"The Story"

If I were a poet, if I were capable of beautiful words...of heart felt beautiful sayings, if I knew how to so very eloquently put my thoughts to paper my sweet David...this may have been what I would have come up with...only for you.  Sometimes in life you read something or hear something that fits so precisely with what you feel and think but never knew how to say.  I heard the second verse of this song and knew instantly I needed to hear the rest because that one single verse spoke of you for me...you always made me feel like a million bucks David, you did that so well, and I for sure was made for you my sweet man...only you.

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops

Swam all across the ocean blue

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

But baby I broke them all for you

Because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks

You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what I've been through like you do

And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true... I was made for you

Oh yeah, well it's true... that

I was made for you...

-Brandi Carlile

When I Would Wake...

From the moment we met, you would put your thoughts to paper every morning so I would know just how much you loved me first thing when I would wake.  I loved it, I felt so deeply loved by you always, and I so deeply loved you.  I always will.  

Here is but a few...

Hi Lady of Mine.

I had a wonderful time last night.  I think Gilly really likes her new 'pad'.  hehe
Can't wait to see you tonight.

I love you

D...=)


Good Morning My Love.

I hope you feel better today.  Tell G I said, "I hope she does well on the constitution exam" today.

I love you guys =)


Good Morning Babe.

I want to thank you for ALL you did yesterday...Don't think it all went unnoticed.  I love you so much and I love everything you do for us...Me


YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!!   I LOVE YOU...Me


Good Morning My Girl...I hope you have a great day.  I love you.


Hi My Little Sunshine...
I hope you slept well.  I did. 
Love you!!

October 21st

I have spent almost six months crawling and climbing then falling all the way back down...and doing it all again. I have cried so very hard and screamed so very loud along side of smiling big and laughing hard. I am trying...I am tired...but I am trying. I get up and do, I sit up and read, I put one foot in front of the other because I know that is all that everyone wants for me, that is what my David and Evelyn want for me. I am doing it every day...sew them all together and it has been close to six months. 

That being said, I have not found me, the me that was lost along with my husband and my friend. I have not taken care of me, I have been too distracted and focused on trying to climb...I have not eaten well, once a day and nothing substantial, more like snacks. I have not gone outside where I love to be most and walked or biked...I'm too focused on the climb. I've failed to confront the toxic person that has been sucking the life from me for over a year, I've been weak and enabling.

Today a sister drew me to 'attention', she drew me to a place I haven't been in six months...Myfitnesspal...There I found the voice of my friend Evelyn and I read her words to me back in March when I proclaimed that I needed to get my A$$ in gear...she wrote..."Yessssssssssss you do! Get going girl!"

She also wrote this about why she was there..."Life changing things happen every day. I am beginning my life again and need to feel good inside so that I'm not always tempted to just "settle"...Summer is coming and I'd like to be ready this year!!!" Her motivations..."Looking out my window at the water; Need to feel good, time to do something about it!; Need to fit into my clothes again."

From the other side of the stars my friend has kicked my butt into gear...today I made the phone call I needed to make, it's not complete, but I made the call...and I went out and joined the YMCA then grocery shopped for the first time in almost six months, all healthy, all fruit, all veggies, all good. 

Today I kicked butt and I owe it all to my sister Laurel. 

If He Were Still Here

Everything I am reading, in order to help myself, talks of our bodies being so injured by our trauma that we have to be so very careful in everything we do, who we see, who we listen to, what we eat, how we work out.  

Because we look the same on the outside...sans a light in our eyes...because we endured no obvious break of bones or of skin we tend to not know that inside our bodies are working at less than, one false move and we are rendered sick or hurt.  Funny, really, to think of...more hurt than we already are? How is that possible?  

Everything I have and am reading talks of turning away from those that do you no good, draw life from you rather than give it, cause pain and anguish rather than calm and strength.  Turn away from the toxic people in your life, it is a must, it is essential to our health...to our journey...to our recovery.  I am reading that now is the time to find a strength that is not clearly felt, and to stand up and cut the ties that are slowly pulling us under.  We can and must do this in order to save ourselves, as there will be no one else to do it for us.  That one person who would have been our strength and guide to do such a thing is forever gone...it is up to us alone to help ourselves.

Well, who doesn't already know this, really?  Right?  Right!  The difference now, the glaring difference is that before, we were whole; before, we were well; before, we could cope; before, we could be indifferent.  Now...we can do, and are, none of that.   Our immune system has been jeopardized by shock and extreme stress, we are susceptible to illness and injury by the mere instance of losing our loved one.  I have known and am reading that undue stress at this time in our lives can be very detrimental, can appear in real physical pain, real physical injury.  I said I have known this, however, I don't believe I have ever actually sustained an injury due to stress. A headache maybe...a rise in blood pressure for sure, but an actual injury I have not had.  Until now!

I have known and felt since the accident that changed my life forever that my coping skills which I had honed to near perfection were nowhere to be found.  I have lost, or nearly so, my coping skills.  Now with but a few words I can feel undue stress immediately take hold in a very physical way.  I find that it torments me for many days and leaves me with physical injury.  Just as though I had worked through a strenuous routine at the gym...I have flushed cheeks, elevated blood pressure, instant headache and strained muscles.  I have had it for 4 days now and so far no amount of pain reliever is helping...well at least no reasonable amount has worked.  

I find that a chord which runs from my left shoulder up the back of my neck to my head is so twisted and in such excruciating misalignment  that I can hardly stand it.  The screams of my body to remove the toxic person from my life is received loud and clear.  But, is this not yet one more instance of stress, is this not an inward attack on me which I so evidently cannot cope with?  Clearly if this act of turning from the toxic was something I was capable of doing then the whole matter would be mute and I would not be in such turmoil, yet again.

Now is the time for self help, however now is the time I am least capable.  Now is the time I reach out for my one person that could ease my pain and calm my soul, that with a look or a touch would quell my anxieties...if he were still here.

If he were still here, ALL of this would be mute.

Dear David

Dear David-

It is Saturday...Josh should have been here, but I just wasn't up to it this weekend and for that I am sorry.  I was pulled back to the start line after climbing so far...and now I have to do it all over again.  I'll do it, I will always do it...but it's hard and it hurts, and I'm so very tired.

Today though has been pretty okay, I slept well and awoke feeling 'free'.  I made my coffee and tiptoed into the living room, I didn't want to wake Lily and Aizeling...they are such little imps and usually want to play the minute they hear me come in.  Today though I wanted to read a little and drink my coffee.  HA!  Fat chance, I am suddenly distracted by two little tiny heads with two sets of eyes staring at me...one stands on top of the other like a totem pole hoping to be the first to be noticed.  I refuse to see them though and I am determined to hold to this...I held my ground for 30 minutes, I am very proud of myself!

I have just taken a shower, still feeling 'free', I use the word free because it is the feeling I am when I am not weighted down by the visions and images that plague me still...those I can not shake...of you and of Evelyn...and even of me.  I was in our room getting dressed and at the same time picking up and finally putting away some things I had strewn about.  It was then I found your notebook, with some pictures you drew and notes you wrote and score sheets from when we would play cards.  It also contained all the notes and incident documentation from what was going on at work and I started to cry.  You were such a good man David.  You worked so very hard and tried so hard at all that you did.  You were so very special to me and I am forever thankful I got to call you mine.  I shook off the tears and spoke those words out loud to be sure you would hear.  Time to dry my hair...leaving the bathroom my eyes were drawn to your jacket and your lunch bag, hanging on the hooks where you left them the Friday before you died.  I clung to the jacket and cried again...just for a minute.  

David, I am so lonely without you.  Every minute of every day I feel the weight of missing you, the weight of your loss.  I am still so in shock that this all happened, almost six months later I still can not wrap my brain around it.  I will not ever see you in the physical...ever again...ever.  I am not okay with that, I have not accepted that, I do not see the reason for it, I can not find the joy.  I think you were too good to have to go, and like that too.  You did not deserve to feel fear, to be so scared and to suffer for even one second.  For that, and only that I am angry.  I am so thankful that at least Evelyn was spared the knowing of it all...at least there is that.  What a mess we got ourselves into, what a damn mess...

My heart is yours David, it is where, for me, you live...I know you are there, my heart is heavy and I have a hard time breathing, and I am okay with that.

Ciao my love - until we meet again <3

You were the one

I miss you when good things happen; 

because you are the one I want to share it with most. 

 I miss you when I am feeling the most lost, 

because you’re the one that understands me so well. 

 I miss you when I laugh or when I cry, 

because I know you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.  

I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night...

remembering all the wonderful times we spent with each other. 

For those were some of the most memorable times of my life.

I miss you my David because I know you were the one.

This kind of loneliness

I found this on a website for widows and thought it was the best explanation I have found so far for the emptiness I feel and loneliness ...

Loneliness is not a surprising by-product of widowhood.  I mean, even for the people who have never been through it, it’s a no-brainer.  But frankly, I think that lonely is not a strong enough word.

There is a deep silence that comes with losing your spouse.  And it doesn't matter if you’re standing in the middle of a crowded room, you will still notice it.  It’s the quiet that comes when you don’t have that familiar voice whispering in your ear at a wedding, “Can you believe she wore that?  I mean, what was she thinking?”  It’s the missing sound of two glasses clinking together on your anniversary.  It’s the absence of someone breathing soundly next to you as you go to sleep at night.

Our friends are so good about trying to make sure that we know that we’re not alone.  And we know we’re not friendless.  We could call up any number of people if we just wanted to hang out. But we are alone. Our marriages were amputated in the prime of our lives and, for some of us, there is no prosthesis.

A lot of us, since our loss, have found comfort in chat rooms and support websites and that has helped relieve the discomfort of the amputation a little.  It’s like taking two Motrin after extensive surgery.  It eases the throbbing a bit, but when we look down, the limb is still missing.

We've found anonymous support from strangers who don’t know us but are as close as we can come to confiding in people who know exactly what we've been through.  We tell these strangers some of the most intimate details of our lives, knowing that out of thousands of people, one person might understand us and, out of thousands of people, no one will be heartless to enough say, “You did what?  You’re crazy!”  Because, if nothing else, we all have crazy in common.

It’s an anonymous way to just let our widowed freakiness spread its wings and fly.  We get support from people who understand what REAL retail therapy is.  People who get that a sleepless night with a newborn is one thing while a sleepless night with a dead spouse is a whole other deal.  People who understand how guilt, anger, frustration, and sadness all come in a beautifully wrapped package with our names on it, signed “With Love, Widowhood.”

Finding these groups has buffered the fact that, with our spouses gone, most of us have lost the person we would have leaned on when the worst thing we could have possibly imagine happening…happened.  It’s almost like we need to roll over in bed and say in utter disbelief to our spouses, “Did you hear that you died?  And you were so young!”  This would be followed by a hug from them, a pat on the back, and the murmuring of some comforting words while we cried on their shoulders.

But when we roll over, well, our spouses already know that they died.  It spoils it a little.
I don’t think that most people, who haven’t experienced loss, truly understand that element of solitude.  And that’s the very foundation of what makes us so lonely.  The person who cared when something really great or really bad happened is missing.  The person who was just as excited and saddened by the milestones of our kids is someplace else (I hope). The person who was just as invested in our lives and the decisions we made is now (again, hopefully) enjoying everlasting comfort while we slug it out down here on our own.

Do you remember the moment that you truly felt the change?  I mean, the time when you realized that this was it?  When you catapulted from married to involuntarily single?  For you, it may not have been a moment.  But it was for me.  I was leaving Wal-Mart (where so many of my breakdown moments occur) when I noticed that “Wild Hogs” was about to come out on DVD Now, my husband and I had had many failed attempts to go see that movie in the theater, so when I saw that big billboard up at the store, I automatically got excited.  I thought to myself, “I can’t wait to get home and tell him it’s finally out!”  I think there was an audible thud as reality came crashing down on me standing next to the stale cookies that were on sale.

As most of us feel, I would give anything for just one more day, one more conversation with my husband.  I've had dreams about it.  We’re just lying in bed and I’m telling him all about what the kids are up to.  We both know that he’s gone, but I’m filling him in anyway.

Those are the mornings I wake up and feel the most alone, the most like I’m missing that appendage.  And even though there are so many people I could call who would commiserate with me, they’re just not in my head and in my heart living my life.

And does it make sense when I say when I’m feeling this way sometimes I just want to be left alone?

---by Catherine Tidd

Chasing Cars

I remember shortly after we realized what we had found with each other and I was still living in Arkansas, before you even asked me to marry you...I was listening to the song Chasing Cars. I've always listened to music very thoughtfully, really feeling the lyrics and trying to find the meaning of the words.  Well I was listening to this song and felt that they fit us, at least in my interpretation of the words.  We were struggling with how to come together, how to not hurt others with our decisions and just how much 'I love you' didn't come close to describing what we were feeling.  I know...cheezy teenager mush, right. Ha Ha.  That's what we were though...the teenagers we parted as just with 27 years added in.  

Anyways,  I copied the lyrics down and sent them to you as kind of a love letter from me to you and it just became our unspoken song after that.  From time to time when I would be missing you I would post a line on Facebook that would mean nothing to anyone who saw it...but you would know.  You would know that I was speaking of being profoundly lonely and deeply in love with you.

Well, I found our CD, it was unmarked so I didn't know what it was and soon found myself listening to Chasing Cars, UGH.  It wasn't a pretty scene, I was a blubbering mess but what else is new.  So here again, is my love letter to you my David...only now it is much more profoundly sad, as it speaks of my unending loneliness and unfulfilled longing for you.

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

-Snow Patrol

I need to see my husband!

I've been hanging on by a very thin thread lately.

The line between functioning and falling has gotten so blurred.

I know it is just the slightest nod from that one ounce of reason in my head that will send me tumbling into the abyss.

My need to see you...see your beautiful face has gotten so overwhelming and all consuming, it is so forefront in my thoughts and it is ruining me.

I know you are physically gone from me forever, but I stuff that...that knowing, and when it creeps it's way back to the surface I am just absolutely ruined.

Five months has come and gone and I am no closer to accepting that this is my new forever, no closer to accepting that I will never hold your hand in the physical ever again.

Your eyes, your smile, your scars, your scent and your beautiful mouth...your hands and even your 'pretty' feet...I so long for all of you David, to be here with me.  

I don't know how to get better at this, I don't know how to stop longing for you, I don't know how to stop feeling so damn broken inside.

I spoke out loud while driving through a flood of tears and gut wrenching sobs...

I need to see my husband! 

And you came.  

I was dreaming that same night about a lot of random things, but not you, it's never you.  Suddenly to my left you just appeared.

You had a big smile, and your arms opened wide, we walked towards each other and as you neared you tilted your head slightly back and to the left.  

I remember that I got a very clear picture of your face and your eyes and my face fit perfectly in the crook of your neck.

And then your were just gone, evaporated.

No words were spoken, I was not crying, it happened and then you were gone, and my dream picked up where it left off.

You were always so so good to me David, and even gone from here you are still taking care of me when I need it the very most.

Thank you for coming to my rescue my love...my grip was just about to let go. 

 I needed to see your face and I did. 

 I love you so much baby.

Ten Steps Back...

It's been a bad couple of days for me, seems every time I take a step forward I am suddenly ripped back ten steps. 

I'm afraid I'm not doing so well baby. I try, I'm trying, but I'm just so exhausted.

 I feel like all of the life has been drained from me yet I still have to figure out how to move, step by step.

I miss me, the me I've always been, the me I will never be again.

 I feel I died too that day, but somehow didn't leave my body and was left behind. 

There are so so many layers of loss and grief here David, and it is all just too heavy. 

 I'm getting very discouraged...please be with me love, please help me be strong for one more day.

 I'm so in love with you my David and I need you here with me. 

I want you here with me...

October 6th

Please touch our kids...

They need you...they need to feel you.

They are hurting in a way they can't put to words.  

This has been a good but tough weekend for all.


Love, miss and extreme respect for you always my love.

Together again...

Good Morning my sunshine...

Well we made it through another milestone, quietly, together...yet alone.  The kids were here, however we all pretty much kept to our separate corners.  I made grilled cheese sandwiches for Josh and I.  He's so cute and appreciative, the way he looked at the plate...with his grapes and pretzels, you would have thought it was lobster or something.  Silly boy.

Close to dinner time he started poking around the kitchen then does his bit 'Mom gave me some money to buy us pizza, is that okay?'  Between you and me...mom did not give him money, it's his money but he knows if he tells me that I won't let him pay...little imp.  So I gathered Gillian and we ran down our options and decided to go out to Ruby Tuesdays. 

GiGi wanted her avocado turkey burger as usual, Josh with his grilled salmon, as usual and I planned on the grilled chicken and broccoli on penne pasta w/ grilled zucchini squash.  Yumm, couldn't wait!  The waiter came and I blurted out my order, which was not what I had planned in my head...I blurted out what you would have ordered.  What?!?  Gillian's head just pops up and she says "why did you get that...do you even like it...you've never gotten that before."  HA...why indeed.  I answered, "I don't know, I guess because I saw it on a show earlier that David and I used to watch all the time."    Nope...I think you did that.  And by the way, I didn't like it so don't do that again!!!

While waiting for our food we all talked so much...did you hear us?  Gillian about how pretty she is (ugh) and how she has decided she is conceited because she thinks very highly of herself...what?  Josh and I just sat there with our mouths open like...WOW.   I just said "well that's great honey, but if you act conceited it ruins the entire effect."  Too funny, I'm secretly very glad she feels that way about herself rather than having no self esteem at all.  As long as she doesn't act like a brat I'm thrilled.  Then we moved to Josh and about how he must have girls falling all over themselves for him and he opened up a lot for him.  I was a very happy mom at that moment, laughing and joking and sharing with our kids.  I'm so in love with them.   Anyways...Gillian wanted pumpkin cheesecake to take home, then Josh did too...I don't like it, I'm a die hard plain cheesecake kind of girl with cherries on top, but I got some too.  Later I realized that Evelyn was famous for her pumpkin cheesecake.  I guess I was just a big giant puppet for you and Eve last night, which is fine by me. 

I know you were there, I felt a shift, I felt for the first time really that I could finally talk to Josh about you and how he is doing with all of it.  Up to this point I have not really done that.  So on the ride home, with Gillian at the wheel, I turned to Josh and told him that I had not really talked to him this way because I was worried he wasn't ready for it but that now I wanted to know how he is feeling and that he should know he is safe to talk, cry, yell or whatever when he is with us because we know exactly what he is going through as we are going through it too.  He talked a little and thanked me.  And at that moment I knew it was time to offer him your ring if he was ready for it... said he was and couldn't wait to get home to get it.  Silly boy. 

Feeling very light and blessed I turned back around and looked out the windshield just in time to see a HUGE shooting star.  Gillian saw it too.  All I could say was "Hi my David."  We sat in silence for the rest of the ride.  

I hope you saw when I gave Joshua your ring love.  He BEAMED...he's such a little boy at heart and he makes me melt all the time.  He is so happy and all he could do for the rest of the night was stare and fiddle with it.  I love that that boy will now walk each day with a piece of his Dad always on his person.  I just love that.

What a day, what a night, what a life...I may not have liked my dinner and desert choices but that's okay...the kids and I had a blast and I'm just so happy we three, you me and Eve, were together again for just one night.

All of my love to you babe.

Five Months

I opened my eyes today and was looking at your side of the bed,  some time in the night I had reached my hand and was touching your pillow.   I opened my eyes today and I wondered how I got here...

Today is 5 months...I've been looking at the date for the past 3 days in anticipation of today. How indeed, did I make it to this day.  So many miles, so many hours, so many decisions, so much accomplished.  But It's all a blur...I was carried here on a wing and a prayer.

I'm angry at the amount of time, I'm angry this is real.  My brain still cannot accept this as truth.   My boyfriend, my David, my love...what can I even say anymore.  I miss you desperately. I miss you more than I did just minutes ago, I miss you more than yesterday, I miss you more than last month.  It doesn't get better, it gets worse, and I just miss you. 

I know you and Eve aren't coming back, I know you are gone...I have the visions, remember.  I know what I saw and I know that it was real,  but I believe I am numb to the truth...still.  I have read that I am anesthetized.  That it is natures way of 'helping'.  I just pray that it is a gradual process or 'coming to' and not just one day boom...I'm awake.  I don't think I could survive an instant attack of feeling...

I'm doing this though...I am getting by, minute by minute, day by day.  I see the passage of time played out on the landscape around me, I feel it in the air.  The nightmare of a summer is gone, fall is here and soon winter will be upon us.  All of that makes me so sad.  We so looked forward to our life together all the time.  Summer meant sitting on the front porch, gatherings in the yard with friends, sitting on a beach together.  Fall meant you, Gillian and I going to pick out pumpkins and getting apples and winter meant sitting on the couch in the evenings covered by blankets being all cozy with the critters running all around us.  Even Jewels is gone now too. Just one more piece missing from this family.

It has been 5 months today since you and Evelyn were taken from this earth.  I don't know the purpose yet, I may never know it.  I'm not sure it will even matter to me.  What does matter is I am alone again, living by myself, parenting by myself and trying to do the best I can for our kids. Your Joshua is here, asleep on the couch.  He is ridiculously happy about school which makes me tear up.  I am so happy for him and the excitement he has.  You would be so very proud of him, of all of them really.  Gillian is trying to branch out to a new set of peers at school, and she is very excited at the prospect of going to college.  She wants to go to Johnson & Wales and the three of us are going to a college fair tomorrow.  Soon the kids will be gone into their own lives and it will be just me...just me missing you.

It has been 5 months today and we are learning how to walk this way.  But what I wonder and wish for most is that you are happy and safe and warm and at peace.  That is what I wish for the most on this day and all other days.

PEACE to you my sweet man...peace and love to you from your girl.

Our Kids now

Hello my love.  I've been meaning to sit and talk to you about our children.  

Those wonderful, magical beings that captured our hearts from first sight.  Literally.  Your two and my two, how often does that happen?  I feel so blessed that we had instant heart connections between all of us.

Anyways, you know all that already.  I want to fill you in on what has been happening since you left this side of life.  No, I did not say 'since you left us', you NEVER would have willingly done that...of that I can rest assured.  You were taken before you should have been, period.

But again...anyways, I guess you know all that already too.  My sweet, beautiful dream of a man...you know that too, don't you?!?

So our kids...those wondrous creatures.  They are well.  Not perfect.  Not fine.  Not the same people they used to be...but well.  It's hard to know the depths to which their pain lies.  They are teenagers, they are boys, they are proud, they are unsure and they are un-trusting...of life, of love, of the process.  They do not say much and they do not show much emotion so it is up to us moms to pay close close attention.  Kids are resilient, they are adaptable, they are followers.  I believe that they look to us in order to gauge how they should be feeling, that is normal.  This situation though, is not normal and each persons journey through it is different and personal. No matter how 'normal' the outside looks, the inside is so torn apart and upside down...that is a hard thing to reconcile.  For them I am doing my best.  

I have been with all four kids, I have talked as much as I have felt free to, I have been free with talking about my feelings, I have reached out, I have held each one and I have studied their faces.  They are cracked, shattered even, their world sits at an angle now...but I believe they are doing well.  They are surrounded by love, by distractions...school, jobs, friends.  And I believe they are doing their best to crawl back to a comfort level they have always known.  They have had to grow up fast since this, a lesson no kid ever expects to learn, a lesson they have been forced to sit with.  It's hard for this mom to not break for her kids.  It is a whole other side of this process to live through for me.  There is no 'I' or 'Me' in this journey alone, I have four young lives to be responsible for as well.  It is very overwhelming. 

Some LOVE school, some don't.  All are high honors so far though so I can't ask for more than that...right?!?  Some are working some are not supposed to yet.  We have one licensed car owner, and one just days away from this privilege, one waiting in the wings and one a safe distance off.  Phew...I can only take so much.  lol  I came across the 'contract' you created for G, the one I wasn't in agreement with when I first read it.  I adjusted it a little, parts adjusted themselves under the circumstances but it is in force and has been discussed with her.  I am doing my best to carry on your ideas and your wishes.  I love you so deeply David, you were our knight, G and I, and we will never be the same without you.  Thank you for accepting us and loving us so deeply in return.

Our oldest, he expressed his love and his pain and his grief with designing and getting a tattoo in honor of his hero, you.  It is well done and clean and he is safe...and so very proud.  I'm still waiting on mine, I want to be very sure of the design before I permanently honor you on my skin. I wish you were here to hold my hand through it.  Oh well...I just wish you were here.

I guess we are progressing,  learning to walk all over again, trying to find new meaning where there seems to be none just now.  We have each other and we are staying very close and connected, we are watching out for each other and telling each other 'I love you' so there can be no doubt ever.  If we have learned nothing else through all this, we at least have seen that love and home is everything.  We are everything, and you did that.  You brought us all together, you created this family, this unit, you nurtured this love and in your name we will carry on together.

Peace to you my husband, my love , my life.  I hope you are watching, I hope you see, and I hope you are proud of me and what I am doing.  I know you are proud of our kids.

October 1st

Good night my sweet man, I'll look for you in my dreams...

September 30th

I know you were with me today lover...and I'm glad.

Last step of the process and you were with me the entire time. 

Thank you for riding along, it stopped my tears.

I miss you in a way I will never recover from.

Peace love.

September 27th

You are on my mind, in my heart and in my soul...I am not okay, not by a long shot, but maybe one day I will have learned how to 'walk this way' and can say I am better...not okay, but better. I love you David Machado, my beautiful husband...I love you so very much.

Good night baby.

September 21st

You being gone is like a slow death from the inside out...

I have reached the completely falling apart stage.

September 20th

Good Morning my love...I slept with your cologne on me...it wasn't the same.

September 18th

I went from hearing 'I love you' about seven times a day to zero times a day.

I went from talking to you once, twice, sometimes three times an hour to zero times.

I went from being hugged about five times a day to zero times a day.

I went from several texts an hour, every day to zero.

I went from holding hands every night while we watched tv to zero.

I went from falling asleep holding your hand to falling asleep crying.

I went from being a happy, in love, wife with hopes and dreams for a long life ahead of us to a broken, in love, widow with the prospect of a long lonely life ahead of me. I don't know how to do this without you my David, in the blink of an eye everything I have known just stopped. It all just stopped...

September 17th

Was reading your last texts to me last night...from the 4th when I left you sitting in the yard while I drove GiGi to Britt's. I was taking too long to come back and you missed me...heh. Well babe, I missed you too and I hurried as fast as I could to get back to you. I have some from Evelyn too...she saw us out the window when we arrived on Rocky Neck, remember? HA, directing us via text on when to turn right, or turn left...and turn around when we walked the wrong way. You were so, so excited to be there. You were like a little kid upon first walking through the gates of Disney. You wanted to move us there...lol. Overzealous was the word I think I used at breakfast after you described the whole plan that took you 3.6 minutes to devise. LOL We hadn't even had our first bite of the Cinco De Mayo omelettes before you announced your plan to skip work the next day because we were sleeping over. We had only been on the Neck for 45 minutes at that point, we were just beginning our journey. You were on cloud 9...all we could do was watch and listen with big stupid grins on our faces...you were on a roll.

Yeah...I was reading and reminiscing and wondering when the day will come that I can smile more and cry less when I think of you. I miss you in a way that words can't describe and I will hurry as fast as I can to get back to you...please wait for me. 

September 8th

It has been a while...

While I sit here with time moving forward and the earth spinning the way that it does, I, in fact, feel as though my heart and my soul are not keeping up. The amount of time that has passed is an unimaginable number for me, I feel like it was just yesterday. I look at your picture and I absolutely dissolve with pain and tears. I SO can not believe that this horrible thing has happened, that you are really truly gone and that I have to now really really learn how to live my life without all that you were. Every minute David, every damn minute of every damn day I think of you or something about you. Last night, sitting here alone, pretending to watch t.v. I cried my heart out because I missed your feet. (do not laugh!!!) I missed your beautiful feet that should have, at that moment, been in my lap for me to rub. How pitiful am I??? 

I don't dream of you, you have yet to come to me again while I sleep. I know it is because I told you it would mean that something is wrong with us as a couple if I was dreaming of you...well, in case you haven't noticed babe, something is wrong with us...we are apart...we are never to be near, again. I think it is okay now if you are in my dreams. I need you to come talk to me and tell me you are safe and happy and peaceful. Please. I need so desperately, after what I witnessed, to know that you are okay David. It's okay to come into my sleep. 

I will wait and I will see, and if you do not come that is okay my love. I will understand. I love and adore and long for you always. - Me