Hi babe-
I haven't come here to talk to you in a long long time. October 14 was the last post...
I talk to you, all the time actually. I talk to you in my head, I talk to you through my tears, I talk to you out loud...I figure you must be laughing your butt off at all my talking. Do you hear me when I tell my self to 'please stop talking to yourself'. I do it to the point of ridiculous. They say smart people do it, talk to themselves, I only know that crazy people do it, so what does that make me? I think it's a thin wire I walk on, don't you. haha
I feel like I'm a huge failure at grief, grieving. I don't think I'm doing it right. Oh, I know, 'there is no right or wrong way to grieve', but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm doing it wrong.
All the little idiosyncrasies that blossomed out of the ashes of this fucking nightmare never cease to amaze me, and boy do they mess with my head. What the hell is the deal with the phone and making calls that I need...what the hell is that? Huh? I needed to call and find out if my shop could do an oil change, scary I know, but it had to be done. For two days I thought about it to death until I drove myself crazy, day three I gave up, day four I finally called and they were closed due to the holiday. Nice, so instead of a $35. dollar oil change, I paid $72 plus all the crap they talked me into for a grand total of ONE HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS. Really?!? Dammit, I hate that crap. Oh, I know I needed the air filter and probably the fuel treatment since I have a long commute, but the cost of upkeep on this damn car you had to have is killing me. See how I did that, went from my fault to yours in one breath. It's a thin wire, I'm tellin ya.
I've gotten all your signs, thank you. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how much I needed to see just one. It had been so so long since you spoke to me that way, Evelyn too. She talks to me with her name mostly. She is very frequently the name of the main character in the books I read, the free, no ones ever heard of books. The lead is always named Evelyn. It's bizarre.
Am I going to be this way forever David. Am I going to be alone for my forever? Will I ever be normal again? You have no idea how hard it is being me, getting through a day. These holidays have done me in. The get-together's are excruciating. I don't want to do them but I do. For me they are about being a part of something I no longer have. They are about family and I am without mine. Oh, I know I have GiGi, but barely. For me, the holidays are a HUGE reminder that I am without my parents, without my children, without my husband. The working together to make holidays fun, the music and the cooking and the shopping and the wrapping and the decorating, all of it. It's gone for me. And it's hard. And I'm sad. And I'm lonely. Lonely as hell. And I miss you. God how I miss you David. Damn.
So, you've gotten so pretty awesome company lately, no?!? Down here, we've lost so many amazing actors and singers and protectors and everyone in between. It's gonna be a rockin New Years for you all up there. Enjoy...but keep your hands off Princess Leia man! haha
I love you, as always. Help me be better, show me the way to do it. Love Evelyn, keep her safe, take good care of her, she died for you. She died for you.
It just dawned on me this very second...that you two were meant to go together. You two wanted to jump out of a plane together, I said not so much. You weren't supposed to come with me that day then I said okay. And in the end you two 'jumped' into the ocean together and were gone. Huh...I wonder...
Anyway, so long.
