Anywhere I would have followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you. 

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. 

Anywhere I would have followed you. 

Say something, I'm giving up on you. 

A bluest sky

From where I sit on the couch, I've moved to your spot, a look to the left affords me a perfectly framed picture of the bluest sky.

A further look up and I see giant billowy white clouds in a hurry to get out of my view, where they are running to I do not know.

A slight look back down again and I am faced with a frame within a frame, it is called 'Friends' and staring back at me are the faces of my girls, my loves, my hearts...minus of course, one.

If I go lower than even that I see a green pine so tall,  but not to be outdone by a now leafless tree that stands four feet above the pine.  

Fifteen feet from the top of that tallest tree there is a giant red/brown ball of leaves that harbors a family of the busiest squirrels.  I believe there are four.

I know this so well because when I am stuck this is where I am and that is what I see.  Some days it's still, some days it moves.  Today it is moving, swiftly to the right.  The picture is always the same yet each day it is different each moment it changes.  

And while I am writing this a Blue Heron flew through,  right to left.

I bring my eyes back in and the room seems so dark, the house so quiet and empty and I remember again that I am alone so I quickly turn back to a bluest sky.

I miss you David, I miss you from way way deep down, my soul misses your soul in a big big way. I just wanted you to know what it is that I see.

XOXO

It is in the simple gestures that courage comes

One thing I have learned over the past many months is that emotions swing minute by minute...moment to moment.

A relatively normal day can change on a dime, without warning and so swiftly it makes your head spin.

A smell.

A sound.

A sight.

A memory.

A song.

A word or two.

And of course the dreaded visions, which comes with all of the things listed above.  The damn visions hit me fast and furious at any given moment throughout my day.  They make me feel like I am going crazy...ok fine, crazier than I already was.  hehe  And really any other thing can send me right into the open arms of a vision.  My constant reminder of the horror of those moments, of my helplessness, of how I failed, of my mortality, of all that is lost.  But too, of the power of love and faith.  That in the precise moment I would fall,  a power greater than everything could fill me with strength and allow me to hear your final thoughts on this earth.  That is something I pray I will never forget.   Never.

And so it is, on a day I struggle to be strong, to be positive and step forward one foot in front of the other, a simple gesture falls in my hands.  

The mailman brings me a gift from an old friend.  A few words of love and encouragement, of friendship and humanity.

And it is in the simple gestures that courage comes.

I am blessed 

You are made of the sea and the stars

Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.

And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, 

and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two 

percent, but

nothing is infinite,

not even loss.

You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day

you are going to find yourself again.

- F. Butler 

A friend sent me this today...I find it haunting and beautiful all at once.  

I believe that there are times when you will read a verse or hear a song that touches on the precise feeling that you have and it is like the universe is saying to you '...I know.'  

I did not come across this quote on my own, a friend of the same name did and she thought of me.  I've been feeling, with my head so full and fast and furious that you cannot get through to me...but maybe, just maybe,  you found a way.

I choose to believe...in you.

Thinking, or not...

We are 15 days into the new year and 10 days into month 8.

I sit her shaking my head in order to scatter the visions forming...it happens so often still, it feels like second nature now.  The head shaking that is.

I've been trying to think of what I have learned from all this, but my mind is too noisy to think.  I am not in that place yet, that place of calm reflection, because I can't think of a thing.  I still play what if from time to time and I long for the day when I don't.

I still ask 'what happened?' pretty regularly.  As if actually seeing the moment you fell...the moment Evelyn hit her head would provide me with the peace I am craving.  I know, where my smart resides, that seeing those precise moments would not make a difference.  I would still be asking 'what happened'?  I want reasons, yet I know too that no reason could make up for the fact that you two are gone.  What does matter in my world is that you are gone from my every day.  It is an unbearable thought.  It tears at my soul over and over and over again.

I do know this...I am not me.  I have changed so drastically, I fear you can not recognize me...why you don't come to me with signs anymore.  Why Evelyn has never come to me.  You can not find me.

A lot of death has come to my life in eight short months David.  A lot of hurt lives inside me.

The death of you, the death of me, and the subsequent loss of our life together.  Our dreams, our future, our story that we were still writing.  The death of Evelyn, my dear sweet sister friend, and the friendship we had been building over the past three years.  My Jewels, the sweet little four legged friend who was by my side for twelve long years. There is not a memory in all that time that she is not a part of.  She was with me through all that came at me in those years, she was a good good dog.  Millie is gone too, 17 years of companionship, memories, hikes, rides, puppies...life.  She was a dear dear dog and her loss is hard for many.  And finally my little Fluffy.  HA...who would have thought I could love a rat!  I remember when we got her.  I drove home as if there were a tarantula loose in the car and when I pulled in the driveway you were washing your car...I jumped out and warned you to brace yourself.  But within the hour she had found a place in my heart. I know you thought I was a little loopy!  I know you did!  She would sit on the porch with us enjoying the spring sun and sips of wine.  And on the couch with us at night snuggling under the blanket when it was chilly...she was a dear sweet little critter and I miss her a ton.  Yes, a lot of death has come to my world.

There is still so much work to be done.