at least there is that. What a mess we got ourselves into, what a damn mess...
My heart is yours David, it is where, for me, you live...I know you are there, my heart is heavy and I have a hard time breathing, and I am okay with that.
Ciao my love - until we meet again <3
Friday, October 18, 2013
You were the one
I miss you when good things happen;
because you are the one I want to share it with most.
I miss you when I am feeling the most lost,
because you’re the one that understands me so well.
I miss you when I laugh or when I cry,
because I know you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.
I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night...
remembering all the wonderful times we spent with each other.
For those were some of the most memorable times of my life.
I miss you my David because I know you were the one.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
This kind of loneliness
I found this on a website for widows and thought it was the best explanation I have found so far for the emptiness I feel and loneliness ...
Loneliness is not a surprising by-product of widowhood. I mean, even for the people who have never been through it, it’s a no-brainer. But frankly, I think that lonely is not a strong enough word.
There is a deep silence that comes with losing your spouse. And it doesn't matter if you’re standing in the middle of a crowded room, you will still notice it. It’s the quiet that comes when you don’t have that familiar voice whispering in your ear at a wedding, “Can you believe she wore that? I mean, what was she thinking?” It’s the missing sound of two glasses clinking together on your anniversary. It’s the absence of someone breathing soundly next to you as you go to sleep at night.
Our friends are so good about trying to make sure that we know that we’re not alone. And we know we’re not friendless. We could call up any number of people if we just wanted to hang out. But we are alone. Our marriages were amputated in the prime of our lives and, for some of us, there is no prosthesis.
A lot of us, since our loss, have found comfort in chat rooms and support websites and that has helped relieve the discomfort of the amputation a little. It’s like taking two Motrin after extensive surgery. It eases the throbbing a bit, but when we look down, the limb is still missing.
We've found anonymous support from strangers who don’t know us but are as close as we can come to confiding in people who know exactly what we've been through. We tell these strangers some of the most intimate details of our lives, knowing that out of thousands of people, one person might understand us and, out of thousands of people, no one will be heartless to enough say, “You did what? You’re crazy!” Because, if nothing else, we all have crazy in common.
It’s an anonymous way to just let our widowed freakiness spread its wings and fly. We get support from people who understand what REAL retail therapy is. People who get that a sleepless night with a newborn is one thing while a sleepless night with a dead spouse is a whole other deal. People who understand how guilt, anger, frustration, and sadness all come in a beautifully wrapped package with our names on it, signed “With Love, Widowhood.”
Finding these groups has buffered the fact that, with our spouses gone, most of us have lost the person we would have leaned on when the worst thing we could have possibly imagine happening…happened. It’s almost like we need to roll over in bed and say in utter disbelief to our spouses, “Did you hear that you died? And you were so young!” This would be followed by a hug from them, a pat on the back, and the murmuring of some comforting words while we cried on their shoulders.
But when we roll over, well, our spouses already know that they died. It spoils it a little.
I don’t think that most people, who haven’t experienced loss, truly understand that element of solitude. And that’s the very foundation of what makes us so lonely. The person who cared when something really great or really bad happened is missing. The person who was just as excited and saddened by the milestones of our kids is someplace else (I hope). The person who was just as invested in our lives and the decisions we made is now (again, hopefully) enjoying everlasting comfort while we slug it out down here on our own.
Do you remember the moment that you truly felt the change? I mean, the time when you realized that this was it? When you catapulted from married to involuntarily single? For you, it may not have been a moment. But it was for me. I was leaving Wal-Mart (where so many of my breakdown moments occur) when I noticed that “Wild Hogs” was about to come out on DVD Now, my husband and I had had many failed attempts to go see that movie in the theater, so when I saw that big billboard up at the store, I automatically got excited. I thought to myself, “I can’t wait to get home and tell him it’s finally out!” I think there was an audible thud as reality came crashing down on me standing next to the stale cookies that were on sale.
As most of us feel, I would give anything for just one more day, one more conversation with my husband. I've had dreams about it. We’re just lying in bed and I’m telling him all about what the kids are up to. We both know that he’s gone, but I’m filling him in anyway.
Those are the mornings I wake up and feel the most alone, the most like I’m missing that appendage. And even though there are so many people I could call who would commiserate with me, they’re just not in my head and in my heart living my life.
And does it make sense when I say when I’m feeling this way sometimes I just want to be left alone?
---by Catherine Tidd
Loneliness is not a surprising by-product of widowhood. I mean, even for the people who have never been through it, it’s a no-brainer. But frankly, I think that lonely is not a strong enough word.
There is a deep silence that comes with losing your spouse. And it doesn't matter if you’re standing in the middle of a crowded room, you will still notice it. It’s the quiet that comes when you don’t have that familiar voice whispering in your ear at a wedding, “Can you believe she wore that? I mean, what was she thinking?” It’s the missing sound of two glasses clinking together on your anniversary. It’s the absence of someone breathing soundly next to you as you go to sleep at night.
Our friends are so good about trying to make sure that we know that we’re not alone. And we know we’re not friendless. We could call up any number of people if we just wanted to hang out. But we are alone. Our marriages were amputated in the prime of our lives and, for some of us, there is no prosthesis.
A lot of us, since our loss, have found comfort in chat rooms and support websites and that has helped relieve the discomfort of the amputation a little. It’s like taking two Motrin after extensive surgery. It eases the throbbing a bit, but when we look down, the limb is still missing.
We've found anonymous support from strangers who don’t know us but are as close as we can come to confiding in people who know exactly what we've been through. We tell these strangers some of the most intimate details of our lives, knowing that out of thousands of people, one person might understand us and, out of thousands of people, no one will be heartless to enough say, “You did what? You’re crazy!” Because, if nothing else, we all have crazy in common.
It’s an anonymous way to just let our widowed freakiness spread its wings and fly. We get support from people who understand what REAL retail therapy is. People who get that a sleepless night with a newborn is one thing while a sleepless night with a dead spouse is a whole other deal. People who understand how guilt, anger, frustration, and sadness all come in a beautifully wrapped package with our names on it, signed “With Love, Widowhood.”
Finding these groups has buffered the fact that, with our spouses gone, most of us have lost the person we would have leaned on when the worst thing we could have possibly imagine happening…happened. It’s almost like we need to roll over in bed and say in utter disbelief to our spouses, “Did you hear that you died? And you were so young!” This would be followed by a hug from them, a pat on the back, and the murmuring of some comforting words while we cried on their shoulders.
But when we roll over, well, our spouses already know that they died. It spoils it a little.
I don’t think that most people, who haven’t experienced loss, truly understand that element of solitude. And that’s the very foundation of what makes us so lonely. The person who cared when something really great or really bad happened is missing. The person who was just as excited and saddened by the milestones of our kids is someplace else (I hope). The person who was just as invested in our lives and the decisions we made is now (again, hopefully) enjoying everlasting comfort while we slug it out down here on our own.
Do you remember the moment that you truly felt the change? I mean, the time when you realized that this was it? When you catapulted from married to involuntarily single? For you, it may not have been a moment. But it was for me. I was leaving Wal-Mart (where so many of my breakdown moments occur) when I noticed that “Wild Hogs” was about to come out on DVD Now, my husband and I had had many failed attempts to go see that movie in the theater, so when I saw that big billboard up at the store, I automatically got excited. I thought to myself, “I can’t wait to get home and tell him it’s finally out!” I think there was an audible thud as reality came crashing down on me standing next to the stale cookies that were on sale.
As most of us feel, I would give anything for just one more day, one more conversation with my husband. I've had dreams about it. We’re just lying in bed and I’m telling him all about what the kids are up to. We both know that he’s gone, but I’m filling him in anyway.
Those are the mornings I wake up and feel the most alone, the most like I’m missing that appendage. And even though there are so many people I could call who would commiserate with me, they’re just not in my head and in my heart living my life.
And does it make sense when I say when I’m feeling this way sometimes I just want to be left alone?
---by Catherine Tidd
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Chasing Cars
I remember shortly after we realized what we had found with each other and I was still living in Arkansas, before you even asked me to marry you...I was listening to the song Chasing Cars. I've always listened to music very thoughtfully, really feeling the lyrics and trying to find the meaning of the words. Well I was listening to this song and felt that they fit us, at least in my interpretation of the words. We were struggling with how to come together, how to not hurt others with our decisions and just how much 'I love you' didn't come close to describing what we were feeling. I know...cheezy teenager mush, right. Ha Ha. That's what we were though...the teenagers we parted as just with 27 years added in.
Anyways, I copied the lyrics down and sent them to you as kind of a love letter from me to you and it just became our unspoken song after that. From time to time when I would be missing you I would post a line on Facebook that would mean nothing to anyone who saw it...but you would know. You would know that I was speaking of being profoundly lonely and deeply in love with you.
Well, I found our CD, it was unmarked so I didn't know what it was and soon found myself listening to Chasing Cars, UGH. It wasn't a pretty scene, I was a blubbering mess but what else is new. So here again, is my love letter to you my David...only now it is much more profoundly sad, as it speaks of my unending loneliness and unfulfilled longing for you.
Anyways, I copied the lyrics down and sent them to you as kind of a love letter from me to you and it just became our unspoken song after that. From time to time when I would be missing you I would post a line on Facebook that would mean nothing to anyone who saw it...but you would know. You would know that I was speaking of being profoundly lonely and deeply in love with you.
Well, I found our CD, it was unmarked so I didn't know what it was and soon found myself listening to Chasing Cars, UGH. It wasn't a pretty scene, I was a blubbering mess but what else is new. So here again, is my love letter to you my David...only now it is much more profoundly sad, as it speaks of my unending loneliness and unfulfilled longing for you.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
-Snow Patrol
Monday, October 14, 2013
I need to see my husband!
I've been hanging on by a very thin thread lately.
The line between functioning and falling has gotten so blurred.
I know it is just the slightest nod from that one ounce of reason in my head that will send me tumbling into the abyss.
My need to see you...see your beautiful face has gotten so overwhelming and all consuming, it is so forefront in my thoughts and it is ruining me.
I know you are physically gone from me forever, but I stuff that...that knowing, and when it creeps it's way back to the surface I am just absolutely ruined.
Five months has come and gone and I am no closer to accepting that this is my new forever, no closer to accepting that I will never hold your hand in the physical ever again.
Your eyes, your smile, your scars, your scent and your beautiful mouth...your hands and even your 'pretty' feet...I so long for all of you David, to be here with me.
I don't know how to get better at this, I don't know how to stop longing for you, I don't know how to stop feeling so damn broken inside.
I spoke out loud while driving through a flood of tears and gut wrenching sobs...
I need to see my husband!
And you came.
I was dreaming that same night about a lot of random things, but not you, it's never you. Suddenly to my left you just appeared.
You had a big smile, and your arms opened wide, we walked towards each other and as you neared you tilted your head slightly back and to the left.
I remember that I got a very clear picture of your face and your eyes and my face fit perfectly in the crook of your neck.
And then your were just gone, evaporated.
No words were spoken, I was not crying, it happened and then you were gone, and my dream picked up where it left off.
You were always so so good to me David, and even gone from here you are still taking care of me when I need it the very most.
Thank you for coming to my rescue my love...my grip was just about to let go.
I needed to see your face and I did.
I love you so much baby.
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