I threw away your underwear today.
Your socks too.
And then I threw up.
I am no better. All these damn months later, I am no better at all.
In fact, I think I feel worse. It is a stuck, lost, empty, lonely, broken feeling that has become lodged in the center of my chest. It allows very little air to pass and I still find myself gasping from time to time. I'll be watching television or reading and suddenly realize that I can't breathe. It's too much.
You are the first thing I think of when I open my eyes, the last again before they close for the night...and all the minutes in between.
This pain is consuming me.
It is eating me alive and I don't know how to make it go away. I laugh, I joke, I do. I do everything I'm supposed to do but it isn't helping at all.
How long can I go on like this. How long can one person live with pain like this.
I threw away your socks and underwear and it damn near killed me. What the fuck David!
I found dust all over your bed pillows and I burst out crying and couldn't wipe it off fast enough. Fuck Fuck Fuck!
I don't want to do this anymore, I just don't want to live this way any longer. It hurts so so bad. I just want to see you and feel you and smell your skin. I love you so much David. How fucked up is that...I'm hopelessly in love with a dead man. God I need help. I just need it to all go away.
I don't want to live this life anymore.
