Alone Again

I'm finding it hard...

You know...back when we 'met again' and I realized that this was it, you were it, I thought my days of living my life alone were over.    Then when we married I knew for sure I would be a part of a union for the rest of my days. 

I would have someone to love and take care of and cherish forever.  

I would have someone to love me and cherish me in return.  

I would no longer have to live through 'firsts' alone because I had you to rejoice and celebrate with.  

I didn't have to make decisions alone...small, large or otherwise, because I now had another set of ideas and opinions to help share in this task.

I would no longer have to eat alone and sleep alone and walk alone...because I had you.

I no longer had just two hands...You held my hand and together we had three...yours, mine and ours.  You ALWAYS held my hand.  Remember driving David, EVERY time you would hold my hand and EVERY time you said you would do so for the rest of my life...and EVERY time I would cry or tear up because I was so overcome with the love that you had for me and I you. How lucky was I?  How lucky were we?  To have felt such love.

Well, I was wrong...never say never.  

For far too short a time I was blessed enough to have all that.  For far too short a time I had it all until it slipped away.

I am alone again...

I live, sleep and eat alone.  Our children are gone more than not, family is gone more than not and friends alike. That is okay...it is as it should be.  But for me...for me I am alone.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

The Gift of Life

Hi my love-

In the mail today was a large thick white envelope with huge words printed in blue across the top...and immediately I froze.  I looked around like it was a conspiracy and some spy had slipped it in my mailbox to scare me.  It read...

NEW ENGLAND ORGAN BANK

A Donate Life Organization

UGH!  Isn't this too early?  They told me around October, I'm not prepared for this, I thought I had more time.  I was supposed to have another month or so.  Really though, why should they wait, they have lives to save...waiting is not on their agenda.  

The last time I heard from these people, from Jennifer, was May 6th at 6:30 am, I was in bed, numb, and alone.  I had not slept...you had only been 'gone' for 10 hours.  

Jennifer was requesting an interview, a 20 minute interview to discuss page by page, line by line, piece by piece, the things they needed me to verbally agree to let them take from you. 

What? Are you kidding me right now...do you know what has just happened?  

Do you people know that I almost died yesterday?  That the love of my life did die yesterday? That one of my best girlfriends did die yesterday?  Do you know what time it is?  How did you get my cell phone number?  Why the hell am I still breathing?  How can you expect me to talk about all of this right now...I just want to die and be with my husband.

I said none of that though...I never would in a million years.  She is doing her job,  trying to see that your death was not in vain, she wants to give you the opportunity to change lives, she wants to offer you the title of 'Hero'.  So I spoke out loud, to each and every line that was read to me...'yes, I agree'. There was many moments of silence where I willed myself to say the words, to ignore the images and think of the big picture, I cried without thought to the stranger on the end of the line.  She was kind, compassionate, caring and understanding.  And when I had given my last consent and she was ready to hang up, I told her that she is a very courageous woman with a noble heart to be able to make these calls.  To invade the life of someone so grief stricken, with such assuredness and determination is truly a credit to the passion and dedication she has for the human life.  I thanked her for being the one to call me and for helping me get through this.  She thanked me, gave me her number and hung up.  I was all alone again.

Then today, at the mailbox, with panic trying to show itself...she's back, though not really.  My feet will not move.  I'm standing in the front yard, opening the envelope and reading...

On behalf of the New England Organ Bank...etc etc etc...I am writing regarding Davids generous donation and your admirable and inspirational ability to think of others...etc etc etc

David was able to donate his bone tissue.  For...

Your husband was able to donate his skin tissue.  For...

We were able to recover your husband's corneas...and it is at this point I fall to the ground sobbing in excruciating pain.  The windows to your soul now belong to someone else. Does he or she see glimpses into your life?  I have looked so deep and so long into those eyes.  Those eyes always told me everything I ever needed to know.  Oh how I miss those eyes.

David was also able to donate his heart valves.   For...

David was able to donate his veins.  For...

Included in the envelope is a Certificate of Appreciation presented in your honor.  

Exhausted and numb, I finally stand up...because I have little tiny ants crawling all over my legs. YUCK!  Kick a girl when she's down, jeesh.  Damn ants.  lol

You did a GREAT thing lover...you did a great thing...and I'm so proud of you.

Hello my love

Words are failing me.

For so long I have felt compelled to post to you on facebook.  For so long I have done just that...almost as if it was normal.  Almost as if I were in Arkansas and you were in Rhode Island, like I so often was during our life together.  

Now I'm finding that the words aren't right.  The intention is there, but the words don't mean what I feel.  The words don't come close to describing how I feel.

'I miss you'.  HA.  How ridiculous does that sound?  I miss being able to eat M & M's, I miss watching Friends, I miss my childhood...but miss you?  God, what I'm feeling, the feeling inside me goes so far beyond that and I don't know a word to describe it.

I have become so in tuned to the inside of me, for example...

I can feel my heart.  I can feel exactly where it sits, It feels like a GIGANTIC blob of chewed up bubble gum.  Not fully hardened, but not soft and squishy either...It is sore all the time, it aches like a muscle that has been tormented at the gym.

I can feel my lungs.  They don't seem to work correctly any longer and I find that my breathing is far too shallow.    I have to pay close attention or suddenly I find that I am gasping for air.

My eyes and ears and nose.  I have come to know that they are directly linked to my heart and at any given moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing, a sight, a sound, a smell can send me spiraling downward.  I cannot escape from any of it...it is everywhere...my grief is every which way I turn.

So words like...'I miss you' or 'I love you' are just too foolishly small to describe what I truly am trying to convey. 

I am longing for you...

I am craving you...

I am dieing little by little without you...

I am suffocating for wanting you...

I am breaking into a million little pieces for loving you...

So yeah...I miss you and I love you in a way that can't be communicated well by me

You are adored, you are wished upon, you are longed for and you are cherished.

That's all...

xoxo - Me

To Whom It May Concern

I just wanted to say...I know you are hurting too, I know you lost one or two of your friends on that day, and for that I am sorry.  I am sorry for your sadness and the pain you feel, the pain you don't show me.  I know this didn't only happen in my world, it happened in yours too and I wish there was something I could do or say that would make you feel better.  I recognize that I am not alone in this sorrow...and neither are you...we all have each other.  So to EACH and EVERY one of you who relates specifically to this matter...I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for your pain.

PEACE!

Miss you so much David and Evelyn...

August 20th

Gillian has been gone for days now...off visiting with a friend.  I can't tell you how lonely and empty this house is.  How lonely and empty I am.  I'm at such a loss for words, I miss you so so much David.  I miss our life...I miss everything.  I look at your picture and shake my head because I SO don't understand what has happened here.  I am a very lost soul.

August 18th

I miss you too too much, I have a hard time breathing.

August 17th

From this day forward, I choose you, David, to be my husband.
To live together and laugh together;
To work by your side and dream in your arms;
To fill your heart and feed your soul;
To always seek out the best in you.
To share in your joy and to help ease your sorrow,
Always loving you with all my heart, until the end of our forever.

I never thought our 'forever' would come so soon when I spoke those words just 3 years ago.  I just never thought...my heart is broken.

In the blink of an eye

How many times in your life have you heard this, or said it?  "In the blink of an eye"...

Stop what you are doing and just sit a minute, pace your breathing and just look out across the room or where ever you are right now...notice...pay attention...to when you blink.  We do it without even knowing and we do it approximately 10,000 times a day...that's 15 to 20 times a minute.  Huh, I wonder who's job it is to keep count.

We all know it has a purpose of keeping our eyes clear of dust and to keep them moistened. Now research shows that a blink switches the brain from the dorsal attention network, which apparently helps you attentively watch a movie, to the default mode network.  Kind of like a little nap for the brain.  And no, we can not cross our arms and nod our head with a big blink and change 'channels'.  The change only occurs when done automatically, not on purpose.  Sorry Jeannie!

One day in May, I snapped a picture with my cell phone...

My David

...And then I blinked.  I freaking blinked, dammit, and in doing so I missed the most life altering moment of my life.  That man in the picture, my David, was gone, he was no longer standing on that rock.  He was gone...NEVER to return.  I freaking blinked, dammit.

In the blink of an eye, I lost my husband, our life, our hopes, our dreams, our joy, our present, our future, our struggles, our everything.  I lost my teenage sweetheart, my mid life reconnection, I lost my boyfriend, my best friend, my one true love, my soul mate.  I lost the man of my dreams. In the blink of an eye my world shattered, along with my heart.  In that blink of an eye, I also lost one of my best girlfriends.

Who knew blinking could be so hazardous to your health.  I'll give 'em this though...that blink sure has made my eyes moist...no chance of drying up now!  

August 16th

Goodnight my man...I miss you so very much.  I still can not believe this is real...It just doesn't seem real.

August 15th

I swam in the ocean today David...

I had to make my peace with it,  I had to get past my anxiety and back to the life long love affair I have had with it.  It was not easy, but it had to be done. 

I'm trying so very hard to stay 'me'.  So much of me has been taken away, so much of me has changed...I have to take control where I can.  I am so heartbroken and I am being buried by the pain of it all, and the visions.  

I have to flip it the bird when I can...right?!?

I love you David, and I miss you in a bad way.  Thank you for providing me with the strength I needed today.

xoxo

Forgiveness

Today I made a conscious decision to go to the ocean.  I have not been since the Atlantic took my friend Evelyn and my husband David.

My entire life the ocean has been a part of my soul, but the manner in which it has just hurt me has been a struggle for me.  I did not want to blame it, I did not want to hate it...I worked hard at keeping 'everything' in perspective.  

Today I went to say hello.  Today I went to be one with the water once again.  Half way there I felt the tension building...I felt the pull of anxiety.  Half way there I said 'screw it, I can do this.'

I walked onto the sand, the powder fine sand and the first thing I noticed was the high winds and the extremely choppy water.  I sat for a time and just watched it, then I got up out of my chair and walked my sorry ass into the surf and dove head first into the cold Atlantic.  I came up with the taste of salt water on my lips and I said 'I forgive you' and then I dove under again.  I just floated by myself for about 10 minutes and then our daughter came out to float with me.  She said 'Hi mummy, you okay?" and you know what...I was...okay that is.

I did it.

August 14th

I went to lunch with a few friends today love, it was nice.  

The day was extraordinarily beautiful...not quite 80 with bright blue skies and not a cloud anywhere.  It was just lovely.

Now though, a realization has hit me...hard...

I miss feeling adored by you.  You did that for me in such a huge way and it was such a miraculous thing. 

I was so very blessed to have you love me.  I was so very blessed to call you my best friend.  

I miss you so much my David, and really, these words mean nothing for what I am really feeling, it goes so much deeper than that.

August 13th

I got your sign and I'm dumbstruck.  I'm still working with this one...It's big.  I know I said "if you send me this one sign I will never doubt again", but it's just so unbelievable to me.  And with GiGi home, I immediately thought maybe she did it.  But why?

The next day GiGi left with friends for the day.  I was working on the laptop and started thinking about yesterdays 'message'.  I jumped up and went into the bathroom and started slamming the door...loud.  I wanted to see if the motion and force would make the bolt come out on it's own.  I did this for about 5 minutes and nothing happened.  Well, the bolt didn't budge, but something else happened.  

You see, on the bathroom floor had been a little tiny white dot, it had been there for two days...it wasn't much bigger than what a hole punch would make and it wasn't like me to notice something on the floor and just leave it, but I did.  I had, for two days.  Now, at this particular moment in time, after slamming the door in experimentation I looked down at the white dot.  It was no longer white.  Now it was the number 5...the number 5 in my world, our world, is extremely significant.  You died on the 5th day of the 5th month.  

And that is how I came to believe that you put the bolt out, you left me that sign and you left the next one in case there was even a hint of doubt left...which there was.  Now there is not.  I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.  I'm truly in awe.   And I believe completely with every fiber of my being.

I miss you greatly David...Life without you is not a life...it is merely an existence.

August 12th

I'm very stuck David and I seem to have reached a phase of realization that has knocked the wind out of me. 

Be close and lift me up my love.  I really need your help.  

Goodnight babe.  xoxo

Evelyn's Page

Hi sister...I miss you dearly.

August 11th

I love you.

August 10th

The sun is out, maybe it will help a little.  I heard you say "I love you baby" in a dream last night. Everything after that was bad and took some thinking to make sense...but I heard you tell me you love me and that is all that matters.  And babe...I love you too.  thank you! 

Another day done, learning to live alone is hard.  Gilllian is off living her teenage life and I'm glad for that, very, but this...this is hard and lonely.  I miss you terribly David, God how I miss you.  Goodnight love.  xoxo

August 9th

In a bad place, so very very heartrboken.  I don't think I can do this anymore.  I need you to help me David.  I need my boyfriend.

August 8th

Oh my God...you are never coming back...are you?

The Lock Post is Out!

Inside the last week of July I asked my David to send me a very specific 'sign', one that I had yet to see within this old house of ours.  One he had seen, and our daughter had seen when I am away from here for an extended period, but I had never in our 2 years of living here.  I wanted him to show me the old fashioned lock posts in the 'out' position like he had always claimed happened.  

I never got that answered...what I got instead...or so I thought was a week of hearing his name in just about every single show that I saw on t.v. that week.  As though letting me know he heard me, he's listening, he made his name be the predominant one in every random show I watched. I'm always so amazed by the messages he sends me, I'm always so proud of him for them.

Okay...so, it is 2 weeks later, it is August 12th...a Monday...it is another day in a month of days that I find that I am just not coping well.  I find that the pain is worsening, not getting better.  The visions have returned full force and they are more difficult to shake.  My heart is heavier and my breathing is getting so bad that I find myself sitting forward and gasping for air as if suddenly it dawned on me..."I'm not breathing".  UGH!  I have to do something, this can't go on, I don't want to do this anymore, I want my husband so desperately, I want my life, I want what we had...it was not perfect, but it was ours.  We built it and I loved it, all of it...the good the bad and the ugly.  I want my husband, and I want my friend.  I want to wake up from this freaking damn nightmare. PLEASE.  So,  I sign up and make a commitment to a 7 week bereavement boot camp.  It's a small step, but at least it is a step forward rather than backward.  I have my marching orders for this first week.  Reading, affirmations and a challenge.  I'm on my way!  This is a significant day.

It's 11pm and I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, when I shut the door behind me I hear a solid thud.  I turn to look to see what just happened and am rendered motionless, speechless...the post inside the door is in the 'out' position!  I'm just staring at it, I can't move, all I can do is look and look and look.  I do not believe it.  I'm suspicious.  Someone is really messing with me and I'm not believing what I am seeing.  I run to my daughter's room and ask her if she left the 'lock post out'...what post, where? she asks.  I say "Gillian, the lock for the bathroom door, it's out...did you do that."  "Oh...No, remember when we started eating I went in there and came out and started to say something to you but then said I'll tell you later...that was it.  I saw that when I went in but didn't fix it because I wanted you to finally see it for yourself because we always told you about it and you kept saying 'well I never see it'...so humph."   She has no idea the significance of this for me, so I tell her.  With a tear in her eye she says to me "he's here mom, he heard you."  I just back out of her room and go into mine and lie down and mull this whole thing over, she swears she didn't do it, she saw it too.  I said if I saw it I would NEVER doubt his signs, his messages...but even this one might just be too much for me.  

I turn out the light and go to sleep thinking to myself that this HUGE sign has to be David's way of telling me he knows of the boot camp, he knows of my struggles and he wants me to know he is here with me through it all.

I choose to believe.

I love you my boyfriend, my husband, my David.  Oh how I do.

Gratitude

Well, I am no richer nor poorer...I did however sleep 8 solid hours, first time in 3 months and for that I have gratitude.

For many many things I have gratitude actually.  Never think that I don't baby, you know me better than that.  I may write about great sadness...a lot.  The shear magnitude of the loss, the void, where you once were brings me there often and I cry.  Many many many times a day in fact, but those moments are fleeting.  They are just little bursts of energy...like fireworks...where you have the HUGE bang of reality and all the little fingers of light that reach far out into the sky but then just as fast they fall backwards and disappear as if ti never was.  Standing there, you know that you were rocked to the core and you still feel the vibrations inside, and you know you are now prepared for the next huge bang to come...

I am still no clearer to understanding, I feel just as lost and confused as to the purpose of all this. How such a dear dear man and a dear dear woman could be chosen, two very gentle souls taken just when they, you were hitting your prime.  I'm not sure I will ever understand David, I'm not sure it could even matter or make any kind of difference in my world...the knowing.  The loss is large, the void is big, the pain is time infinity but the love is far greater than all that.  The love is to infinity and beyond...said like Buzz Lightyear just for you babe.

So now, with gratitude in my heart, I say Good morning lover...and Good morning Evelyn my sweet sister.

Peace, LOVE and happiness!!  xoxo

See you in my dreams...

I had a dream and you were there.  

I was sitting on a bar stool in a house...bad vibes everywhere.  

You walked through the door, came to me, looked me directly in the face and into my eyes and very strongly and determinedly said "I love you baby."  My first thought was that you stood out clearly and vividly  while the rest of the picture looked as though seeing it through a filter. My response to you was..."then why the rest of this scenario?  This is all wrong, this is not you, what is happening here, why is this all playing out like this?"  The rest was not good for me, it was not real, and I believe it was more a riddle or a skit playing out some of my feelings from when I'm awake.

Since you've been gone I have gone through every imaginable emotion, none sits with me long...an hour tops.  But they have come,  and there are a few that come by a lot...defensiveness, betrayal and manipulation.  Sounds weird, I know, especially under the circumstances but they come on with a vengeance at times and eat at my psyche.  I know our truth though, only we do.  Anyone else that believes they have you, me or us figured out is wrong...they were not here, they are not us, they were not involved in our GREAT MANY conversations...they do not know.  We do and that is all that matters here.

The underlying feeling of the dream was none of this is real it is some kind of riddle and the rest of my time inside this altered state was spent connecting the dots and cracking the code.  I believe it all was your way of showing me you can hear me, you know what is on my mind and you are letting me know that we are together in my thinking.  That is why you approached me 'clearly' at the onset with such determination, to say 'I love you'.  To give me the power to get through the rest knowing full well it was not real, obviously, but a message.

Well I figured out the context and confirmed my thoughts with dream interpretations...long story short...the meaning in a nutshell: 

• To dream of love or being in love suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It refers to your contentment with what you already have and where you are in life. 
• To dream of your lost love represents an idealistic relationship. 
• To dream that you are abandoned suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream indicates you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. It may stem from a  recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream as part of the healing process and dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked.
• To dream that you have been betrayed represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation.  This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time.
• To dream that someone has betrayed you indicates self-pity. You are feeling sorry for yourself

So, there it is I guess.  Even though the betrayal and abandonment was more on your behalf, meaning you've been betrayed, abandoned, it has had a HUGE affect on me and it is something I have been struggling with since your funeral service.  The effects of which I still feel to this day, every day.  

I suppose all of this was your way of telling me it is time for me to put on my big girl panties, put past feelings behind me, let old attitudes go and stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with the healing.  Well shit David a simple 'I love you...now get over yourself' would have sufficed!  

Anyways, thank you for such a clear pronouncement.  Message received.

And babe...I love you too.

August 7th

Extreme highs
Immensely low lows
lost time 
lost love
lost
lost
lost
smiling 
then not
crying
then not
alone
but not
yet am
breathing
but not
alive
yet not
but trying

I'm trying love, and I'm doing, and I'm inching my way through.  I just pray you will be by my side through this journey, you said you would be by my side for the rest of my life...I know I can't see you now, but I hope you are still there.

I love you David and I miss you big.

August 6th

Good morning my love...made it through!

Fell asleep early, 1am as opposed to 3:30...I think that's good for a change.  The thing I talked to yo about, the thing I've been struggling with...all I can say is I've done my best, I've done no wrong, I've tried and it is what it is I guess.  It's not what I would have chosen, but...In the past we had discussed this subject in great length.  You tried to explain, to get me to understand and I didn't fully, I didn't see it...now Iget it, boy do I ever...I'm starting to get a lot of things.  And all I can do is be sorry that is has been this way for you for so long and hug you in my heart...tight.

I love you my beautiful husband

August 5th

Calm, peaceful day, stayed home again trying to regain some footing...the last few days really kicked my ass.  Sat in the yard, for the first time since you left, and read my kindle.  First time I was able to do something we did so often together...I had GiGi out there with  me so maybe I cheated a little.  Anyway...time for me to call it a day and climb into our bed.  I love you David...see you when I see you.

xoxo

To Evelyn...Hello my friend.  It is an incredibly beautiful day and thinking of you just now made me smile huge and then in the next breath cry.  I miss you terribly and I think of you every minute I'm awake.  I can not believe it has been 3 months, for me it still feels like yesterday.

I love you my girlfriend...Peace to you!

August 4th

The sun is out, the sky is blue, I slept fitfully but still feel good...you must have been lying beside me love.  Today I feel light, lets hope it lasts!

Goodmorning my sunshine, my sweet man.

August 3rd

Today I hid from the world...I showered, plucked my eyebrows...well, mowed really, talked to Mom, spent 8 hours looking in the fridge/freezer trying to figure out what to eat and in the end just ordered a pizza.  I'm just not feeling I want to be in the kitchen, I'm not wanting to cook.  Not anymore.

Finding myself struggling baby, I guess it's to be expected from time to time.  I guess I need to have my moments, they scare me though.  I can't let them take hold, I have to walk through to the other side as quick as I can.  I'm afraid of being there too long.

I love you David, please be near me and help me through right now.

Goodnight my love.


For you my love...and for Evelyn

"I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need, by sun and candle light...I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life."

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

August 2nd

I miss you like you will never know, and I must tell you I have heard the name David spoken on almost every single show I have watched throughout this week...just random shows, and the featured name was always David.  Not Dave...David.  I do not think that is a coincidence and it has never happened before.  You never cease to amaze me love.

Goodnight my David

Hi Evelyn...

August 1st

I went to a wake tonight...another wake.  I knew it would be hard, I tried to prepare myself, I went with some friends.  We walked in, first I found my friend who's father we were here for and then my eyes went to the front of the room and that is when it happened.  All sound left me and the panic tried to take hold.  I stuck to Kristen like glue and just kept looking at him.  It was not you and I just kept focusing on that...then I was fine.  I did it and I'm proud of me.  I so wanted to be there for my friend but was afraid I couldn't do it...but I did.

Too much sadness in too short a time, it sure makes you see that all we really are promised is this minute and we have to make damn sure it is one rockin kick ass minute at that...

I love you my David, my boyfriend, my husband.  Oh how I do, I cry so much for you but that is okay I guess...they say it cleanses the soul.  Goodnight baby.

July 31st

Well, another day at the lake with our best friends babe, it's just never the same without you...Evelyn either.  This new life we were creating with the people we chose, and who chose us, to come along for the ride...well I'm sticking to it love but we all feel the change, we all feel the pain and we all miss you two in an awful way.  I know you'll be near, you always are.  The signs you have managed to send me are iffefutable and pwerful.  Right from the beginning you have done such a beautiful job with your messages and letting me know you are withb me and I'm so very proud of you for it.

It is a beautifyl day and I am going to have fun with our people...yes I am.  I love you my David.


Well that's done...another fun day with the family we chose so many years ago...we laughed, we ate, we swam and we drank...and of course no day would be complete without yours truly busting out in tears.  I just can't seem to get used to this new way of being.

I love you my boyfriend.   Goodnight

July 30th

Oh David...I so desperately need a break from the pain of death and dieing.  In my world, which feels very small these days, there have been 5 or so deaths that have happened and it is hitting me hard.  It's just so hard to process it all sometimes and when it gets 'backed up' in my head, well,  it becomes extremely overwhelming and one situation just melds into another until finally I am just a freaking mess...still and again.

Debi lost her Daddy last night, you and Eve need to go find him and hug him and welcome him...he just lost the fight for his life.

Peace my husband...I miss you baby.


I love you and I'm signing off...another long day without you.  And no, it is no easier, if you were wondering.

July 29th

Hello Evelyn...what are you doing today...feel like coming over and sitting with me a while...I could really use to hear your voice and see your face right now.  Ugh.  I miss you Evelyn, and I love you very much.

Goodnight moon...

July 28th

Having a tough time love.  A very tough time.  I just miss you too damn much.

The countdown

You were always so big on the countdown...to when you would travel to me, or when I would come to you...the hours the minutes the seconds until we would be in each others arms again. Being separated was always so hard for you, for me,  and the countdown just seemed to help. You always did it...right from day one.  

I keep a countdown of my own these days, only mine doesn't seem to help with anything, it just is a reminder...a reminder of how long we have been separated, how long it has been since we have been in each others arms.  A reminder of how much time has passed since I laughed with, and hugged one of my very best friends, since we toasted to our lives that we were loving so much. It is a reminder of how much time has passed since you and she left, and I stayed.  A reminder of how many days I have cried hard tears for you, for Evelyn, for me, for our families...for our kids.

So here it is...Silly, I know, but there it is in terms you can relate to my love.

3 months or 13.1 weeks

92 days or 2, 208 hours

132,480 minutes or 7, 948, 800 seconds

Life is good, I have always said so.  I have worked very hard to always see it that way, no matter what.  This circumstance won't change that, cannot change that...I won't let it. 
I still feel that life is good.  I know that I am a little lost right now, having a very difficult time seeing through to the light but I must do it.  I must see the good in everything or ALL of this will have been for nothing.  I know there is a reason I was left to walk away.

David, I am so sad and broken.  Some days I don't feel like I can even stand up but I do.  I do it all and I don't think most people I see would even know how bad off I am right now.  I work hard at being 'normal', everyone has enough on their own plates, they don't need to worry about me too.  Besides, this is my gig, my experience, my journey.  There isn't one single thing anyone could do or say to change it for me.  I am the creator of my own life. Only I can choose to lay down and cower from what the universe throws at me...or stand as tall as I can, with my chin held high and tears in my eyes...and dance.  And I choose to dance, to love life, to gaze at the beauty of this world that I live in, to stand in awe by the ocean as I have always done.  I choose to live for me, for my family, for my friends...I choose to live for you my love and for Evelyn.

Ours...2010

Evelyn 

Best Sisters...

Best friends...

I may no longer have the privilege to have you at my side for all of my life, or to gaze into your beautiful beautiful face, or to smell that wondrous scent that is uniquely you, or to lay my hands on you and kiss your perfect mouth.  But I have all those moments, from when I was lucky enough to have it all with you, stored safely inside my soul.  I go there often and I break down hard when I do... for the loss, for the joy, for the beauty of it all.  And when I leave that place and come back to the now, I smile and wipe away the tears,  because I know that I was so very very lucky and so very blessed that you loved me so deeply.  That you spent so much time looking for me,  that you found me, and that we were husband and wife...we were David and Kristen Machado.

L O V E

Woo Hoo!  How freaking lucky am I?  

So thank you my David, thank you for finding me, for loving me and for giving me what we had. I hope that where you live you are happy, safe, free and whole again.  That you can see me and watch over me and that you know how adored you are.  You are a special, special man.

And David...I hope you still dance too.

Peace, love and happiness on this 92nd day.

Triggers

I am finding that so many things are triggers...

Opening the medicine cabinet to brush my teeth and seeing 'his' shelf just as he left it...

Opening the curtains in the living room in the morning and catching a glimpse of his car...the car that caused some angst.  I can laugh now at the audacity of it.  HeHe  I was gone on a trip...and a week or so into it I happened to see that he posted on fb 'oh yeah...happy birthday to me' and underneath was a picture of a new, beautiful cranberry colored Volvo.  Well, needless to say I immediately logged off (I was on dial up) and called him..."Hey, what's with the picture of the car?",  from him I hear "It's mine, I bought it, do you like it?",  "Well yeah, it's beautiful, but what do you mean it's yours...don't you think you should have talked to me about it first...how did you pay for it?", "I sold your car...remember I talked to you about it?", uummmm  "NO...YOU SOLD MY CAR?  is this a joke, cuz it's not funny.", "Remember I told you your inspection sticker runs out in December and it needed a new @$%^#, so we would need to decide what to do about it?", uummmm "Yes, I remember, at the end of December we needed a new sticker but before that we needed to replace a break thing-a-ma-jig and that we had over a month to deal with it...from that you heard...sure babe, by all means, sell MY car to get yourself a brand new car, I'll just walk.", "uummm, well, you can have my old one =)."   Like I said...the audacity.  He's VERY lucky he's cute and I'm cool as hell.  lol

Getting in the car and going anywhere...he brought me to Rhode Island, this place was his home, I see it through his eyes as he introduced it to me, everywhere I go...we went, all of it.  I can't seem to drive anywhere without crying.  I do it ever day.

Being in the kitchen.  I am, by nature, a big cook.  I swear he married me for my food.  lol  We spent a lot of time in the kitchen...he would DJ, I would prepare a feast.  We would dance, we would sing.  And that is where he would find me when he came home from work...nurturing a meal I prepared just for him.  Always.  I can hear him enter the foyer downstairs and sniff loud and mumble some giddy little comment, then the tromp up the stairs where he would have his greeting by his biggest fan,  Jewels our chihuahua.  Then he would hit the landing and say 'Hey good lookin...whatcha cookin' and then he would walk up behind me and grab my ass or my...well, you get the picture. ALWAYS.  Every night.  Without fail, this is how it was.  I have not really cooked anything since the day before he died, I have no taste, no desire, no joy in it just now.  I pray this will change.

Our home...I have not changed a thing...all is as he left it when we embarked on our journey that fateful morning in May.  His jacket is hung on the hook.  His crossword is open to the page he left it.  His shorts and T are on the chair at the end of the bed.   Everything looks so normal, looks as it should.   But normal it isn't.  Nothing is normal here anymore.

So so many triggers, and these were just a few.

The name...David

This last week of July/first week of August was a difficult one for me.  For some reason I just felt very down and defeated.  Maybe, with the distance of time, I know I am being carried further and further away from my love.  Maybe I am fighting my way out of denial and un-acceptance, emotionally kicking and screaming into the dawn of reality and I HATE IT, who knows.

I'm not a big television person.  I do not turn it on throughout the day until evening, and then it's to sit back and relax and watch the same shows I did with my husband.  Some funny, some repeates, whatever...it's just comfortable and familiar to me.

This week I saw  many shows...Paranormal Witness, Chopped, House Hunters International, Undercover Boss, Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Hoarders, Long Island Medium, Restraunt Stakeout, Bar Rescue etc etc etc.  Fascinating, right?!?  It's a grande life, but someone has to live it...

Anyway, this past week, this difficult past week, on each show I watched the featured person of each and every show had the name David.  There was not one show I saw that the main person of the episode was not named David...not Dave, but David.  I heard it every time, but it wasn't until part way through the week that I realized it was a sign meant just for me, from the love of my life.  

You see, at the beginning of the week I sat here crying and I picked out a VERY specific thing that, if he made it happen, I would never ever doubt in signs again no matter how small.  If he did this one thing I would forever be a believer.  It has not happened yet.   

We live in the top floor of a VERY old, 1895,  Bell Mansard Victorian, and David used to say he always felt scared to go into our Master closet...the hairs on the back of his neck would stand up every time he went in.  Also, whenever I was away traveling, he and our daughter would say that the old 'post' locks would always be in the 'out' position.  Noone ever really even uses them and to do so you have to physically turn the knob to make the post come out of the door.  For some reason when I am home it doesn't happen, but when I am gone they both swear it ALWAYS happens.  This...this is what I asked of my husband...the sign I wanted to see...make the posts be in the out position like you used to claim.  Do that and I will forever believe.

It has not happened, the posts remain tucked inside the door where they belong...but maybe that is because 'another' has control over that trick...maybe the ghost of the founding owner of this beautiful old home,  who died in his kitchen here on the first floor...knowing this, my husband did the only thing he could think to do and that was to have his name plastered on every single show I watched in a weeks time.  David, David, David, not Dave as he was known by those of his former life, but David as was spoken by me, and those in his new life...his name, David, was spoken every single day inside of this house through the voices of the television.

That's good enough for me...

Stuck

I'm stuck.

Feelings and emotions are stuck.

In the beginning it seemed I was able to pour out my feelings, whether spoken or written.  But now, now I feel stuck to get a thought down.

Nobody knows.  Nobody knows what is inside of me.  

What I have thus far admitted and what is actually true are two vastly different realities.  What you see is just the pretty dress I don to be presentable in public, the rug if you will, that I have swept the mess that is me under.
The depths of my pain, my emotions, my fears...all of it are just something there are no words for.  If I wanted to tell I wouldn't be able for I was never taught the words used to describe such hell...not in school...not in life.  I am 46 and I have no words to my knowledge that can be used to speak of what is happening inside of me.  That reality is a frightening one.  
Even universal symbols have not been created for me to use here.  Hold your temples and everyone knows...headache.  Hold your belly and everyone knows...stomachache. Hold your throat and everyone knows...choking. 
What do you do when inside the vehicle that is your body, you are in excruciating, life altering, mind blowing, gut wrenching, unspeakable pain? What are the words? What are the symbols? How do I tell?  How can anyone know?  How can anyone help when there are no words? 

I log on to your fb page...often...I need to talk to you when I wake and before I sleep at night.  I need to tell you how I walked through my day.  It is something I have felt compelled to do from the moment I came home from the hospital...almost like I couldn't find you anywhere but I knew I would find you here.   On that rock, the white, it ripped away my life...it didn't take me...but it took my life.  All that was,  just mere seconds before, is now gone.  All of it...gone in the blink of an eye.  So I log on to your fb page often, I look at what is no longer, I look at the pictures of all that was taken from me, you, our hopes, our dreams, our spoken words, our glances, everything we shared each and every day, and I think that...well, I think...You found me here...just maybe I will find you here. 

I want to find you here.