In your lifetime there are moments...years in history that will leave a mark forever. There are those occasions where one can say "I remember exactly where I was when..."
There are so many really, it would be hard to name them all. But in my world, in my life I can think of some moments that really stand out clearly, some dates on a calendar that will be forever etched in my mind. Here is just a few...
January 1986 when the Challenger exploded. I was on my lunch break and was sitting in my car listening to the live coverage of this momentous occasion on the radio. I had just taken a bite of food when I heard the announcer trip over his words in utter confusion and then say there had been a horrible accident...I will never forget it.
August 1990 when The Persian Gulf war was announced. I was 23 and living alone in Florida, I was home from work and sitting on the floor watching the news when the official announcement was mentioned. I immediately picked up the phone and called my Dad crying...I was petrified.
August 1997 when Princess Diana died in a car crash. I was a new, single, mother. I was lying on the couch watching Friends when the news broke in about Diana. For some reason it hit me very hard. Maybe hormones still, I'm not sure, but I cried for a week at the tragic loss of such a sweet and troubled soul.
July 1999 when JFK Juniors plane was lost at sea. I was unemployed and in the middle of a major move. I had made the decision to leave New England and head to Arkansas to be near my parents for a little while. My house was partially packed and I had been following the news of this story for days. I was horrified by it. I had met John, the summer I spent on the compound with RFK's kids. Again I cried for a week!
September 2001, just days after my son was born, when America was attacked and all hell broke loose in New York. I was in my own personal hell, I had fled a seriously dangerous marriage and was living with my parents for the time being. I had just dropped my daughter off at school and decided to stop in for a quick visit for my baby and his father, no sooner had I walked in the door the news broke to live coverage of the happenings in New York. That moment altered my step in more ways than one. I will never forget it.
May 2013 when on a clear, crisp, spring day, three people celebrated love, friendship, Cinco De Mayo, and the bright futures ahead. Futures that would not be...I was right there, I remember it all, I smell it and I hear it...every day. As far as I have moved, I never left...or it is just following me...I'm not sure which. The sky was so blue, the air was chill, gulls were singing and ropes on the masts of the boats in the harbor were clanging with the waving of the water. I smell eggs and toast, I taste cheesecake, champagne tickles my nose and tequila burns my throat. Laughter fills my head and joy floods my whole body. I am having so very much fun with two people I love so dearly. I am on cloud 9...in my element. This day was for me, the surprises were for me. It is the day that changed who I am, who I was. Nothing will ever be the same...I will never be the same. I will never forget it. I miss those three people with every fiber of my being.
It sure was a year love...wouldn't you say? Right from the word go...try as we did it never got too good in the few short months we had. It was a time of painful discoveries and unwanted troubles. But it too was a time of renewed hope and new beginnings. Our future was so bright, we wanted it so much and worked so hard and loved so deep. I don't know why it was not meant to be for us. I don't know if I will ever know.
All of our futures were so bright.
And with closing the door on 2013 and walking into a new year alone, I do not feel a sense of hope or of new beginnings. I do not feel I can freely transition to one from the other with so much left unsaid if you will. So much left where it fell. It's like feng shui, that says 'never leave dishes in the sink overnight...you don't want to start a brand new day with yesterdays mess'. I'm afraid I am starting a brand new year with last years mess still so fresh.
I will walk through that door though, with my head held high. I will do the hard work and I will fight the good fight for you, for Evelyn and for me. I will do my very best to walk out of the shadows of this haunting year and create a new future full of memories, beauty and joy.
I love you my David...with all that I am, I love you. I love you Evelyn my friend, my sister, my confidant. I cherish our last moments of joy together, of laughter and giggles and secrets. I will cherish all the moments of your last day on this earth, both of you, as hard as it is, I feel honored.
Goodbye 2013.
Facebook Posts to My Husband...
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
No Christmas Here
It is just four days away from Christmas, I don't know what I am doing, where I am going or if I will even get out of bed. Oh, I know I will, I always do...if my eyes are open then I am up.
It is not Christmas in this house.
We have no tree.
We have no lights.
There is no garland.
Nor holiday cards placed around.
There are no gifts wrapped and prettily displayed.
No Christmas songs being sung.
No Christmas cheer at all.
There is no joy here.
I know the life you see here is not what you would want, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want right now. I can't be happy for you, I can't live the life you would want me to right now. I'm in a hole and I can't get out. I'm scared to death David, I'm scared because I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live without you. I've done that, I did that...I lived 27 years without you and I did it well. I was happy and strong and full of life. I overcame hardships and became better for it. Life was good...life was great. Then came you.
You showed me all I had been missing. You loved me more deeply than I ever thought was possible. You made me happier than I have ever been in all my life. You made me want for more and crave it all. We were so excited about our future and the plans we were making. The moments of our life together were filled with love and lessons and new traditions. This was it, this was our bliss...what we had longed for our whole lives and never found. But then we did, in each other and it was so great...lumps and bumps and all. It was ours and I loved it...I loved you.
So you see, I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to live a new life, make new memories...nothing. I want to be with you. I just want to be with you David.
I don't want to do this anymore.
It is not Christmas in this house.
We have no tree.
We have no lights.
There is no garland.
Nor holiday cards placed around.
There are no gifts wrapped and prettily displayed.
No Christmas songs being sung.
No Christmas cheer at all.
There is no joy here.
I know the life you see here is not what you would want, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want right now. I can't be happy for you, I can't live the life you would want me to right now. I'm in a hole and I can't get out. I'm scared to death David, I'm scared because I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live without you. I've done that, I did that...I lived 27 years without you and I did it well. I was happy and strong and full of life. I overcame hardships and became better for it. Life was good...life was great. Then came you.
You showed me all I had been missing. You loved me more deeply than I ever thought was possible. You made me happier than I have ever been in all my life. You made me want for more and crave it all. We were so excited about our future and the plans we were making. The moments of our life together were filled with love and lessons and new traditions. This was it, this was our bliss...what we had longed for our whole lives and never found. But then we did, in each other and it was so great...lumps and bumps and all. It was ours and I loved it...I loved you.
So you see, I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to live a new life, make new memories...nothing. I want to be with you. I just want to be with you David.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
A Dream
This morning I dreamt of you...second time ever and first time that you were a main character.
The tone of the dream seemed rushed. I was frantically walking all over the place looking for something and you were helping me I guess. I know you were dead, yet I could see you with me. I could touch you and kiss you and talk to you.
At one point I was standing among some people outside an old abandoned hospital and a woman said we're going to turn it into an apartment building, I remember saying 'wow, that's gonna be a shitload of apartments'. Writing this now I am thinking that the hospital is the last place all of us last saw our loved ones and now it is like a ghost town and being turned into apartments for all of us to live in. Strange.
We were walking with a group down a road, I think we were looking for Evelyn because I remember telling the people that it wasn't only you I watched disappear but Evelyn too, and stopped to go into a store, you held the door open for us and I noticed you were wearing your Vans but there was a hole in the right one and your toe was poking through, you weren't wearing socks. That wasn't like you at all. Inside you were showing me something on a laptop, I remember seeing your hand, your finger touched a spot on the laptop screen and I realized you were teaching me something and I was amazed that I was still learning things from you even though you were dead. I felt so much crushing and overwhelming love for you.
Sometimes you were with me, and sometimes you weren't. I was so messed up because I knew you were dead but I could still see you. I was in the building that was being converted into apartments and there was a woman in one of the rooms, I think she had lost her son, I think we had been searching for him too now that I write this. I told her I lost someone too, two someones to be exact...she said she could tell because I was so miserable and sad and my pain was written all over my face. I asked her if she could tell when sometimes I was kind of okay. She said yes. I told her that was because it was then that you were with me and I could see you and talk to you and touch you. It was all wrong though...I was still heartbroken because you were dead.
Just as I'm writing this, trying to figure out what it all means...I am remembering that last night I was thinking about how I miss our time together so desperately. That I have sat on this couch and eaten dinner by myself most every night for seven months. How much I loved to massage your hands and feet at night. How freaking lonely I am and that I have moved into such a deep dark place of sadness. How long it has been since I have any big sign from you. How I was thinking to myself that all I really want is to be with you.
I guess not understanding what the dream meant isn't the important part...what is important is that I recognize parts of my real life inside the dream. I guess that means you are with me and you can hear my thoughts...and that is pretty extraordinary.
Thank you David. Thank you for coming to me when I'm needing you most. I'm not doing well and knowing you are here helping me as best you can means a lot to me. I miss you so very much love...so very much.
The tone of the dream seemed rushed. I was frantically walking all over the place looking for something and you were helping me I guess. I know you were dead, yet I could see you with me. I could touch you and kiss you and talk to you.
At one point I was standing among some people outside an old abandoned hospital and a woman said we're going to turn it into an apartment building, I remember saying 'wow, that's gonna be a shitload of apartments'. Writing this now I am thinking that the hospital is the last place all of us last saw our loved ones and now it is like a ghost town and being turned into apartments for all of us to live in. Strange.
We were walking with a group down a road, I think we were looking for Evelyn because I remember telling the people that it wasn't only you I watched disappear but Evelyn too, and stopped to go into a store, you held the door open for us and I noticed you were wearing your Vans but there was a hole in the right one and your toe was poking through, you weren't wearing socks. That wasn't like you at all. Inside you were showing me something on a laptop, I remember seeing your hand, your finger touched a spot on the laptop screen and I realized you were teaching me something and I was amazed that I was still learning things from you even though you were dead. I felt so much crushing and overwhelming love for you.
Sometimes you were with me, and sometimes you weren't. I was so messed up because I knew you were dead but I could still see you. I was in the building that was being converted into apartments and there was a woman in one of the rooms, I think she had lost her son, I think we had been searching for him too now that I write this. I told her I lost someone too, two someones to be exact...she said she could tell because I was so miserable and sad and my pain was written all over my face. I asked her if she could tell when sometimes I was kind of okay. She said yes. I told her that was because it was then that you were with me and I could see you and talk to you and touch you. It was all wrong though...I was still heartbroken because you were dead.
Just as I'm writing this, trying to figure out what it all means...I am remembering that last night I was thinking about how I miss our time together so desperately. That I have sat on this couch and eaten dinner by myself most every night for seven months. How much I loved to massage your hands and feet at night. How freaking lonely I am and that I have moved into such a deep dark place of sadness. How long it has been since I have any big sign from you. How I was thinking to myself that all I really want is to be with you.
I guess not understanding what the dream meant isn't the important part...what is important is that I recognize parts of my real life inside the dream. I guess that means you are with me and you can hear my thoughts...and that is pretty extraordinary.
Thank you David. Thank you for coming to me when I'm needing you most. I'm not doing well and knowing you are here helping me as best you can means a lot to me. I miss you so very much love...so very much.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
A heavy heart
It's a Saturday morning...GiGi is at work and I am sitting on the couch wondering what the hell has happened in my life.
I have a steaming cup of Salted Caramel coffee at hand and my laptop on me knees and I'm looking through the many job boards I have on my desktop...I'm coming to realize I'm not qualified for much. I am not a nurse, I am not a physician, a social worker or a teacher. Nor am I a truck driver...the boards are loaded with opportunities for these fields, but not much else.
I saw some listings for Fall River, so then in my head I was hearing how you used to say it and then I am crying...crying for you David. Asking what happened and where are you. I know this is real, I know you are gone and won't be walking through the door ever again, but my heart is really struggling with accepting it all.
I can't stop seeing you that day babe...the last moments of your life are burned into my eyes and my brain and it's tearing me apart each and every day. Don't get me wrong, I've traveled far but that doesn't mean what people think it does. It only means I have learned how to walk these many many miles carrying tons of hurt and pain. The alternative I guess would have been to lay there and let it bury me. Well, I didn't do that. I got up and figured out how to put one foot in front of the other with the weight of the world on my back. It's so damn hard and so damn exhausting. Many days I don't think I can do it for one more freaking second, the thought of doing this forever is so overwhelming and that in itself wants to bring me to my knees.
The mask I wear... the smile you see, the steps I take, it's not genuine. This grief threads itself through every aspect of my life and right now my life is just about going through the motions of getting through the day. I have to remind myself to breath all the time, something I never paid attention to before...now it's all I can think of. Everything is a huge and tremendous effort. I'm afraid all the time. How do I return to my life, clean the house, cook the meals, pay the bills, make the decisions, help the kids...it all feels like the most torturous task ever.
I have never been afraid of being alone, I had my life in good working order...A home, a small but steady income, family...now everything is upside down and it's very frightening. Now everything is just so very upside down...
Well, I guess that was my boo hoo session for today. I'm sorry to burden you with it all but it's your job...you have to listen to me and you have to love me no matter what, right?!? Please send me strength to continue babe, I seem to need it now more than ever. What I thought would get easier only gets harder.
I love love love you - Me
I have a steaming cup of Salted Caramel coffee at hand and my laptop on me knees and I'm looking through the many job boards I have on my desktop...I'm coming to realize I'm not qualified for much. I am not a nurse, I am not a physician, a social worker or a teacher. Nor am I a truck driver...the boards are loaded with opportunities for these fields, but not much else.
I saw some listings for Fall River, so then in my head I was hearing how you used to say it and then I am crying...crying for you David. Asking what happened and where are you. I know this is real, I know you are gone and won't be walking through the door ever again, but my heart is really struggling with accepting it all.
I can't stop seeing you that day babe...the last moments of your life are burned into my eyes and my brain and it's tearing me apart each and every day. Don't get me wrong, I've traveled far but that doesn't mean what people think it does. It only means I have learned how to walk these many many miles carrying tons of hurt and pain. The alternative I guess would have been to lay there and let it bury me. Well, I didn't do that. I got up and figured out how to put one foot in front of the other with the weight of the world on my back. It's so damn hard and so damn exhausting. Many days I don't think I can do it for one more freaking second, the thought of doing this forever is so overwhelming and that in itself wants to bring me to my knees.
The mask I wear... the smile you see, the steps I take, it's not genuine. This grief threads itself through every aspect of my life and right now my life is just about going through the motions of getting through the day. I have to remind myself to breath all the time, something I never paid attention to before...now it's all I can think of. Everything is a huge and tremendous effort. I'm afraid all the time. How do I return to my life, clean the house, cook the meals, pay the bills, make the decisions, help the kids...it all feels like the most torturous task ever.
I have never been afraid of being alone, I had my life in good working order...A home, a small but steady income, family...now everything is upside down and it's very frightening. Now everything is just so very upside down...
Well, I guess that was my boo hoo session for today. I'm sorry to burden you with it all but it's your job...you have to listen to me and you have to love me no matter what, right?!? Please send me strength to continue babe, I seem to need it now more than ever. What I thought would get easier only gets harder.
I love love love you - Me
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Seven
I've been on this seven month journey.
A journey where each minute lasts a lifetime.
A journey where you should have been walking with me.
A journey where every step hurts for the sharp edges of my broken heart.
A journey where at the start...I died. I died but didn't leave.
You left. Evelyn left. I stayed.
I've looked for your hand to hold,
I've listened for your voice to guide me.
I've searched for your face everywhere I go.
I have not found you and oh how I've looked, how I've prayed.
I died...but did not leave.
I've been on this seven month journey.
Where I am so desperately in love with a dead man...that is something hard to reconcile.
I have had to learn how to live with this new rhythm of my heart, it no longer beats as it once did.
My eyes see different. The horror is still burned on them, I struggle with that often, but I've learned how to shake my way back to light.
My eyes see different...they now see for two.
I am moving, I am crawling my way up and out, I am walking forward.
I look backwards as much as forwards...looking for you? Seeing how far I've gone?
I'm not sure, it's all so distorted. Each step is shrouded in pain and fear and confusion.
I know a lot has happened since you've been gone, I know I've traveled a long way.
I know this in my head...by the page on the calendar... by the chill in the air.
My heart has trouble accepting it's new reality...it's new forever.
My heart has trouble beating without you David.
It wrestles with accepting new hopes, new dreams, new memories and new joys...but accept it must, and accept it will...some day.
I've been on this seven month journey, where each minute lasts a lifetime. I am ready for what comes next.
I love you still, and I miss you always.
XOXO - your girl.
A journey where each minute lasts a lifetime.
A journey where you should have been walking with me.
A journey where every step hurts for the sharp edges of my broken heart.
A journey where at the start...I died. I died but didn't leave.
You left. Evelyn left. I stayed.
I've looked for your hand to hold,
I've listened for your voice to guide me.
I've searched for your face everywhere I go.
I have not found you and oh how I've looked, how I've prayed.
I died...but did not leave.
I've been on this seven month journey.
Where I am so desperately in love with a dead man...that is something hard to reconcile.
I have had to learn how to live with this new rhythm of my heart, it no longer beats as it once did.
My eyes see different. The horror is still burned on them, I struggle with that often, but I've learned how to shake my way back to light.
My eyes see different...they now see for two.
I am moving, I am crawling my way up and out, I am walking forward.
I look backwards as much as forwards...looking for you? Seeing how far I've gone?
I'm not sure, it's all so distorted. Each step is shrouded in pain and fear and confusion.
I know a lot has happened since you've been gone, I know I've traveled a long way.
I know this in my head...by the page on the calendar... by the chill in the air.
My heart has trouble accepting it's new reality...it's new forever.
My heart has trouble beating without you David.
It wrestles with accepting new hopes, new dreams, new memories and new joys...but accept it must, and accept it will...some day.
I've been on this seven month journey, where each minute lasts a lifetime. I am ready for what comes next.
I love you still, and I miss you always.
XOXO - your girl.
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