I am feeling so lost inside...I don't know which way to turn. My mind is on overload and my heart is shattered in a million little pieces. This experience is...well not even my worst nightmare...I don't think I could have even thought of this to be a nightmare, I will call it my worst life-mare. Never thought to think it, but here it is anyway.
I feel like...On Sunday May 5th the love of my life and one of my very best friends and I walked miles into nowhere, no people, no houses, no help. We talked, we laughed and we looked around at the wonder of it all...we made plans for the future. We had such a great time outdoors, where the three of us liked to be the most...outdoors.
I feel like...then someone decided we didn't deserve to be there, laughing, loving, planning. Like maybe it was the most private of property and now we would pay for trespassing. In an instant I was left clinging to a wet rock wall by my fingers and toes while I watched my love be beaten and battered, and my friend be carried off by the white hands of a water monster...I watched as those hands turned and came back for me. I was soaked to the bone with freezing cold water but I hung on, I kept trying to reach out to my love...then I heard it, I heard a strong and demanding and loud voice say 'get out now!' In that instant I looked at the white hands beating my husband and I turned and climbed back out...at the top I looked back in and for the last time saw my husband get swallowed up by the white.
It was done. It was over. I was left behind alone. I feel like...I was brought to this place, almost died, watched my friends die, and now had to find my way back from the middle of nowhere by myself. It's like the worst game of hide and seek ever...where you can't find anyone, even yourself. You keep yelling 'ok guys, this isn't funny anymore, come out, come out wherever you are'. They never come out and you realize it's getting dark and you need to find your way home but you don't know the way back from the middle of nowhere. It's some freaking test I guess, some stupid game that someone decided I'm supposed to participate in...why, I do not know. All I do know is... I'm still very lost, I'm still in the middle of nowhere and I can't find my way back...I don't know how to find my way back home. I still see the white, I still hear the white, I can even still smell the white. I still see miles and miles of nothing but rocks and water, I still see me on the rocks with my arms in the air turning in circles screaming for help. I still see that there is no one around to hear me. I still see my friend yards out in the water, she's not moving, she's not yelling, she's not doing anything. I thought she was safe...now I know better. I still see that last hand of white stealing my husband from me and I still see that white reaching back for me...it slammed me hard but it didn't take me. I still see that I have miles to run and fall in search of help, I still see that I have to leave the last spot at which I saw my husband and friend...I still see that I am alone and it is up to me to find another human being and tell them what just happened. I have to leave that spot and go find help which I know will not help at all. I left that spot, but not really...I feel like I am still sitting there, waiting, listening and watching for my friends. I can see me with my knees bent up and my arms wrapped around them, rocking back and forth...I am waiting for the white to give me back what is mine, I am waiting for the game to be over, I am waiting for my friends in the last place they saw me. I am just waiting alone.
That is what I feel like...very, forever, lost.
