It means slowly. It has been my word of late. It is how I'm trying to see my world right now...slowly. I'm coming back to life in a big and fantastical way and I don't want to miss a thing.
I became aware of the sounds of traffic first, I knew it was morning. This morning. The 5th representing the 4th. I opened my eyes and waited for the fist to hit my gut and the hand on top of my head to push me under...it didn't come. Not this time.
I woke today with love in my heart and laughter on my lips, wrapped in such contentedness. Really. How amazing is that? Do you know? Do you get what a monumental thing that is for me?
These years since you left, since Evelyn left. They have been brutal, and honestly it still is. It still is...but I seem to have left the space I was locked in. The one where the air is so thin it hardly can find it's way to your lungs. Where looking out through my eyes was like looking up through the water when you sit on the bottom of a pool. You know what I mean? I wasn't seeing things in real time, life was moving around me way to fast and I was stuck in this damn space and it was killing me. Slowly. For real.
I think I've turned a corner. It was a process, I felt it happening and it scared me, but I allowed whatever was happening to happen. Getting back to work was the button that started the ignition. I slowly started feeling a shift and I was anxious to see what would come. Something major is happening I think. I feel like the world has slowed enough that it sees me now. I'm not in that invisible bubble I was inside of for so long. Life sees me. People see me and it's a good thing.
I am happy. I am so happy.
It's an odd space at the moment, Inside me is the shadow of the girl I left around the corner, it's standing just off to the side and behind. I'm looking forward but I see this shadow back there just waiting. Maybe it doesn't know it's ok to leave, maybe it isn't ok to leave. I don't know. I have been so many people that I just don't know where they go when they are done with me. I'm not sure if I feel sad to see this one go. The girl I have been since this day 4 years ago...God she was rough. She was a mess. It's painful to think just how fucked up she was. Too though, she carried me through. We did this together, her and I. I let her be whatever she needed to be at any given moment and I think that was good. We allowed anything and everything to wash over us, we'd shake it off and get the fuck back up. I did that. I freaking did that. I did that every damn day. Do you have any idea what that was like, what that felt like. Life is heavy, so very heavy and without gravity it is times infinity. But I've turned a corner, and it is good.
Life isn't the same. It will never be the same. I miss your face, I miss your voice, I miss your smell. I miss you David. I will always miss you and I will always cry for you but you are gone and I can only go forward. I think you orchestrated a meet, and it happened and it is good and I thank you and I love you. Yeah it is good.
Evelyn my friend, are you there? Can you hear me now? (haha) I miss you and I worry for you. I pray you are at peace. There is still so much work to be done. I need to get right with what happened and I feel that time is nearing. Maybe some day soon. We'll see. You are with me always Eve, not one single day goes by that you don't flit through my mind. I hope that you are okay. I hope that the most. Some day you will tell me all about it.
Today I was coming to where I last saw you two. I have felt drawn to come and look for you. But the rain, I can't come in the rain, I can't stand there in the rain and cold and look for you. I won't find you, and then I'll just be wet. Wet and cold...that ain't cool man! I can't come today, maybe tomorrow.
I love you my David. God how I do. I hope you see all that is happening with me. I hope you are proud of the girl you see and I hope you never lose sight of me. I love you Evelyn, yes I do.
I'm making my way guys...despacito.
