Did You Hear The News!

The words I longed to say to you for six long years, the words that would let me feel whole and useful and needed and sane, the words that would have meant I was helping us, that I was important once again. The words I so wanted to give you...

I GOT A JOB...only now you aren't here to hear them.

Bittersweet.

Joyous.

Thankful.

Overwhelmed.

Sad.

To name just a few of the emotions slipping through my blood. Weaving their way around the fabric of my being, like an army of ants under my skin, searing a fiery path as they work their way out.

So many emotions that I don't know the words for but I know them by feel, they have been mine for a very long time. They have lived inside of me like a disease, I could trust that I was never alone because I had them...like them or not. I had them. My own personal bullies, picking and tearing and poking at the very thin thread that I hung from for so long.

This is new. This will take time to reach the part of me that can't feel the sun, and make me feel warm and safe again. This will take time for me to believe that I could, maybe, be okay.

But I will get there. I know I will. I know I will.

So yeah, I said those words through a barrage of tears yesterday and I say them to you now. 

I hope you are proud of me. I hope I've made you smile.

I love you David, always and still.

A Grey Sky, A Grey Feather

I took the dog out into the yard a little while ago, the poor thing has been dancing around for an hour but I was just too damn stressed to care. Nice Mommy!

I gave my 30 day notice on Thursday and applied for 3 more job board postings, I applied for 3 more job board postings on Friday, On Saturday I gathered with friends who all said "sleep on my couch, put your stuff in storage...stay."  One said he has two fists full of available positions where he works...everyone said "Job's basically yours."  But I don't trust that. I've been doing this too hard for too long to not trust that. There are fists full of positions all over the place, I know, I've applied to them ALL! I am still unemployed and looking at needing to be out of here by the 1st. That's three and a half weeks.

I'm not just unemployed, I'm not getting calls for interviews, I'm not even being noticed. I am standing here with my heart in my hands pleading for someone to see me, hear me, but no one will look. No one will take a chance on me. I don't have words to explain what that does to a psyche that is already as fragile as a butterfly wing. Each call that I do not get wipes away the slightest bit more of the dust that colors me so brightly, each night that I lay my head down without that call removes a tiny bit more until all that is left is the clear and skeletal remains that once was me. I worked so incredibly hard putting all my broken pieces back together again after you and Evelyn died, admittedly some pieces were lost for good, so I'm an incomplete picture, but I worked so hard at it and now all of that is in such jeopardy because the phone won't ring. Because no one sees me.

I took the dog into the yard and I looked to the overcast sky and asked "what am I supposed to do...stay or go?"...it was then that my eyes followed a grey feather falling from nowhere, land at my feet.

I don't know what that means.