Kate

A year ago all of us were off doing our own thing for Cinco De Mayo. 

Kristen was at some function where she had turned her phone off.  Laurel was doing I don't know what.  Kirk was at work.  And you...You were home with the boys and your mother in law making food and preparing to cook on the grill...you had just finished your first Margarita. 

I of course was sitting in a police station soaked with sea water, freezing and in severe shock.  I was waiting...waiting for the word, and when it finally came it was the worst it could be.

"Do you have anyone you can call, any family?" the officer sitting with me asked.

I couldn't think, I didn't know what to do, what to say, and I was shivering so ferociously, I couldn't work my phone.  The officer sitting with me took it from my hands and I said "call Kristen".  

No answer.

I said "call Kate", and he handed me the phone while it was ringing.  Poor Kate, you answered the phone.  Poor Kate.  I don't remember anything said...not one single word.  I think I gave the phone to the officer and he talked to you.  All I know is you answered and you came.  You came for me.

The phone call that would change your world forever.  That drive...two plus hours...how surreal that must have been.  How excruciating.  Poor Kate.

What happened after you finally made it, the walk we walked, what we saw.  Oh my poor Kate. You came for me.  I don't really remember seeing you, seeing your face but I know you were beside me the whole time.  You gave me your chapstick.  Cherry Chapstick.

That day we both saw so much, lost so much...and we broke into a million little pieces. Together.

There are no words for what that day was, no word means enough.  But what I do know is from it a friendship that means everything to me grew big and strong.  I know you were in shock and great pain yourself yet you hid it so you could do for me.  We have a bond born from that shared experience in the hospital for which I am so thankful.

I remember you sitting on my couch some weeks later and you said "well, one good thing has come out of this experience", and when I asked what you answered "us".  I knew you were right but I couldn't fully appreciate it at that point, I was too consumed.  Now though, I couldn't agree more.

You came running when I needed someone most, you kept your composure and your pain to yourself in order to take care of me.  You picked me up and carried me through the toughest of times and I love you so much for it.  I am grateful for you and I appreciate what you did for me.  I know that David is so very thankful that you stepped into a role no one would want, and I know that Evelyn is smiling down at you saying "that's our Kate".  

One year is just days away.  It has been such a hard year for me, for you, for all of us but one good thing came out of this experience...I got you!

I love you my Kateness.

Tree of Life

Picture your life...your home, your work,  your things, your friends, your family, your marriage, your children, etc.  

Now picture your life as a tree.  Each branch representing that whole life...each leaf representing all the shared moments with all those people, all those things.  Each leaf being the connections you have that tie your whole world together, they tell the story of your existence, of your hopes and of your dreams.  Of your past, your present and your future.  They speak of the secrets you have shared with no one other than your One.  They are the meaning of your life.

Now picture this tree being put through a chipper while you watch all the little tiny pieces fly all around, landing with no rhyme or reason.  No special care for this as your life, your loves, your whole world. And when the dust settles you are numb, out of body, bereft...and now you are told you must gather all those little teeny tiny pieces and you must put them all back together as they were, you will do this without direction, and alone,  because the one who was your glue turned to dust.  You must do this now, you must start immediately, you must toil through your pain and tears and screams, you must do this for everyone's sake because they are watching and waiting.

...this is the story of my life, this is the story of my tree.  It is the story of my days, my nights, and my every minute.  It is painstaking work performed by hands that are all thumbs and just when I feel I have gathered some pieces and can begin to put them together the wind will blow and scatter everything putting me back to the beginning.  I trip and I fall and I wail from the sheer exhaustion of the task ahead of me.  But I get up and I try again.  How I put this tree back together will be my legacy.  It is so very important that I get this right.  It is daunting to say the least but I know that all who matter most are watching and waiting.  This I must not fail to do.

It's The Dark Side for Me

Yesterday I awoke on the side of darkness, a place so void of light and hope and peace.  I lived alone in that space for all the hours of one day.  I fought and I clawed to try and get out but never seemed to manage it.  Defeated I could do nothing but ride out the wave and go wherever it would take me.  It was excruciating, it was intense and it was exhausting.  

Every day I see and hear my husband drowning.  Every day I see my friend floating out to sea.  I duck and bob and weave my way in and around these images day in and day out.  This day though I could not avoid...it was as though I was being held in place and forced to watch and watch and watch.  It brought me to my knees and the darkness swallowed me alive.

All the months that have passed and I still don't believe this is real, I still don't know how to process what has happened.  It was too fast, there was no warning and the white took you both. The love of my life and a dear sweet friend.  How could that be?  

I see it every day, how can I get well with the horror chasing me?  My only escape is sleep, when I sleep I am free.  I see no horror, I hear no screams, I dream no dreams.  I am able to go unconscious, find peace and gain strength to do it all again tomorrow.

Tomorrow I shall hope that the sun will shine for me.

Mr. C

The alarm went off at 6:30 and when I opened my eyes I was humming the song 'Just When I Needed You Most'.  I have no idea where that came from, don't think I have heard it in 30 years. I know it was from my dream which left me the minute my eyes opened but I was still singing it.

I climbed out of bed and for some reason pulled back the curtains and opened the blinds in our bedroom...something I have not really done since you left.  And there looking directly into the window at me was one lone beautiful bright red Cardinal, your bird, you called him Mr. C.  

Hi Baby.