Well I got my oldest graduated!
I say that like I alone am responsible for this magnificent accomplishment. I know I'm not...believe you me. But I do know that my experience in this 12+ year endeavor was mine alone. My worries and my fears were all mine. The stress...mine.
Our educational journey, Gillian's and mine, began on the floor of her bedroom before she could even walk or crawl...I see it so very clearly. I had bought a plush cream colored area rug that almost met all four walls of her room. It hid the nasty old, as in double digits old, brown carpet of that room. We lived in an apartment. Carpet in an apartment should be replaced every two years!!! Eeeeew, but I digress...
The beginnings of life for my baby girl happened on that plush cream colored rug. So many important life lessons started right inside the clean little bubble of her nursery. It is where I helped her learn to roll over. I would gently roll her tiny body from back to front and then back again. She would start to whimper when she realized she couldn't see me, then smile huge when I rolled her back. I taught her where her eyes were and her ears and her nose, she learned she had 'stinky feet' and mommy always wanted to 'eat them up'. She learned to 'pat-a-cake', and that I loved her 'so big'. She learned 'arms up' when I changed her dress or shirt, and she would whimper when she couldn't see me, then smile huge when her face emerged from under the clothes. She was taught 'peek-a-boo' which was not an immediate hit, again with the whole 'can't see mommy' thing. And it is in just those moments of fright that I was teaching her the most important lesson she would ever learn in her entire life...Mommy could ALWAYS be found. It was on that cream colored rug that this child of mine was learning that no matter what, I would do my best to be with her when she needed me most and I would have her back always. Whether she liked it or not!
I have taught her EVERYTHING! Well, maybe not calculus or the metric system, and definitely not string theory or the evolution of man. But...well...I did teach her to read and write and add and subtract. Her teachers spent years expounding on all of that of course so they do deserve some credit <wink>. It was me that taught her to be kind and compassionate. It was me that showed her that coloring outside the lines was perfectly acceptable because sometimes maybe those lines shouldn't have been there in the first place. It was me that taught her that being a 'lady' was very important, but being a lady who got dirty and sweaty playing in the mud was cool as hell. She learned from me to treat creatures well and with respect...live and let live, and that it is perfectly acceptable to smash that little critter to bits when it is midnight and you find it crawling under your covers. She learned that women can and should be able to do for themselves first, if someone wanted to come along and help carry the load then smile and say thank you but if not then she needs to be able to say "I've got this".
She learned many hard lessons far too early in life and she has handled them with grace. She learned a simple life, growing up in the Ozark Mountains, but it is there too she learned about abuse, about lies, about deception, about betrayal and about hurt. She watched her Mom go through it all, and I can only hope that my behavior, my actions and my strength made a lasting impression for how a woman can kick ass with grace and dignity. And at 13 she learned what it was like to leave her brother, her grandparents, her home and belongings, and the only life she's ever known , behind and start all over...new place, new people, new life. At 13 she learned what it was like to, finally, have a Dad.
It is here in Rhode Island that she became a 'classically' trained teenager <sigh> much to this mother's dismay...Oh, I know I'm not alone...but aren't we really? I mean each of our experiences is our own personal experience, there may be similarities but still...you are not me, you don't know how I feel. Nor I you. So, even though there are like a gazillion Mom's out there I think it is acceptable to say "I feel alone" sometimes. (insert picture of arms crossed over chest and foot stomp here). Her learning morphed into a whole new entity. The words I taught her...she won't use them! Ugh! At least not with me...silent treatment...just because. She learned to push her luck and to push my buttons. She learned the fine art of shock value and it's effects on Mother. (Ha! Joke is on her...I outwardly 'love' every look she creates while cringing on the inside. I think she 'hates' me for it...score for Mom!) She learned to assert her independence in all the wrong places. It is about now that she also learned an excruciating life lesson. Less than 3 years into our new life with the only Dad she has known, he died very unexpectedly. She saw her Mom broken to pieces on the floor trying desperately to put herself back together, I'm still trying...every minute of every day. I hope she can appreciate this and be proud of me for it some day. Her pain is her look I believe. She has also learned that she doesn't fit in at her school...jocks and cheer leaders and bullies, oh my! So she appointed herself part of the misfits group, and they made her the leader. Why wouldn't they, she is stunningly beautiful and she wants to hang with them, she is trendy and completely outside the box with her looks (insert picture of purple mow-hawk, pierced septum and small gauges in her ears, and tattoos everywhere), she gets great grades without much effort, and she drives everyone around everywhere. Why wouldn't they make her their leader??!? Let me add that the description above doesn't do justice to how she looks. As much as I hated the gauges, the piercing and learning of all the 'home' tattoos her 'friend' did on her, she rocks it all. It's subtle as opposed to the in your face with studs collars kind of look. My girl is a beauty and whatever look she creates for herself, I must say, she wears it well. To me she is a really cool shit.
So yeah...last night the girl I've taught everything I know, including the hard lessons, graduated high school. She did it with a NHS award, a plaque on the wall at school, an art award, a high GPA and a diploma. God bless her...she did it and I am deliriously proud. All my stress and worry and angst can leave now...HA, yeah right! I wonder what I will worry about next.
Peace Out!
