You are my person

Hello? 

Are you there? 

I need to talk to you.  You are my person, remember, you told me so.  You said "Until the day you are no longer breathing, I will be your person...I promise."  We were watching my favorite show, Gray's Anatomy, and Meredith told Christina "You are my person" when she put her as emergency contact on a form. 

I turned my head to the right and looked at you, immediately feeling so safe and secure.  There are all these secret fears you have when you are single.  Who will see if I have a melanoma in the places I can't see; what if I choke while eating dinner...who will save me; who will be with me when I am old; how do I know this outfit looks awful on me before I leave the house; what if I have something in my teeth, or worse, in my nose; who will be my emergency contact once my current one, my parents, are gone from here.  Believe me, those are just a few. But with those words, 'I am your person, forever' I felt warm and safe.  Finally!

So, yeah, I'm in need of my person...I hope you are listening.

Mom called and left a cryptic message on the answering machine the other day.

"Hi honey, it's mum. I need you to look up something medical about Dad.  Call me back 

as soon as you get this."

Umm, sure. Okay, do I panic, not panic, what is appropriate here? Mom NEVER calls me, so there is that to consider.

I call immediately, which is actually several hours after she called me.  No answer.  OH. DEAR. GOD.  Now what?  I can't call her cell, she has no idea how to answer it.  When I was just out there her purse started playing a lovely song, so I looked over at her.  She was smiling and looking out the window as I drove us to town.  Still with the music.  

"Um, Mom, are you going to get that?" 

"Get what?" 

"Your phone." 

"What phone?"  

"The one singing a song from your purse." 

"I don't hear anything." 

"That's because it stopped." 

"Oh."  Back she goes to looking out the window...oblivious. 

"Mom?"

"What?"

"You think you should see who just called?"

"When?"

"MOM!  Did you have a stroke or something?  Your cell phone was just ringing...music playing all over the place.  Loud music. Want to check and see who it was, maybe, huh???"

"I was wondering what that pretty music was." as she fishes in a purse that is half the size of her...this takes at least 2 minutes.  Finally finding it she taps it and waits...nothing. Taps it again and waits... nothing.  Now she swipes a finger across the screen like she is conducting a symphony...nothing.   "I don't know how to answer it." as she throws it back inside her bottomless bag.

"Good thing you HAD to have an iPhone." UGH

And Dad doesn't  have a phone.  Well he does, but he doesn't know how to turn it on, and if he could he would never know what to do next.  So yeah, no help there!

Anyway, by 11pm with still no answer I go into a full on panic and put myself to bed.  The only time I'm ever safe from this life is when I'm asleep.

The next morning Mom returns my call(s).  "Dad was in the emergency room."

"WHAT?  WHY?" 

"Oh, he's okay, he's fine.  He was sitting talking on the phone and got this really bad pain in his right hip that went to his groin and eventually down his right leg. The pain got worse and worse as the day went on and he ended up getting severe nausea but never did vomit. He could hardly walk though." "Finally I said to him, let me know now if you think you may need to go to the hospital because I'm going to need time to do my hair and makeup first.  And that's when he said yeah, I think I need to go to the emergency room."  "For Dad to say that, you know it's bad." "But the on call Dr. said he thought it was just his sciatic nerve and gave him a shot and a prescription and sent us home.  The pain is really bad though and he can't lift his right leg, he drags it behind him when he walks...which he can hardly do, I have to help him to the bathroom." "So when can you get here (laughs)?"

See babe?  This is why I need you, you're my person and I need your help.  What the hell do I do now?  I've been dreading the time when my folks aren't able to do for themselves very well and this isn't necessarily that time yet but it has me thinking about that time, you know, when it gets here. You are supposed to be here for this...for me...I can't deal with this crap alone...especially now.  Before you, maybe, after you...most definitely not!  You took ALL my coping skills with you.  I've always been able to pick myself up and dust myself off and carry on after all that I have been through in life...now, I just don't have it in me. This thing with us...it broke me.  Before I would always jump to action and save the day, now I just want to run and hide.  Let someone else handle things.  Problem is, there is no one else.  I am that someone.

Do I move back there?  Did I really go through all that pain and anguish of leaving my family, my son, to come here and start a new life less than 3 years in the making, have that ripped away, my soul ripped out, just to turn around and go back?  I don't think I can. If I go back I fear I will be lost forever.  Other that my people there is NOTHING there, no friends, no prospect of a life...nothing.  How could it be I am supposed to return?  How?  What would I do with Gillian?  Oh God, but they need someone near and there is no one.  There is no one to help them daily or in an emergency.  No one.  I am that someone.

God I wish you were here to help me babe. I need someone to help me so damn bad.

Where the hell are you?????

 

 

*WARNING...Bitchy rant ahead! Read at your own discretion.

In a conversation recently, there was a lull.  I just turned my head and looked out the window lost in thought. Well that's not true exactly, I wasn't lost, I know right where I was. Today the vision was stronger than the current moment and it pulled me in. Not long, just until a string of words pulled me back to now, these words..."I know how you feel, I went through a divorce."

Please NO. Not you too.

I suppose you saw my lack of attention as a shared experience kind of moment.  Damn, I hate when that happens! Why?  Because you have got it so wrong and I don't want to feel 'less' about one more person. I try not to, always I do, but somehow I just can't help but think those 10 little words just brought your smarts down a peg.  Far too many times in that awkward need to say something...anything, people say the STUPIDEST, most insensitive things of all. I know it comes only from a place of good, never meant to hurt or offend, but it so would have been better to say nothing at all. Just be silent in the moment and wait for me, I will be right back, I'm never gone for long.

Please don't think that I believe your experience of divorce wasn't painful.  Oh it was painful...gut wrenching, drop to your knees, silent stare, soul sucking painful. That for you it may have been the single most painful experience of your life, I mean, statistically speaking it is way up there in the 'Most stressful life situations' category. It's excruciating.

I know. I do, really...I've been there too. 

I went through a divorce, a 4 year fight against a madman who knew the lay of the land, where I did not. I was warned, by him, "If you don't smarten up and get your ass home I will ruin you, discredit your name and turn everyone against you, take every last penny you have, leave you friendless, and take our baby boy from you." I wasn't afraid of him, I stood my ground and fought the battle of my life...and lost. He wasn't lying, he did everything he promised to do...and more.  But first!  First I had to go through a horrific marriage that I finally fled after 15 weeks of co-living.  Don't let the short time of 15 weeks fool you, when living it each day is an eternity.  I never had the pleasure of many wonderful years together living, loving, laughing, dreaming etc.  My marriage was one giant mind suck manipulation after another.  He was an ex Army Ranger who used psychological warfare on me to the best of his ability.  I was violently sick all the time, being poisoned does that to you I suppose.  Every night I went to sleep with a shotgun pointed at my head.  It wasn't until too late that I learned he was discharged under suspicion of severe mental 'inconsistencies' listed as psychotic and sociopathic behavior.  He never even made it past training.  And it was even later when I learned he was a pedophile. Wow...really!  Thanks for the heads up everyone!

So yeah, I've been divorced and lost custody of my baby by the time it was over.  But this, this other experience, well...there just aren't words to compare.

So no.  No, you do not know how I feel.  I can relate to how you feel, but you cannot relate to how I feel.  And you won't, ever, until the day you watch with your own eyes,  your husband and your girlfriend die.

At. The. Exact. Same. Moment.

Rant over.

This is Good

Found this on Soaring Spirits International, written by contributor Stephanie Vendrell:

I'm reposting for those in need, and there are many...Peace to you!


"The more I learn and understand about the grieving process, the more I also clearly see how deeply our culture is uninformed about it and how horribly damaging it can be to some of us already damaged by the loss itself. So be forewarned: this post is a bit of a rant.

I can’t remember ever in my life being taught anything about death other than the undercurrent of panic and fear of dying. We are not taught how to grieve, what feelings can be expected, or how to treat those who are grieving. It’s too bad, and kind of weird, because death happens all the time, everywhere, to everyone. The sad fact is, we have to figure it out ourselves by going through it. We have to search for counseling or support because for some reason our western culture likes to brush it all under the rug. To give a firm, fake smile and a quick pat on the shoulder as if to say, there, there now, everything is fine, get over it already, no one likes a sad mopey. We’d all like to go back to pretending death doesn’t happen, thank you.

So when we find ourselves suddenly members of this most terrible club we don’t quite know where to turn. After the initial brief days or, if you’re lucky, couple of weeks, during which family and friends come together to mourn with you, well, that’s it. Yes thankfully there are exceptions to this, but it has been my experience that for too many people it’s closer to, We’re all going back to our lives so you should too. And when you don’t, you either never hear from them again, or get: what’s wrong with you? You must be not right in the head. You must need medication. You must not understand that we have determined that the time for grieving is over and it’s time to put our blinders on again and paste on the smiles.

And then these uninformed morons either completely ignore you (because who wants a sad widow at a party?) or somewhat ignore you (sure come to the party but don’t you dare mention your dead husband) or even, shockingly, spout some kind of stern lecture about how you are not doing it right. I can’t even believe some people have the gall to do this sort of thing, but they do. Sometimes they try to compare losing your life partner to some other experience of their own. Yes a divorce can be awful. Yes that injury was painful. I get it. We all have our things. But you can’t use that shit to try and tell us we should be over it or don’t have a right to grieve in our own time - and you can’t tell me it’s really comparable. If someone you shared your life and home with hasn’t died you have no idea what you are talking about.

Just because we are participating in the world, just because we are going to work each day, just because we might even have a new relationship or enjoy ourselves at social gatherings does NOT mean we are “over it.” That our grief and sadness is still present should not surprise you. And we have a right to talk about our missing halves. We have a right to say, when asked how we’re doing, that we are feeling sad or missing them, and shouldn’t have to feel guilty about being honest. We have the right to cry and should not have to hide it. We don’t have the obligation to play all nicey-nice to the fake cheery world out there. We shouldn’t have to lie about our grief just to avoid making you feel uncomfortable or awkward. And if you are the kind of person who gets upset when we are sad, or avoids us just in case we might be, then you are no friend at all.

We widows and widowers know by now that we each have our own different timetables and ways to process the loss, which is an ongoing journey no matter how long it’s been. But others out there don’t know how it works. So I’m going to explain it clearly. We ALL are STILL GRIEVING AND ALWAYS WILL. It doesn’t mean we will be crying 24/7. But it means we will have bad moments. It means there are triggers and memories that hurt our hearts. It means sometimes we will be overwhelmed with loneliness even if we are not alone in the room. It means the pain of our loss has left a scar that will ride with us forever.

One day (and this is not a curse, but just a simple fact), unless you die first, it WILL happen to you…unfortunately it seems like this is the bottom line. Unless you are a very good grief therapist you probably will not really get it until then. Because there are no classes on bereavement in high school. Marriage does not require a seminar on what to do if your spouse dies. There are no flyers passed out when we are born that explain what happens when we die or how we will feel when our loved ones go before us. There are no lists of “what not to say” passed out at funerals either. (Maybe there should be.)

That said - there is good information on grief out there for those who make a point of looking for it. So I’m not going to go into all that again here. But I will give one simple piece of advice I learned from my own experience and felt should be put into words somewhere. Maybe some other widowed people out there might be able to use it one day to help the morons along a little.

If someone close to you is sad; if someone you care for is breaking down and clearly having a terrible time of it, just be there. Spare a little of your precious time, please. Hug us. Sit with us. Listen to us. Don’t lecture or try to change the subject to something cheery and unrelated. Don’t say lame open-ended things like let me know if you need anything or you know he is always with you. So many of us are dealing with this alone; just so alone - you may not understand our grief, but you can’t fix it. What we really need is a compassionate friend. We need support in our grief, not guilt for feeling it. So you can agree that it totally sucks. It sucks really, really bad. It’s awful and devastating and I’m so sorry and then hug us again and tell us you love us. And then do it again, and again, and again, until the sobs recede a little. Talk about our lost loved one. Ask questions about them, ask for stories, what we remember. If you knew them, tell some memories of your own. Tell us you understand how life will never be the same without them.

Just be there. It may not be easy (or fun), but it is simple, even though so few people ever take the time. So f***ing busy with their own lives and obsessed with their self-importance and misinformed sense of authority and denial and fake smiles and so strangely uncomfortable with someone else’s feelings.

It’s so sad. So sad that we damaged souls often suffer needless further damage in this often unfeeling and superficial culture. I feel so deeply sorry about it all."

Hello My Love

It has become cold, having just left summer and entered fall.  Leaves haven't started turning just yet, at least not many have.  Today it is pouring.  Well, actually the past 4 days it has poured water onto the ground. We needed it though.

It all started with the coolest sky I have ever seen...the full super moon solar eclipse.  Did you see it?  I wondered. Do you still see what I see? I remember when I used to travel and you would be here, we talked of how even though we were far apart all we had to do was look up and know that we each were seeing the exact same picture.  Somehow it made the distance seem not so big.  Silly, I guess, but comforting.

I watched for this red moon for hours thinking of the last super moon and how we kept running to the windows to see it and take pictures.  And I recalled the nights we sat on the back porch of our first apartment, all snuggled up under blankets, candles all around. We would stare into the sky talking of how vastly different it was from an Ozark sky.  You would point out the satellite skimming across every so many minutes and I wondered why I NEVER knew of it before you. You taught me that.  And of course, all of this made me miss you terribly once again.  Looking up has a way of making you feel tiny and insignificant.

I've been sick this week, seems I picked up something at Kate's on Sunday. Sitting with her I noticed I was getting more and more stuffed up, I was hoping it was just from a burning candle, but it stayed with me and by Monday night I was down for the count.  Didn't sleep a wink with a screaming raw throat, finally fell asleep around 5am and proceeded to stay asleep for 22 hours. Scared the crap out of me when I woke up two days later.  It made a world of difference though, I'm not tip top but I'm upright and awake!  

Last night I laid here on the couch thinking how crummy I felt and how hungry I was and how I SO did not want to get up and find and cook something but I'm alone, this is my life and this is how it is.  I have no one to look out for me or after me and no one to help me when I need it. There is no one to make me feel safe in this world anymore, you took that away when you left...you took many things with you when you left.  So many things.

I didn't want to get married, do you remember?  I mentioned it during one of our MANY phone conversations before we were ever face to face. I had been through such physical, mental and emotional hell during my 10 years in the Ozarks and I had erected such a fortress around my heart and soul. I had fought so hard for some kind of normal and happy with my two little babies and it worked. I learned to push all feelings and emotions down deep so that all that would show was happy and strong and thriving. My kids needed that from me. I made a good life for us far removed from society, we were happy, we were great in fact, at least as far as the children were concerned. In me though there was a whole world of missing going on. A whole big wide world. 

And then came you.

With one phone conversation you turned my little well built life upside down. In one hour you had managed to crack a brick in the walls I had built. That world of missing, I could hear it in your voice and it brought me to my knees because it reminded me of wanting. Nine months after that first phone call, knowing I didn't want to get married, you asked me anyway. You said 'I lost you once, I can't let that happen ever again'. How could I say no...three months later we were husband and wife. I finally knew what it was to feel safe, to feel cherished, to feel like I had one person in this whole entire world that would be by my side through great moments in life and the tragedies that come too. I felt so so safe knowing that you would be with me in those hard times and I wouldn't have to face them alone. I never dreamed the first tragedy to come for me would be your death and Evelyn's death.  My girlfriend died and you were not there for me to turn to, to help get me through. You couldn't hold me while I cried from the pain.  My husband died and she was not there to offer her always comforting words. To come running without being asked.  All of this happened seven weeks shy of our third year of marriage.  You made me take my walls down, my safety barrier, and then you left me alone.  I no longer feel safe or secure.  I don't even have the kids to distract me...they are grown.  I am on my own now learning to deal with the good the bad and the ugly all by myself. I haven't fully dealt with your death, I have mostly pushed it down deep inside.  And Evelyn, Heh, I almost can't even bear to begin that journey.  Dear God, how could I. If I can't sit in the reality of you drowning before my eyes how the hell am I supposed to sit in it with her.  As for my own near miss, ugh, that is a whole other issue.  And being the only survivor...forget about it.  I know I have only been grieving the loss of you, your absence from me and our life.  I haven't even begun to put into perspective the events of that day.  I'm not sure I will ever be strong enough for that.

Do you think I miss you love? Pouring these stupid thoughts out here like I can put a stamp on it and mail it to you. I suppose just thinking the thoughts gets them to you.  Who really knows.  I love you David, still, always.  You must know that in a head full of 10 words 7 of them are about you, right? Okay then...signing off.

Peace to you

P/S -  Please put your arms around Evelyn and hold her and hug her hard for me.  Tell her I love her so much and I miss her laugh and her face. Tell her I am so sorry we came to see her that day...we never should have gone.