Met with one of your best friends last night babe...she's having a hard time since all of this, she said it has made her worry all the time now.
Losing you and Evelyn sure has made everyone think about being in the moment and living for today.
I love you so very much David...until we meet again.
Having a tough time love. A very tough time. I just miss you too damn much.
Facebook Posts to My Husband...
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
The Penny
We've been home from Arkansas now for a week. There is no food in the house so I guess it's time to hit the market. Once inside the store the sky opens up and the floodgates are let loose. It is raining so hard everyone in the store is looking out the windows at the their car...way out there in the rain. Crap!
I finish my list and hit the register...as usual I let several 2, 3, 4 item people cut in front of me. My good deed for the day...I'm bagging my own items while the cashier is ringing up a man who was behind me. I can hear that he has come up short on money for his items, not much, but even if it is a penny it is horrifying when it is you that it happens to. I immediately reach in my wallet and give the cashier what she needs and the man just looks at me and his eyes and his mouth say 'Thank You'. I tell him it was my pleasure and go back to what I was doing. He leaves.
Now it is my turn to brave the rapids which once was a parking lot. And me being me...I parked as far away as I could. My only form of exercise these days. I start to run but one step out from under the overhang and I realize that is pointless, so I shrug my shoulders burst out laughing and walk to my car. I use the word 'soaked' lightly...I am drenched! And it is very funny to me. I notice a little older man running with his one bag to his truck as I turn to place my first bag in the trunk...when I look up he is standing at my cart and handing me one bag at a time for me to put inside. I thank him so many times it is now silly. I am so struck that this gentleman is willing to get 'drenched' with me just so he can help me. I feel very very happy and light inside. We are done...I thank him and he leaves. I go put the cart back where it belongs and start running back to my car and it is there right in front of me...a brand new shiny penny...just for me. I will believe this is David letting me know he sent the help just when I needed it most.
I am a lucky girl and I adore my husband.
I finish my list and hit the register...as usual I let several 2, 3, 4 item people cut in front of me. My good deed for the day...I'm bagging my own items while the cashier is ringing up a man who was behind me. I can hear that he has come up short on money for his items, not much, but even if it is a penny it is horrifying when it is you that it happens to. I immediately reach in my wallet and give the cashier what she needs and the man just looks at me and his eyes and his mouth say 'Thank You'. I tell him it was my pleasure and go back to what I was doing. He leaves.
Now it is my turn to brave the rapids which once was a parking lot. And me being me...I parked as far away as I could. My only form of exercise these days. I start to run but one step out from under the overhang and I realize that is pointless, so I shrug my shoulders burst out laughing and walk to my car. I use the word 'soaked' lightly...I am drenched! And it is very funny to me. I notice a little older man running with his one bag to his truck as I turn to place my first bag in the trunk...when I look up he is standing at my cart and handing me one bag at a time for me to put inside. I thank him so many times it is now silly. I am so struck that this gentleman is willing to get 'drenched' with me just so he can help me. I feel very very happy and light inside. We are done...I thank him and he leaves. I go put the cart back where it belongs and start running back to my car and it is there right in front of me...a brand new shiny penny...just for me. I will believe this is David letting me know he sent the help just when I needed it most.
I am a lucky girl and I adore my husband.
The heart
At this point, late July, it has been some time since I've had a sign from my love. At least any big ones that is. I have had several small moments when I catch a little glimmer of something and just automatically say "Hi babe". They could be real, they could just be me wishing. The ones I write about here are the grand gestures that there is just no denying due to the timing and the circumstances leading up to them. They are real and you only have to open your heart and your eyes and see to believe.
Summer is when I return to where I lived most recently, before meeting David again. I return with my daughter to Arkansas to spend many weeks with family and my son who still lives there. It is a time that my husband looks forward to every year because he uses his vacation time and we drive down together along with one of his sons, as a family. It's a long ride, the kids usually aren't too thrilled, but they have the end destination to ease the pain of it. This year was going to be a little different...My David wasn't going to be able to make the trip with us. As much as he wanted to it just wasn't in the bank account for 2 return flight tickets for he and his son. So that meant neither would come. In the end, the way life worked, the children and I did make the trip along with David's cremains. In the end we all got to go.
This summer the trip was only 2 weeks long and on the ride back to Rhode Island just after getting on the road the two kids fell asleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts and my tears. The loss of David is just so huge and painful that I find I cry at the drop of a pin. So this morning, driving, I cried hard and silent, and when I was done I spoke out loud 'I want a sign David, I want to see a heart. I need this today baby." Of course immediately I think, I'm driving 12 hours, where the heck am I going to see a heart...ah, the clouds! So up I look...is that one? No...there? Maybe, no. I give it a rest and concentrate on driving. Ultimately I forget all about the hunt for the heart and about an hour later on my right a white Toyota Corola pulls past me and I shift my eyes in time to see a HUGE heart drawn in the dirty rear window. I look back in my lane then almost drive off the road when what my eyes just saw reaches my brain. A HEART!!! I am floored, and I am in awe. This beautiful husband of mine, who is so new to this 'spirit' life of his never ceases to amaze me with the 'signs' he sends me. It is the only heart I have seen since that very moment. I asked for it and he gave it to me. How truly amazing and how truly lucky am I...
Summer is when I return to where I lived most recently, before meeting David again. I return with my daughter to Arkansas to spend many weeks with family and my son who still lives there. It is a time that my husband looks forward to every year because he uses his vacation time and we drive down together along with one of his sons, as a family. It's a long ride, the kids usually aren't too thrilled, but they have the end destination to ease the pain of it. This year was going to be a little different...My David wasn't going to be able to make the trip with us. As much as he wanted to it just wasn't in the bank account for 2 return flight tickets for he and his son. So that meant neither would come. In the end, the way life worked, the children and I did make the trip along with David's cremains. In the end we all got to go.
This summer the trip was only 2 weeks long and on the ride back to Rhode Island just after getting on the road the two kids fell asleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts and my tears. The loss of David is just so huge and painful that I find I cry at the drop of a pin. So this morning, driving, I cried hard and silent, and when I was done I spoke out loud 'I want a sign David, I want to see a heart. I need this today baby." Of course immediately I think, I'm driving 12 hours, where the heck am I going to see a heart...ah, the clouds! So up I look...is that one? No...there? Maybe, no. I give it a rest and concentrate on driving. Ultimately I forget all about the hunt for the heart and about an hour later on my right a white Toyota Corola pulls past me and I shift my eyes in time to see a HUGE heart drawn in the dirty rear window. I look back in my lane then almost drive off the road when what my eyes just saw reaches my brain. A HEART!!! I am floored, and I am in awe. This beautiful husband of mine, who is so new to this 'spirit' life of his never ceases to amaze me with the 'signs' he sends me. It is the only heart I have seen since that very moment. I asked for it and he gave it to me. How truly amazing and how truly lucky am I...
The Butterfly
It is another significant day in that it is the last day of May...The month in which one of my best friends, Evelyn, and my husband David drowned. Turning the page in the calendar is hard to do, everything is so hard to do now.
It is BOILING hot out...we are in a mini heat wave and the temperatures are unbearable. I am sitting on the couch with the curtains closed trying to keep the sun out so the room can stay cool for a little longer. I'm working on my laptop, trying to organize all the things that I have had to and still have to remember to do now that my husband is gone...change names on accounts etc.
Most that know me, know that I am someone who can not stand noises. A tap tap tap, or a click click click is enough to drive me insane until I can figure out what it is and stop it. When my kids were babies I would hold off as long as I could while they did bang bang bang with a spoon or what have you. Then I would have to hand them a sock to play with...nice and quiet. LOL I know, I have issues. I always say it!
This day I am working at the couch and I'm noticing a tap tap tap. It's loud, but I'm the only one home and I'm kind of into what I'm doing so not really giving it too much thought...yet. Finally it dawns on me, I have been hearing it for far too long now to ignore it any longer, it's been about 20 minutes and it's starting to drive me nuts. I look up and listen. No tap. I go back to what I'm doing...TAP TAP TAP. I look up again. There is nothing in the room with me, what the heck could it be. No tap. Back to my work...TAP TAP TAP. Now I jump up annoyed and I rip back the curtain to look outside and this is what I see...
It is BOILING hot out...we are in a mini heat wave and the temperatures are unbearable. I am sitting on the couch with the curtains closed trying to keep the sun out so the room can stay cool for a little longer. I'm working on my laptop, trying to organize all the things that I have had to and still have to remember to do now that my husband is gone...change names on accounts etc.
Most that know me, know that I am someone who can not stand noises. A tap tap tap, or a click click click is enough to drive me insane until I can figure out what it is and stop it. When my kids were babies I would hold off as long as I could while they did bang bang bang with a spoon or what have you. Then I would have to hand them a sock to play with...nice and quiet. LOL I know, I have issues. I always say it!
This day I am working at the couch and I'm noticing a tap tap tap. It's loud, but I'm the only one home and I'm kind of into what I'm doing so not really giving it too much thought...yet. Finally it dawns on me, I have been hearing it for far too long now to ignore it any longer, it's been about 20 minutes and it's starting to drive me nuts. I look up and listen. No tap. I go back to what I'm doing...TAP TAP TAP. I look up again. There is nothing in the room with me, what the heck could it be. No tap. Back to my work...TAP TAP TAP. Now I jump up annoyed and I rip back the curtain to look outside and this is what I see...
 |
| The culprit of the TAP TAP TAP |
The word tap is in all caps because the sound was loud...and it's on screen...not the glass. I know this butterfly is my David...tapping away, watching me get annoyed because it is funny to watch. It is my David, on this last day of May letting me know that even though May is now dead...he is only transformed. This little beauty stuck around for another 30 minutes without tapping...then flew away.
I love my husband so.
The heart
One day on facebook a friend asked me if I had experienced any dreams of David yet. It was getting close to the 3 week anniversary of his death and I hadn't had a one, but I didn't think anything of it really because I actually NEVER dreamt of him, even when he was alive. A fact that at first bothered him until I explained that in my world, my head, if I am dreaming of a boyfriend/husband then it means that man has done something wrong in our relationship and the stress of it comes out in a dream. So to not dream of him means all is right in our world! To the friend I explained that to her and she said oh.
The next day I was having a tough day so a friend came over to be with me for the afternoon and we got talking about 'signs' and had I had any more since the flowers...she posed the same dream question to me. I just laughed and told her about the conversation the night before with the facebook friend. And again I gave the same response.
After my friend went home that night I climbed into bed and did my best to get still and comfortable so I could hopefully get some sleep. I haven't had much luck in that department since David died. As usual I tossed and turned and fought off the visions of that fateful day on the rocks with my friend and my husband. This was starting to become routine. At some point I obviously slept because next thing I know it is 6am and I'm awake. It was a Saturday morning so I decided to stay in bed for a bit rather than jump right up which is what is normal for me. I must have dozed off because I awoke again with a start...the clock said 7am. I sat bolt upright with my mouth hanging open. I had a dream about David. It went like this...
He and I were settling in for a movie day which we did lately on the weekends. I had set out on the coffee table, all the fixings for building your own sandwiches. There was enough for each of us to have one giant pita pocket sandwich ( 4 quarters each). We sat back and ate our first quarter...David's being gone in three bites, mine took much longer. In the time it took me to eat one quarter he ate two and was already into his third. I got up to use the restroom and when I came back he was on his last quarter. This is all so funny to me because it is exactly how it would be in reality. I sat back down and didn't immediately reach to make my next piece and so he made it and ate it. I then watched as he polished off all that was left on the table with no regard to the fact that it was mine. I just looked at him with a face that said 'really?!?' All innocent like he said 'well you weren't eating it'. I got up and said 'you are a HUGE ass' and went into the kitchen. It was then that I heard him following me all ready to play so I said 'get away from me you pain in the ass' and started running from him around the kitchen island...he kept chasing me and we were both laughing as I fled down the hall with him chasing me into the bathroom. Dream over. Now I am awake and all I can think is...why did he chase me into the bathroom?
I went about my morning, drinking coffee and making plans for the day. I went in to take a shower and afterwards I leaned over the tub and combed my wet hair...I do this so any loose hair will collect in the tub and I can then just pick it up and put it in the trash so it isn't all over the floor. I have issues, I know. Anyways, I combed my hair and when I looked at the floor of the tub I saw what you see below...
I was awestruck to say the least. No other hair fell out of my head this morning but the one, and this is it...the sign from my husband that I so needed on this day...the third week anniversary of his death. He is with me, he hears me and he is still taking care of me.
I love you my David.
The next day I was having a tough day so a friend came over to be with me for the afternoon and we got talking about 'signs' and had I had any more since the flowers...she posed the same dream question to me. I just laughed and told her about the conversation the night before with the facebook friend. And again I gave the same response.
After my friend went home that night I climbed into bed and did my best to get still and comfortable so I could hopefully get some sleep. I haven't had much luck in that department since David died. As usual I tossed and turned and fought off the visions of that fateful day on the rocks with my friend and my husband. This was starting to become routine. At some point I obviously slept because next thing I know it is 6am and I'm awake. It was a Saturday morning so I decided to stay in bed for a bit rather than jump right up which is what is normal for me. I must have dozed off because I awoke again with a start...the clock said 7am. I sat bolt upright with my mouth hanging open. I had a dream about David. It went like this...
He and I were settling in for a movie day which we did lately on the weekends. I had set out on the coffee table, all the fixings for building your own sandwiches. There was enough for each of us to have one giant pita pocket sandwich ( 4 quarters each). We sat back and ate our first quarter...David's being gone in three bites, mine took much longer. In the time it took me to eat one quarter he ate two and was already into his third. I got up to use the restroom and when I came back he was on his last quarter. This is all so funny to me because it is exactly how it would be in reality. I sat back down and didn't immediately reach to make my next piece and so he made it and ate it. I then watched as he polished off all that was left on the table with no regard to the fact that it was mine. I just looked at him with a face that said 'really?!?' All innocent like he said 'well you weren't eating it'. I got up and said 'you are a HUGE ass' and went into the kitchen. It was then that I heard him following me all ready to play so I said 'get away from me you pain in the ass' and started running from him around the kitchen island...he kept chasing me and we were both laughing as I fled down the hall with him chasing me into the bathroom. Dream over. Now I am awake and all I can think is...why did he chase me into the bathroom?
I went about my morning, drinking coffee and making plans for the day. I went in to take a shower and afterwards I leaned over the tub and combed my wet hair...I do this so any loose hair will collect in the tub and I can then just pick it up and put it in the trash so it isn't all over the floor. I have issues, I know. Anyways, I combed my hair and when I looked at the floor of the tub I saw what you see below...
 |
| 1 lone hair on the floor of the tub |
I was awestruck to say the least. No other hair fell out of my head this morning but the one, and this is it...the sign from my husband that I so needed on this day...the third week anniversary of his death. He is with me, he hears me and he is still taking care of me.
I love you my David.
The Flowers
I am a believer. Of what isn't important, all that matters is I am, but for this instance it is the signs from our departed loved ones that I believe in. More specifically the signs my husband sends to me to let me know he is near and that he hears me. Of this I definitely believe...
It wasn't long after the funeral, maybe a week and a half. My house was full of flower arrangements that people had sent me and ones from the funeral home...we are talking LARGE beautiful arrangements. Several had started dropping petals and one of my daily tasks was walking around picking up the mess. One day while doing this I started crying thinking to myself 'once these flowers are all gone I will never get flowers from David again'. You see, my husband made sure that there was always fresh flowers in a vase for me, when one died he would come home with another. If I was traveling, he would send me some there. Always. Without fail. So the thought of not getting flowers from him ever again was a whole other kind of heartbreak for me, and so I was crying as I picked up the mess.
So many people were stopping in and there was no food in the house for myself and daughter either...so, as much as I loathed to, I went to the market for groceries. I found this task very difficult, realizing that a great deal of things I bought because David wanted it no longer needed to go in my cart. On top of all the changes in my life here too was another to adjust to. God this whole thing sucks.
Anyway, I made my way around the store and had a fair amount in my cart, so got in line at the check out. I noticed a tall scraggly looking guy with 4 items in his arms so told him he could cut in front of me, as I had so much stuff. He thanked me. At that point I noticed a spot available at the next register so I went to it instead and waited my turn. As I was placing my items on the belt the gentleman from the other lane, that I had let cut in front of me, walked up to me and handed me a bouquet of flowers...I was dumbstruck. I just stood there with my mouth open and tears in my eyes and looked at him. He just said thank you and walked away. He was half way to the door before I found my voice and yelled thank you. Then out loud to no one in particular..."you have no idea what you have just done for me."
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was the very first sign my beautiful newly deceased husband sent to me. It was his way of letting me know that he is near, he heard me cry for him and he is still taking care of his girl.
Anyway, I made my way around the store and had a fair amount in my cart, so got in line at the check out. I noticed a tall scraggly looking guy with 4 items in his arms so told him he could cut in front of me, as I had so much stuff. He thanked me. At that point I noticed a spot available at the next register so I went to it instead and waited my turn. As I was placing my items on the belt the gentleman from the other lane, that I had let cut in front of me, walked up to me and handed me a bouquet of flowers...I was dumbstruck. I just stood there with my mouth open and tears in my eyes and looked at him. He just said thank you and walked away. He was half way to the door before I found my voice and yelled thank you. Then out loud to no one in particular..."you have no idea what you have just done for me."
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that was the very first sign my beautiful newly deceased husband sent to me. It was his way of letting me know that he is near, he heard me cry for him and he is still taking care of his girl.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Only love
David and I were blessed to share a relationship based on love and growth and respect. We did not come together because it was convenient. We did not come together for financial reasons...HA...What finances? We did not come together because of the children or for fear of being alone, I was never afraid of being alone. We came together and stayed together for love...only love. It was not always easy, we worked hard at it each and every day. That was the best part about us I believe, we worked well together.
Coming together in our 40's, with our life lessons made us so very good at talking, listening, understanding, resolving, and growing which ultimately speaks to the respect we had for one another. I am a FIRM believer and practicer...is that a word...of speaking my mind and teaching someone how to treat me. I am not demanding, I am not spoiled, I am not bitchy about it. I say what is and is not acceptable and the rest is up to you. David was saddened to never have had someone care about him so deeply that they would 'show him the way' so to speak. It bothered him that "people in my life let me be the fool, allowed me to be less than, helped me be less than and not live up to my potential as a great man." All his words, not mine. I thought the highest of him and told him all the time. I guess that was why I was always so stunned to see 'less than' from time to time because I just felt he was too good for all that. I was teaching him that he was far too good for all that. And he was beginning to believe me.
Only love.
The weekend before he died we were sitting at our redneck beach...beach chairs at the end of the driveway facing a big blue tarp covering our bikes which we called the ocean. Our dream was to live on the water one day. Anyways, we were catching some rays, sipping our drinks and holding hands and he asked me "What is the best thing about being married to me?"
...without hesitation I said "everything". Well that disappointed him a little, he wanted more specifics so I said...
"...'everything' means just that, the good the bad and the ugly. I love our marriage and am very proud of us, our communication skills are awesome and our listening and growing and respect for one another make me very happy. I love being together and just knowing you are near me is enough...no words need to be spoken. And above everything the way you make me feel so loved. I just look forward to spending the rest of our days together." With tears in his eyes, he agreed and he thanked me for being the only person in his life to love him enough to be all this with him. Sooo, with tears in my eyes now, or sweat...I'm not sure. I posed the question back at him. He answered...
"...You are my best friend, I never really had a true best friend before. Someone I always want to be near and I miss when you are in the other room. Leaving for work is hardest because I know there will be a very long stretch of time that we are missing out on and we have already missed so much time. When you are away from here I feel I could die of sadness and loneliness. We enjoy each others company, just being together. Driving together, holding hands...being together is simply a joy for me. I love you so deeply Kristen, you are my best friend and that is what is the best about being married to you."
Okay, so by now it is clearly not sweat in my eyes. The man had a way with words when it came to his feelings for me, and I must say NEVER in all my years of life have I felt so truly loved before. If nothing else, ever again, I can say I had a man love me to the core of his being and I knew it, I felt it and I lived it. I always say...I am a very lucky girl.
Only love was spoken here.
Coming together in our 40's, with our life lessons made us so very good at talking, listening, understanding, resolving, and growing which ultimately speaks to the respect we had for one another. I am a FIRM believer and practicer...is that a word...of speaking my mind and teaching someone how to treat me. I am not demanding, I am not spoiled, I am not bitchy about it. I say what is and is not acceptable and the rest is up to you. David was saddened to never have had someone care about him so deeply that they would 'show him the way' so to speak. It bothered him that "people in my life let me be the fool, allowed me to be less than, helped me be less than and not live up to my potential as a great man." All his words, not mine. I thought the highest of him and told him all the time. I guess that was why I was always so stunned to see 'less than' from time to time because I just felt he was too good for all that. I was teaching him that he was far too good for all that. And he was beginning to believe me.
Only love.
The weekend before he died we were sitting at our redneck beach...beach chairs at the end of the driveway facing a big blue tarp covering our bikes which we called the ocean. Our dream was to live on the water one day. Anyways, we were catching some rays, sipping our drinks and holding hands and he asked me "What is the best thing about being married to me?"
...without hesitation I said "everything". Well that disappointed him a little, he wanted more specifics so I said...
"...'everything' means just that, the good the bad and the ugly. I love our marriage and am very proud of us, our communication skills are awesome and our listening and growing and respect for one another make me very happy. I love being together and just knowing you are near me is enough...no words need to be spoken. And above everything the way you make me feel so loved. I just look forward to spending the rest of our days together." With tears in his eyes, he agreed and he thanked me for being the only person in his life to love him enough to be all this with him. Sooo, with tears in my eyes now, or sweat...I'm not sure. I posed the question back at him. He answered...
"...You are my best friend, I never really had a true best friend before. Someone I always want to be near and I miss when you are in the other room. Leaving for work is hardest because I know there will be a very long stretch of time that we are missing out on and we have already missed so much time. When you are away from here I feel I could die of sadness and loneliness. We enjoy each others company, just being together. Driving together, holding hands...being together is simply a joy for me. I love you so deeply Kristen, you are my best friend and that is what is the best about being married to you."
Okay, so by now it is clearly not sweat in my eyes. The man had a way with words when it came to his feelings for me, and I must say NEVER in all my years of life have I felt so truly loved before. If nothing else, ever again, I can say I had a man love me to the core of his being and I knew it, I felt it and I lived it. I always say...I am a very lucky girl.
Only love was spoken here.
Friday, July 26, 2013
July 26th
Gave blood yesterday babe...they've been calling us to do so for a few weeks now. I had to tell them to take you off the list and stop calling/sending cards for you. It's what I do now...It's amazing how many job offers you are getting too, they just keep coming and I have to keep giving my speech...It's what I do now. I've gone to all the job boards you were on and tried to remove you but I guess they haven't done it. I tried to think of everything but things just don't keep up I guess. So, now I hide from the phone...if I don't know the number it doesn't get answered. Sure as hell hope Ed McMahon doesn't call. I wish you would call...oh how I wish.
Very lonely for you David...my heart is broken. The pain is real and it is deep.
Very lonely for you David...my heart is broken. The pain is real and it is deep.
July 25th
Thinking about you, but that's nothing new...
You are mu sunshine, my only sunshine...you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear how much I love you...please don't take my sunshine away...
Goodnight to you my boyfriend.
You are mu sunshine, my only sunshine...you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear how much I love you...please don't take my sunshine away...
Goodnight to you my boyfriend.
July 24th
Today is going to be a good day...filled with sunshine, water, friends and laughter. I hopw you and Evelyn will be near us and see that we are doing well, we are holding on and we are trying so very hard to turn lemons into lemonade. There might not be any sugar in it yet but at least we're trying...
I love you my man...oh how I do.
Well your friend was inr are form today, did you hear him? Did you see us? God he made us laugh today. David, you are so very missed. Everything that we do every thing that we say...you should be there.
It was a good day, I was happy, we all had fun. And it ended with fireworks...how cool is that? Good night lover. Be near me please
I love you
I love you my man...oh how I do.
Well your friend was inr are form today, did you hear him? Did you see us? God he made us laugh today. David, you are so very missed. Everything that we do every thing that we say...you should be there.
It was a good day, I was happy, we all had fun. And it ended with fireworks...how cool is that? Good night lover. Be near me please
I love you
July 23rd
Boy this place is quiet...thought my days of being alone were gone when you came back into my life...silly me.
I miss you so very desperately baby. I am still stunned and amazed you are gone forever. Lord give me strength.
Hi my girl. I'm still not believing this is all real. Ugh...
I hope you are okay Evelyn, I pray daily that you are. I'm so sorry your life ended just when you felt it was really beginning.
Love and miss you sister.
I miss you so very desperately baby. I am still stunned and amazed you are gone forever. Lord give me strength.
Evelyn's Page
Hi my girl. I'm still not believing this is all real. Ugh...
I hope you are okay Evelyn, I pray daily that you are. I'm so sorry your life ended just when you felt it was really beginning.
Love and miss you sister.
July 22nd
Well my love...slept pretty good last night in our bed finally. It was very hard being away from here. It always is, but this time was harder. I'm so used to coming home to you greeting me with so much love and flowers then frantically taking me around the house to show me all the secret things you did for me while I was away. Your excitement was palpable. You sure are missed David, many are you ever. I hope you can see, and feel the love and the impact you had on so many. You are my treasure.
I'm cleaning and doing laundry then heading to see my Kateness! Woo Hoo. Missed my Girls soooo much. Love you babe...Me
Back again and I want to make it clear...life is good, I am blessed and I have many, uncountable moments when I am happy. The sun makes me happy. Our home makes me happy. My friends and family makes me happy. My fat Fluffy makes me happy. Our bed makes me happy. The love of my life makes me happy...that would be you. LOL I am blessed. No matter what has ever happened in my life, I have said and felt that I am blessed. I have said many words of thanks each night of my life for all that I have, which is always more that I need. I have said it before I am a lucky girl.
Being sad, heartbroken, hurt, takes none of the above away. You have been such a major point in my life for enough years, and loving you so hard just makes it that much harder to cope with you being gone. We worked so hard for what we had, we spend so much time trying to talk and learn and love...being alone now, after all that, is just hard and bittersweet.
I will be okay, I will laugh (I do all the time), I will sing and dance and joke, I will put one foot in front of the other as I do each day and I will move forward in your honor doing as you would want me to do. You only wanted me to be happy and in my own way I am. I love you David...I love love love you. I will write to you as long as I need to, I will cry for you as long as I need to, I will struggle with visions as long as I need to and when I am through I will be better for having done so. Thank you for finding me love, thank you for cherishing me, just...thank you my David, thank you for everything.
Life is good.
I'm cleaning and doing laundry then heading to see my Kateness! Woo Hoo. Missed my Girls soooo much. Love you babe...Me
Back again and I want to make it clear...life is good, I am blessed and I have many, uncountable moments when I am happy. The sun makes me happy. Our home makes me happy. My friends and family makes me happy. My fat Fluffy makes me happy. Our bed makes me happy. The love of my life makes me happy...that would be you. LOL I am blessed. No matter what has ever happened in my life, I have said and felt that I am blessed. I have said many words of thanks each night of my life for all that I have, which is always more that I need. I have said it before I am a lucky girl.
Being sad, heartbroken, hurt, takes none of the above away. You have been such a major point in my life for enough years, and loving you so hard just makes it that much harder to cope with you being gone. We worked so hard for what we had, we spend so much time trying to talk and learn and love...being alone now, after all that, is just hard and bittersweet.
I will be okay, I will laugh (I do all the time), I will sing and dance and joke, I will put one foot in front of the other as I do each day and I will move forward in your honor doing as you would want me to do. You only wanted me to be happy and in my own way I am. I love you David...I love love love you. I will write to you as long as I need to, I will cry for you as long as I need to, I will struggle with visions as long as I need to and when I am through I will be better for having done so. Thank you for finding me love, thank you for cherishing me, just...thank you my David, thank you for everything.
Life is good.
July 21st
I am sitting alone in a hotel room somewhere in Virginia, it is actually very early Sunday morning, 1am...I'm thinking how strange it is for you to not be sitting next to me. I heard Pink Floyd in the car and have decided that I feel 'unfomfortably numb'. I hear myselt talk, I feel myself moving, I know I am functioning but it is all very surreal. It's kind of like I am hovering an inch or so above the ground and just kind of floating along...it's strange.
I know I talk a lot about how I'm feeling and I think it is because it helps me cope with it all, by recognizing and speaking these feelings I am able to live with them for a time and then walk through to the other side. I know not to stay in these moments too long. There is just so much, all that I feel over Evelyn, and ll that I feel over you. If I did not speak of how I feel I believe I would love my mind completely. I hope that you understand baby and i hope that you can bear with me...
Well I need to try to rest. I have the last leg of the trip to finish tomorrow. Drove 9am to 10:30pm today and another 11 or 12 tomorrow. Saw a rainbow today too, just before the sky fropped so much rain I couldn't see past the windshield. It made me think you were helping lead me through the storm.
Goodnight handsome. I hope to see you when I see you.
Woooo Hooooo!
Touchdown...it is now 9:26pm! Phew, that is one hell of a drive. Today we hit the road at 9am, 10am the kids were asleep and I was alone with my thoughts once again. Of course I cried, what the H else is new! I cried hard but silent...I miss you so David. It is such a horrible feeling to live with. And then, like always, I stopped. that wave was over. Afterwards, I said out loud "I need a sign babe, it's been a long time. I want to see a heart." Then I looked to the coulds and tried to see if I could fine one. I thought I did, but then decided it wasn't really one. And about the time I forgot to be on the look out...there it was. A white Toyota Corola drove past me on my right. The rear window was dirty and on the left side was a heart drawn in the dirt, it was as big as the window would allow and I damn near drove off the freakin road. It had to be about an hour later and I had forgot all about my request and POW. I love love love you my beautiful husband, you are the true love of my life and you always take such good care of me. Thank you for my sign lover. You have NO idea how much it means to me...it's been so long.
I know I talk a lot about how I'm feeling and I think it is because it helps me cope with it all, by recognizing and speaking these feelings I am able to live with them for a time and then walk through to the other side. I know not to stay in these moments too long. There is just so much, all that I feel over Evelyn, and ll that I feel over you. If I did not speak of how I feel I believe I would love my mind completely. I hope that you understand baby and i hope that you can bear with me...
Well I need to try to rest. I have the last leg of the trip to finish tomorrow. Drove 9am to 10:30pm today and another 11 or 12 tomorrow. Saw a rainbow today too, just before the sky fropped so much rain I couldn't see past the windshield. It made me think you were helping lead me through the storm.
Goodnight handsome. I hope to see you when I see you.
Woooo Hooooo!
Touchdown...it is now 9:26pm! Phew, that is one hell of a drive. Today we hit the road at 9am, 10am the kids were asleep and I was alone with my thoughts once again. Of course I cried, what the H else is new! I cried hard but silent...I miss you so David. It is such a horrible feeling to live with. And then, like always, I stopped. that wave was over. Afterwards, I said out loud "I need a sign babe, it's been a long time. I want to see a heart." Then I looked to the coulds and tried to see if I could fine one. I thought I did, but then decided it wasn't really one. And about the time I forgot to be on the look out...there it was. A white Toyota Corola drove past me on my right. The rear window was dirty and on the left side was a heart drawn in the dirt, it was as big as the window would allow and I damn near drove off the freakin road. It had to be about an hour later and I had forgot all about my request and POW. I love love love you my beautiful husband, you are the true love of my life and you always take such good care of me. Thank you for my sign lover. You have NO idea how much it means to me...it's been so long.
July 19th
Well my love, this trip is done. I sent my little boy back to his father tonight and it hurts all over again. I feel so deeply sad for him. I swear I don't know how I'm standing upright these days. There is just way too much on my shoulders and it's all getting far too heavy.
For some reason, today, out of the blue, I thought of that night. Sitting cold and soaking wet in the police station, a complete and total mess...making phone calls. I remember dialing numbers, erasing digits, having to dial other numbers instead, who to call? what to say? how to say it all? I know I called Kate but I don't remember a single work spoken...Tracy, again, I don't know what I said but I will never forget her end of the line as long as I live...Gillian too, no idea what was said, but her end of the line I will never forget either. I couldn't call the boys because I didn't want to tell them directly...I wanted to tell their Mom first and I didn't have her number. Then my Mom. I only remember the beginning...Me..."Hi Mum", her..."Hi honey, how are you?", me..."Not good." That is all I remember. And the officer with me, he kept asking if I needed anything and finally I just said a glass of water and some chapstick. He didn't have chapstick but I got the water, two cups in fact. Then he left and I was passed off to two State Investigators. When Kate finally came, she gave me her cherry chapstick. Then when we were walking out to go to the hospital the officer came back and asked if I still needed the chapstick, because he went out and bought me some. That was so nice of him. I felt so bad for him having to be with me all those hours, sitting and watching and listening to me fall apart. I asked him if he was married and he said not yet, but soon. He was engaged. I told him to go home and hold on to his girl very tight because tomorrow is not promised to us. At the end of the night I wished him luck and love in his marriage. He was very nice to me.
That is what I thought of today...for some reason.
I'm not doing well David, I don't feel well. I want this to all be over and I want you to come home and walk up behind me and turn me around and kiss me like you did every single day we were together. I desperately miss every single thing about you, especially the annoying stuff. Go figure. God David...go figure.
For some reason, today, out of the blue, I thought of that night. Sitting cold and soaking wet in the police station, a complete and total mess...making phone calls. I remember dialing numbers, erasing digits, having to dial other numbers instead, who to call? what to say? how to say it all? I know I called Kate but I don't remember a single work spoken...Tracy, again, I don't know what I said but I will never forget her end of the line as long as I live...Gillian too, no idea what was said, but her end of the line I will never forget either. I couldn't call the boys because I didn't want to tell them directly...I wanted to tell their Mom first and I didn't have her number. Then my Mom. I only remember the beginning...Me..."Hi Mum", her..."Hi honey, how are you?", me..."Not good." That is all I remember. And the officer with me, he kept asking if I needed anything and finally I just said a glass of water and some chapstick. He didn't have chapstick but I got the water, two cups in fact. Then he left and I was passed off to two State Investigators. When Kate finally came, she gave me her cherry chapstick. Then when we were walking out to go to the hospital the officer came back and asked if I still needed the chapstick, because he went out and bought me some. That was so nice of him. I felt so bad for him having to be with me all those hours, sitting and watching and listening to me fall apart. I asked him if he was married and he said not yet, but soon. He was engaged. I told him to go home and hold on to his girl very tight because tomorrow is not promised to us. At the end of the night I wished him luck and love in his marriage. He was very nice to me.
That is what I thought of today...for some reason.
I'm not doing well David, I don't feel well. I want this to all be over and I want you to come home and walk up behind me and turn me around and kiss me like you did every single day we were together. I desperately miss every single thing about you, especially the annoying stuff. Go figure. God David...go figure.
July 18th
Well, the night time is over...that is something to be thankful for. I don't do well alone inside the night.
It is sunny here, very blue sky and probably hot...haven't been out yet to see. My little boy, who's not so little anymore will leave tomorrow...his 6 week vacation with us reduced to just 2 weeks. I'm very sad for him about that but it can't be helped really. Things have changed. all around. Nothing is as it should be, but all is as it is. It will be good to get back to civilization, back to what has become my home over the past 3 years, it will be good to get back to CITY WATER!
I miss you David. I know I say those words a lot, but it doesn't even almost speak to what I really feel. It is an alone that I never knew was. I've always liked being alone (to an extent) I've always been perfectly content with myself, I always said I am someone who is fine alone. this...this new thing I am not fine with, I am not content and I do not like it. It is a feeling of being empty...the spirit of who I was, the part of me that I have always been is gone. I lost so much tat day and it scare to know 3 souls as they were are now gone. I will never be the same...but who will I be? That is the question. Well, time to visit with Lee for the last time. I will talk to you later handsome.
Talked about you a lot today my sweet boyfriend, were your ears ringing? My brother had questions and he was finally capable of asking. He cried a gut wrenching cry, sobbed actually. He called you his best friend and spoke of how when he was with us, no matter what was going on or how you were feeling you always greeted him when you came home from work with a "hey brother, how was your day?" You were one of the only people, in very many years, who made him feel that he deserved kindness, love and respect. He called you his best friend and is so very thankful that the night before he left RI he took the time to come cook dinner for the two of you. That was the last time he saw you, that was your goodbye and it is a happy memory.
You were such a good and kind and compassionate man David. You didn't deserve the way you were treated for so much of your life. I'm glad you had finally found your soft place to fall and that you had made peace with things from your past. I love you so very much my David...I will always be grateful for the time we had together.
Please stay close always...love you - Me
It is sunny here, very blue sky and probably hot...haven't been out yet to see. My little boy, who's not so little anymore will leave tomorrow...his 6 week vacation with us reduced to just 2 weeks. I'm very sad for him about that but it can't be helped really. Things have changed. all around. Nothing is as it should be, but all is as it is. It will be good to get back to civilization, back to what has become my home over the past 3 years, it will be good to get back to CITY WATER!
I miss you David. I know I say those words a lot, but it doesn't even almost speak to what I really feel. It is an alone that I never knew was. I've always liked being alone (to an extent) I've always been perfectly content with myself, I always said I am someone who is fine alone. this...this new thing I am not fine with, I am not content and I do not like it. It is a feeling of being empty...the spirit of who I was, the part of me that I have always been is gone. I lost so much tat day and it scare to know 3 souls as they were are now gone. I will never be the same...but who will I be? That is the question. Well, time to visit with Lee for the last time. I will talk to you later handsome.
Talked about you a lot today my sweet boyfriend, were your ears ringing? My brother had questions and he was finally capable of asking. He cried a gut wrenching cry, sobbed actually. He called you his best friend and spoke of how when he was with us, no matter what was going on or how you were feeling you always greeted him when you came home from work with a "hey brother, how was your day?" You were one of the only people, in very many years, who made him feel that he deserved kindness, love and respect. He called you his best friend and is so very thankful that the night before he left RI he took the time to come cook dinner for the two of you. That was the last time he saw you, that was your goodbye and it is a happy memory.
You were such a good and kind and compassionate man David. You didn't deserve the way you were treated for so much of your life. I'm glad you had finally found your soft place to fall and that you had made peace with things from your past. I love you so very much my David...I will always be grateful for the time we had together.
Please stay close always...love you - Me
July 17th
Hello lover...I missed writing to you this morning. NO sleep last night and finallly drifted off at 7am 'til 9am...peed, then back in until 11am. It's so strange this sleep thing. UGH
I took little E and my brother to a private swimming hole I know, and spent the afternoon swimming, climbing the rock wall and jumping in. IT was a real lot of fun and something I needed bad. It's been tough here and I am leaving in 3 days but today was good and I'm thankful for it.
I killed a bird today, it was in the middle of the road and as I approaced it never flew like I thought it would...like they always do...and I hit it. I stopped and we got it but it died in our hands. I cried. I'm not used to so muc death surrounding me...it's starting to make me nervous, like that is some kind of sing in itself.
I cried several times today, as usual. I don't know how to keep it from happening. I try so hard to not cry but it happens anyway, kind of unexpectedly. I wonder if this is going to be a foreverthing...it feels like it, it feels like the forever that you are gone is the forever I will cry for you...for wanting you back...for needing you with me. I believe this will be a forever thing for sure.
I miss you much sweet man. Until we meet again. - your girl
I took little E and my brother to a private swimming hole I know, and spent the afternoon swimming, climbing the rock wall and jumping in. IT was a real lot of fun and something I needed bad. It's been tough here and I am leaving in 3 days but today was good and I'm thankful for it.
I killed a bird today, it was in the middle of the road and as I approaced it never flew like I thought it would...like they always do...and I hit it. I stopped and we got it but it died in our hands. I cried. I'm not used to so muc death surrounding me...it's starting to make me nervous, like that is some kind of sing in itself.
I cried several times today, as usual. I don't know how to keep it from happening. I try so hard to not cry but it happens anyway, kind of unexpectedly. I wonder if this is going to be a foreverthing...it feels like it, it feels like the forever that you are gone is the forever I will cry for you...for wanting you back...for needing you with me. I believe this will be a forever thing for sure.
I miss you much sweet man. Until we meet again. - your girl
July 16th
I will think of you today...like I always do. Your name will fit in to so many conversations like normal, as it should be. It is then, when things feel so normal (whatever normal is) that the heavy fist of reality hits me square in the face and I am reminded that you are not waiting for me in Rhode Island, you are not waiting for me anywhere (well, maybe somewhere) and that this 'feeling' that lives inside of me is forever. You knwo what else I realize? I miss me.
I write to yo here because I have to. I absolutely without a doubt have to and the thought of not sirs up sickness inside. I write to you here because it helps me...maybe it is a form of denial, I don't know. I just know that I have to do it. I don't care who sees or who judeges or who things it's strange..I just don't care. I do this for me and for mine, it is what helps keep me here wit them and not there with you. I do this because I absolutely have to. It helps me count my blessings. I love you my David John Machado, God how I do. I escaped the mountain with Mom today...we needed a break. On the way in Mom said "It's beautiful out today." It really wasn't, it was the type of day where you wait all day for the thunderstorm that doesn't come, but I said "yeah, it is", and I looke around and took a minute to be present in the moment...to see the beauty around us and to be thankful for this time with my Mother. we are having a tough time out here and just right then we needed to see the ugly dark storm coulds as beautiful and we did. It lightened the mood and it helped us step outside of our heads and come back to the hear and now.
We shopped for a bit, ate some lunch and talked a lot. We laughed. We joked. We sat still and silent with ourselves...and then felt well enough to return to the mountain. I miss spending time with my Mom, I have huge fuilt for not being here for her, for living so far away. I'm just like that though.
She asked how I'm doing, and said she is sad to see the me Iam now. She sees something in my face that I do not, the sadness, the strain around my eyes and the pain. I guess it has a color...purple...who knew. I'm sorry I'm not able to hide that part of me better. I don't want to worry my Mom. Things have changed. A lot. There is no going back. Only forward...and i can only do my best.
I love you my David, my husband, my boyfriend...I love you like nothing ever before. Goodnight sweet man.
Evelyn's Page
Hello my dear sweet friend. Are you there? do you hear me call your name? My God Evelyn...I can't stop thinking about those moments, I can't stop seeing those moments. I have so many freaking questions and no damn answers and it's driving me crazy. I'm not always thinking about it but I'll be walking or driving or just sitting and all of a sudden I'm back on the rock and I see you and I can't figure out what the hell is going on. I just wish I knew...I love you sister, I miss you, I cry for you and I pray you are okay.
I write to yo here because I have to. I absolutely without a doubt have to and the thought of not sirs up sickness inside. I write to you here because it helps me...maybe it is a form of denial, I don't know. I just know that I have to do it. I don't care who sees or who judeges or who things it's strange..I just don't care. I do this for me and for mine, it is what helps keep me here wit them and not there with you. I do this because I absolutely have to. It helps me count my blessings. I love you my David John Machado, God how I do. I escaped the mountain with Mom today...we needed a break. On the way in Mom said "It's beautiful out today." It really wasn't, it was the type of day where you wait all day for the thunderstorm that doesn't come, but I said "yeah, it is", and I looke around and took a minute to be present in the moment...to see the beauty around us and to be thankful for this time with my Mother. we are having a tough time out here and just right then we needed to see the ugly dark storm coulds as beautiful and we did. It lightened the mood and it helped us step outside of our heads and come back to the hear and now.
We shopped for a bit, ate some lunch and talked a lot. We laughed. We joked. We sat still and silent with ourselves...and then felt well enough to return to the mountain. I miss spending time with my Mom, I have huge fuilt for not being here for her, for living so far away. I'm just like that though.
She asked how I'm doing, and said she is sad to see the me Iam now. She sees something in my face that I do not, the sadness, the strain around my eyes and the pain. I guess it has a color...purple...who knew. I'm sorry I'm not able to hide that part of me better. I don't want to worry my Mom. Things have changed. A lot. There is no going back. Only forward...and i can only do my best.
I love you my David, my husband, my boyfriend...I love you like nothing ever before. Goodnight sweet man.
Evelyn's Page
Hello my dear sweet friend. Are you there? do you hear me call your name? My God Evelyn...I can't stop thinking about those moments, I can't stop seeing those moments. I have so many freaking questions and no damn answers and it's driving me crazy. I'm not always thinking about it but I'll be walking or driving or just sitting and all of a sudden I'm back on the rock and I see you and I can't figure out what the hell is going on. I just wish I knew...I love you sister, I miss you, I cry for you and I pray you are okay.
July 15th
Each day when I wake it hits me that I will face this new day alone, without you. all the things that will be said, all the decisions that will be made, all the laughs that will be heard and you will not be here in the physical. Oh, I know they say you are near, you are present, but not in the way I so long for. And anyway...I don't feel you with me. I want to, I try...you are in my heart for sure but I don't see signs and I don't know that you are with me any longer. It is sad sad sad.
Then I look to the ceiling and think of all the things that I am thankful for there are many...I know that in this day, like every day, I will find joy in the little things.
...The antics of Little E's dog Sam, the best behaved little creature.
...The one lone chicken that is walking around the yard, it belongs to big E and it's favorite place to sit is on his shoulder.
...This house, that has been my home for 12 years, granted it is in a place that I prefer not to be and at times it is a HUGE thron in my side, but it is mine and the memories it holds are mine as well.
... The spontaneous hug of my son when I walk into the room. He never fails to jumpp up from what he is doing to wrap me in a hug and say "I love you mumma". Always, 10 times a day, hehe, so cute. Gillian will do it too. I can count on her giving me a 'knowing' hug from time to time when se sees that I am in need from the stresses of the day and the stresses of my life out here. It is difficult to be here, so much goes wrong and I struggle so hard to keep it all going...and for thet she will hug me and say "I love you mummy". There is a lot to find joy in each and every day. Yet in the middle of me, the pain that I wear each day...it is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I know what it is, I know why it is so so sharp. It is because of you my David. It is because you loved me so well, and so true and so deep. We had a love that, for all the years of trying relationships on, fit us. Like Cinderella's glass slipper, we fit without trying and we were the only ones that were meant for the other. Regardless of our issues, the shedding of old ways and past habbits, we had a true and honest love that we were learning to adorn for life. It's hard to trust something new when all yoru life had been spent believing in something else, but we were figuring it out and we were growing into 'us' so well. We talked, we taught, we learned and we loved each other so very deeply. That is something I am thankful for every second of my day. When you have a love like that and it is no longer there in the physical, the pain si something deep and sharp and all consuming. I cry hard hard hard, my heart feels like pieces of glass and when I move any which way I feel pain like nothing I've ever known. That you will never stand before me and hold my hand or rub my cheek or speak my name or even smack my ass (which hurt by the way) brings a feeling that I will die any second for clearly noone can live with pain such as this. It just can't be possible. But live I do, wake up I do, put one foot in front of the other I do, smile and laugh and dance I do...for you for them and for me.
I hope that your days are great ones, I hope that you know just how much you are cherished and I hope that you wil lalways stay near me David because I don't ever what to be far from you...I don't think I could handle it. I cannot believe that we found each other again after all these years to then walk alone. I will not accept that.
Signing off now my love...another day done. Tired, so very tired...nearly no sleep in over 2 months and piles and piles on my mind. I love you so very mych baby. I wish you could respond to me when I write to you...God how I wish.
I miss you love...me...xoxo
Then I look to the ceiling and think of all the things that I am thankful for there are many...I know that in this day, like every day, I will find joy in the little things.
...The antics of Little E's dog Sam, the best behaved little creature.
...The one lone chicken that is walking around the yard, it belongs to big E and it's favorite place to sit is on his shoulder.
...This house, that has been my home for 12 years, granted it is in a place that I prefer not to be and at times it is a HUGE thron in my side, but it is mine and the memories it holds are mine as well.
... The spontaneous hug of my son when I walk into the room. He never fails to jumpp up from what he is doing to wrap me in a hug and say "I love you mumma". Always, 10 times a day, hehe, so cute. Gillian will do it too. I can count on her giving me a 'knowing' hug from time to time when se sees that I am in need from the stresses of the day and the stresses of my life out here. It is difficult to be here, so much goes wrong and I struggle so hard to keep it all going...and for thet she will hug me and say "I love you mummy". There is a lot to find joy in each and every day. Yet in the middle of me, the pain that I wear each day...it is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I know what it is, I know why it is so so sharp. It is because of you my David. It is because you loved me so well, and so true and so deep. We had a love that, for all the years of trying relationships on, fit us. Like Cinderella's glass slipper, we fit without trying and we were the only ones that were meant for the other. Regardless of our issues, the shedding of old ways and past habbits, we had a true and honest love that we were learning to adorn for life. It's hard to trust something new when all yoru life had been spent believing in something else, but we were figuring it out and we were growing into 'us' so well. We talked, we taught, we learned and we loved each other so very deeply. That is something I am thankful for every second of my day. When you have a love like that and it is no longer there in the physical, the pain si something deep and sharp and all consuming. I cry hard hard hard, my heart feels like pieces of glass and when I move any which way I feel pain like nothing I've ever known. That you will never stand before me and hold my hand or rub my cheek or speak my name or even smack my ass (which hurt by the way) brings a feeling that I will die any second for clearly noone can live with pain such as this. It just can't be possible. But live I do, wake up I do, put one foot in front of the other I do, smile and laugh and dance I do...for you for them and for me.
I hope that your days are great ones, I hope that you know just how much you are cherished and I hope that you wil lalways stay near me David because I don't ever what to be far from you...I don't think I could handle it. I cannot believe that we found each other again after all these years to then walk alone. I will not accept that.
Signing off now my love...another day done. Tired, so very tired...nearly no sleep in over 2 months and piles and piles on my mind. I love you so very mych baby. I wish you could respond to me when I write to you...God how I wish.
I miss you love...me...xoxo
July 14th
It's time for me to call it a day. I am not okay, for so many reasons, on so many levels.
I think of you every minute of every day, though I shake my head so much now people probably think I have a 'nervous tick'. I don't, I just have a head full of questions with no answers, a head full of visions with no end, and eyes full of tears...and so I shake my head a lot.
I love you my busband, myh best friend. I love you as much now as ever and the pain of it hurts. I would love to see you and feel you if you would like to be near me.
Goodnight lover.
I think of you every minute of every day, though I shake my head so much now people probably think I have a 'nervous tick'. I don't, I just have a head full of questions with no answers, a head full of visions with no end, and eyes full of tears...and so I shake my head a lot.
I love you my busband, myh best friend. I love you as much now as ever and the pain of it hurts. I would love to see you and feel you if you would like to be near me.
Goodnight lover.
July13th
Morning my love...long sleepless night again. soo much going on inside. god how I wish you were here...you said you would be. Guess it's not up to you though, is it?!?
How is Evelyn? Are you two together or have you gone separate ways? Is Jewlsie okay, was she so happy to see her Daddy? If you are with me always, like everyone says, does that mean when I'm in the bathroom too? EEEEESH, I hope not. LOL
I love you my husband, my boyfriend, my best friend. I still replay in my mind all that we ever talked about and all the plans we made for our future...I think about it every day. I try not to be sad, but sometimes I just can't help it...it's selfish really I guess. I feel sad that I am alone now and that I no longer have plans for my future and everything we wished for is now just a memory...I'm very sad for me. selfish, I know.
I love you baby. Hug Eve and Jewels please.
How is Evelyn? Are you two together or have you gone separate ways? Is Jewlsie okay, was she so happy to see her Daddy? If you are with me always, like everyone says, does that mean when I'm in the bathroom too? EEEEESH, I hope not. LOL
I love you my husband, my boyfriend, my best friend. I still replay in my mind all that we ever talked about and all the plans we made for our future...I think about it every day. I try not to be sad, but sometimes I just can't help it...it's selfish really I guess. I feel sad that I am alone now and that I no longer have plans for my future and everything we wished for is now just a memory...I'm very sad for me. selfish, I know.
I love you baby. Hug Eve and Jewels please.
July 12th
Are you watching? Have you seen? Do you know? It's sad really, as always. Not really much to say about it all. I hope that you will be near, I hope that you can help. I love you David...
goodnight.
goodnight.
July 11th
Not sure what is happening down here babe, but I could sure use a break...And I wan you here with me, things really such. And that's all I have to say about that...
Hi my David, another day done here. spent the afternoon digging a 3 foot hole, cutting out roots and pulling out boulders so we could bury Jewlsie...not easy when it's 100 degrees out, but it's all said and done now. Have I mentiond that I'm DONE? Well, here is is incase I didn't yet...I"M DONNNNE! No more, enough, enough, enough. I'm DONE...D...O...N...E...Done. There, I think thst should do it, don't you?!?
I miss you so much David, crying is giving me a headache and my heart is killing me, the pain is just too much sometimes. Time for me to rest my head...I love you baby. See you when I see you.
xoxo
Hi my David, another day done here. spent the afternoon digging a 3 foot hole, cutting out roots and pulling out boulders so we could bury Jewlsie...not easy when it's 100 degrees out, but it's all said and done now. Have I mentiond that I'm DONE? Well, here is is incase I didn't yet...I"M DONNNNE! No more, enough, enough, enough. I'm DONE...D...O...N...E...Done. There, I think thst should do it, don't you?!?
I miss you so much David, crying is giving me a headache and my heart is killing me, the pain is just too much sometimes. Time for me to rest my head...I love you baby. See you when I see you.
xoxo
July 10th
Hello my love...did you get Jewels? You must have been so surprised to see her, believe me we were shocked that she left. No idea what happened, she was fine one minute and gone the next. I'm glad we were here in AR so she could say goodbye to family and friends and I'm SO SO glad you two are together, she missed you terribly. She kept walking to your side of the bed and looking up to see if you were up there. Please take care of little Jewlsie babe, the house just isn't ever going to be the same with both of you gone now. I can tell ya I can't take much more of this, so please be near us and keep us safe. I love you my David...goodnight.
July 9th
Another hot and sunny day greets me after another night of little sleep. Hard night filled with 'the' visions and sounds that I so do not wish to revisit. I keep trying to figure out what happened and how it turned so ugly so fast. I see you and I can't reach you...I see you and I think this is ridiculous, just get out of there...I see you, and then I don't. How the F am I supposed to goforward without you David, this is not what I signed up for, this is not what I want...I don't want this. I signed up to be with you for the rest of our lives, I sugned up to take care of you and you me, I want to hold your hand and see your face and kiss your mouth. I don't want this as it stands now. This is just freaking wrong and I am not even a little bit happy...how am I supposed to live without you. Damn Damn Damn.
Be near Josh love...he seems down today. could be because GiGi went to a friends for a sleepover but still, he needs his Dad's hand on his shoulder.
I love you David, I love you so very much. Please watch over us and help us through our personal nightmare.
xoxo
Be near Josh love...he seems down today. could be because GiGi went to a friends for a sleepover but still, he needs his Dad's hand on his shoulder.
I love you David, I love you so very much. Please watch over us and help us through our personal nightmare.
xoxo
July 8th
Good morning my love...kids are going into town with Grampa today so I will just be hanging with Mom.
I have a job for you and Evelyn...I need you to help Kristen and Andy, I believe they could use a few extra sets of hands right about now as theirs are full. We all love you two and we know you can do this...thanks lover!
Finished the temporary fire pit babe...even thoug it is boiling outside, the kids want to roast hot dogs and make s'mores with GIANT marshmallowes just lilke last year, remember? We had so much fun. Maybe tonight I will see your fave by the light of the fireflies...I love you my David. Tell Evelyn I miss her.
I have a job for you and Evelyn...I need you to help Kristen and Andy, I believe they could use a few extra sets of hands right about now as theirs are full. We all love you two and we know you can do this...thanks lover!
Finished the temporary fire pit babe...even thoug it is boiling outside, the kids want to roast hot dogs and make s'mores with GIANT marshmallowes just lilke last year, remember? We had so much fun. Maybe tonight I will see your fave by the light of the fireflies...I love you my David. Tell Evelyn I miss her.
July 7th
Oh my sweet beautifulhusband...you so drove me nuts with your antics sometimes but I would give up both feet to have it all back. Arkansas is so much harder that I thought it was going to be...Dad cried...and not at a kleenex commercial, he cried for you and for the pain of it all. You were/are so very loved and appreciated by the Mayos, the impact you made on all our lives is huge and you should be proud. All you ever hoped for was to be accepted and loved for who you are, well you found it with all of us and that makes me happy. This place will never be the same without you, and neither will I.
Goodnight my David...I am shutting down early, dial up is too slow and my coping skills aren't what they used to be. I hope you are here with us, watching and smiling at the kids, they are enjoying each other and I just cry watching them for the both of us. Looking forward to the day the tears dry up I tell ya. It is simply unbelievable.
Love and miss you - Me
Goodnight my David...I am shutting down early, dial up is too slow and my coping skills aren't what they used to be. I hope you are here with us, watching and smiling at the kids, they are enjoying each other and I just cry watching them for the both of us. Looking forward to the day the tears dry up I tell ya. It is simply unbelievable.
Love and miss you - Me
Evelyn's Page
Hi there Girlie...I watched the video of you, me and Kate today. We had so much fun and I have decided that it is no coincidence that we all have that to turn to when we need to hear your voice and my David's voice. I can't believe how lucky I am!
July 6th
Have you ever read the newspaper or seen a bit on the news about some horrible tragedy that a person is living through? Have you ever then looked up how to contact that person and reach out to them just because you were compelled to do so by what you read? I, for one, have never done this...reached out in this way...but complete strangers are doing it for me. It is just the most unbelievable thing to me. I am hearing things like...I was in Boston visiting family and read about your tragedy in the paper...while my heart broke for the loss of your husband David and your friend Evelyn, it is you, the widow, I have felt I needed to reach out to." Just wow is all I can say...wow at these HUGE gestures and wow at my new moniker...
July 5th
Hi my lover...we are finally here. Got here around 12:15 this morning, tough drive but we did it.
You and Evelyn have been gone from us for 2 months today and it still feels like that day...it just has not sunk in yet. I hope you guys are safe and happy and peaceful. I can tell you we are all working hard to find that but am afraid it just hasn't happened for us yet. In time maybe.
I love you and I'm missing you not being here with us. It is very hard.
Guess I will see you when I see you. xoxo
You and Evelyn have been gone from us for 2 months today and it still feels like that day...it just has not sunk in yet. I hope you guys are safe and happy and peaceful. I can tell you we are all working hard to find that but am afraid it just hasn't happened for us yet. In time maybe.
I love you and I'm missing you not being here with us. It is very hard.
Guess I will see you when I see you. xoxo
July 3rd
Good morning my love...found a penny in our room under the raidator, I just turned my head and saw it...funny how I haven't seen it all this time until today...I'll take that as a treasure from you. I miss you in a huge and painful way. I am really struggling.
Hi baby...we are stopped for the night somewhere in Virginia. Tomorrow is another day, but the driving is fine when it is light out..I don't do so well in the dark. I have brought you with us babe, you are getting your trip to AT after all...you were looking forward to it so much. I hope you are happy and peaceful my love. Until we meet again...
Hi baby...we are stopped for the night somewhere in Virginia. Tomorrow is another day, but the driving is fine when it is light out..I don't do so well in the dark. I have brought you with us babe, you are getting your trip to AT after all...you were looking forward to it so much. I hope you are happy and peaceful my love. Until we meet again...
July 2nd
Another sticky, drizzly, humid day...not helpful for the mood. I'm also going through another odd phase...I'm finding that I'm feeling very resentful, on your behalp, of all those that hurt you in your life. The pains we would talk about alone at night so you could get a good nights sleep and wake to a new day. God David, I miss talking with you, we did it so much and we were so good at it. How great that we had that. I guess I need to focus on the maturity and wisdom of our conversations and the conclusions that we reached rather than the who, the what and the why...I love you babe...very deeply. My heart seems to beat out of rhythm now and it's painful. I will still talk if you will still listen my love. send me strength. xoxo
Went to Applebee's for lunch with GiGi and cried like an itiot for a half an hour...too many date nights at the bar with my boyfriend. I am never going to get over this baby...
Goodnight my love. Josh should be here tomorrow and then we will head our of town for a few weeks. I am going to miss our home and miss our room...I hope you will be with us. Keep us safe baby. I love you.
Went to Applebee's for lunch with GiGi and cried like an itiot for a half an hour...too many date nights at the bar with my boyfriend. I am never going to get over this baby...
Goodnight my love. Josh should be here tomorrow and then we will head our of town for a few weeks. I am going to miss our home and miss our room...I hope you will be with us. Keep us safe baby. I love you.
June 30th
Hi babe...another gathering...this one at the Allen's. It's 'Family Portrait' day and I don't want to go, nor do I wasn to participate (said while stamping foot and jutting out bottom lip). We were supposed to do this together and now you are missing...I am not ready to look at a picture of 'us' that doesn't have you in it. Judas Priest, now I am freaking crying again...UGGGGGH.
Oh, and I am happy to report...I just washed your car! Yup, all by myself, I even shined the tires for you. wouldn't want to get bad gas mileage with a dirty car. HA!
I miss busting you, so now I just make fun of the dog a lot. Poor little critter.
I love you my David
My beautiful, sweet husband David...I made it through another day. I cried my way through half and laughed my way through the rest. God how you are missed. GiGi and I miss you horribly David. We can't imagine how we are supposed to go forward without you.
Oh, and I am happy to report...I just washed your car! Yup, all by myself, I even shined the tires for you. wouldn't want to get bad gas mileage with a dirty car. HA!
I miss busting you, so now I just make fun of the dog a lot. Poor little critter.
I love you my David
My beautiful, sweet husband David...I made it through another day. I cried my way through half and laughed my way through the rest. God how you are missed. GiGi and I miss you horribly David. We can't imagine how we are supposed to go forward without you.
June 29th
Hi lover, it's morning again, another day here. I slept ok last night...my last thought before sleep came was, the realization that of our 3 wedding anniversaries, we had spend not one of them together, I was always in AR. Odd how that worked out. Spent a long time on the phone with Kate...and we have a request...SEND HELP!!!!! This year, so far, is sucking the life out of us and we need some good to come from it all...so if you and Evelyn could get on that we would be very thankfyl. Okay? Great! Thanks baby...xoxo
The depths of how much I miss you are astounding. I think about you every minute of my day. And now it is time to call it a day...goodnight my love. See you when I see you! xoxo
The depths of how much I miss you are astounding. I think about you every minute of my day. And now it is time to call it a day...goodnight my love. See you when I see you! xoxo
Monday, July 1, 2013
The Family We Choose
I was reminded again how amazing my friends are. I mean, I already think that anyway...but talking with my mother just now really hit it home again.
She said that in all her years of life, she never heard of a group of people who were so good to each other, who did for each other the way we do. She has had many friends, but nothing even almost like my friends. She stated that in her circles of the past she was the lone friend who would be there, and do for her friends but when she was the one in need her friends were nowhere to be found, in fact some were never found again. I told her that is exactly how it always had been in my life...until these people.
I know David felt the same. He knew the friends of old served a purpose once, but with time and age and maturity you realize that not all people are meant to be in your life forever. Wisdom allows you to see that only the true friends, the ones that choose you for you, whether old or new, will walk with you to the end of your days and that is okay.
The family David and I chose, we love them, we are always there for them as are they for us. We have nurtured and cultivated these connections over the past 5 years and I can only hope we will all be together for the rest of our lives.
I feel truly blessed.
She said that in all her years of life, she never heard of a group of people who were so good to each other, who did for each other the way we do. She has had many friends, but nothing even almost like my friends. She stated that in her circles of the past she was the lone friend who would be there, and do for her friends but when she was the one in need her friends were nowhere to be found, in fact some were never found again. I told her that is exactly how it always had been in my life...until these people.
I know David felt the same. He knew the friends of old served a purpose once, but with time and age and maturity you realize that not all people are meant to be in your life forever. Wisdom allows you to see that only the true friends, the ones that choose you for you, whether old or new, will walk with you to the end of your days and that is okay.
The family David and I chose, we love them, we are always there for them as are they for us. We have nurtured and cultivated these connections over the past 5 years and I can only hope we will all be together for the rest of our lives.
I feel truly blessed.
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