I cry

It astonishes me how quick I am to cry, how a simple thought can instantly seize my heart and bring it to unbearable pain. Why not take it to a place of happy memories, why does it have to be only to pain?  

Because I speak of crying so often..."I saw this saying, and I cried...I saw this commercial and I cried...", I think people believe that I sit around all day dwelling on the unfortunate events in my life.  That couldn't be further from the truth though...I do everything in my power to NOT think about it.  I try so hard to find the positive, remember the good times, smile through the hurt. But...this grief thing just doesn't work like that. Not for me it doesn't. 

I was driving home from the gym and an older model (antique) car passed and I thought to myself David would love that.  That's all, short, sweet, simple, right?!?  Not for me.  I think it and instantly I hear very loud waves crashing and have a vision of being under water with bubbles rising in front of my face.  Wait...what?  WTF is that, where did that even come from? I frantically shake my head to dislodge the sounds and images but the mood is ruined and tears are flooding my lap.  Again.

It happens ALL the time.  All. The. Time.  It's crazy and scary and exhausting. 

Hi

Hi.

That's all it said. One single word. One single text.

Hi.

My eyes saw so much more than that one little word.  My eyes, connected to my heart, saw a million words unsaid. Tears un-shed. Questions not answered. There are no answers...

My eyes saw 'Help Me!', they saw 'What the fuck?', they saw 'No, please no". 

My eyes saw your boy, our boy, reaching out his hand for help. I saw it, I felt it, because it is something I live with every day.  My entire body screams those words...every. damn. day.  

Help Me! Help does not come.

The message came at 8:43 at night.  I saw it at 10:36, so very many minutes too late. Long, lonely, desperate minutes that boy sat without a response from me.  When my eyes saw that one word, Hi, all I could hear was the shatter of broken glass, my broken heart, shatter some more.  Our boy needed someone and I missed it.  I responded then...he did not. The moment had passed I guess.  I can picture him with head hanging down turning back to life. Help did not come.  Once again I could not help. 

I laid in bed with my phone in my hand until 1 a.m....just in case, then I put it on my nightstand and stared at it for another hour or so...just in case.  And then I woke up and with head hanging down I turned back to life...to one more day.

Hi was all it said but I saw so much more.

Your boy needs you love he needs you big. PLEASE help him.  PLEASE help him.  He needs his Dad.

Where have I been?

When I'm at my worst I can't write, I have no words.  Not a one.

The only thing to say is I am broken...so very broken.  But who cares, who wants to read that. Really.  If I don't even want to say it anymore, then who would even want to know it.  So noone knows. Noone really knows anything about me.

I am drowning in the visions, but I can't say that really.  I mean come on, after everything, can I say that?  God, who the F cares what I say right?!?

I am so way the freak more messed up than I can say and I don't know how to move on from it. I don't even know how to speak of it, I wouldn't know what to say. I don't think we are given the tools to really really show our true selves. It's all so damn fake, the smiles, the conversations, the goings on...we pretend magnificently!!! What are we afraid of?  Do we fear we will get blood on the carpet? That our raw will attract flies? Hmm, I just don't know.

Maybe it is for fear of being judged.  Fear of seeing that 'look' on another's face. Maybe it is fear of the platitudes or the misguided advice. Maybe it is that you will bleed all over the carpet and still the world will keep spinning.  That you will hear that infamous pin drop right before your friend says "Well, anyone for more wine?"  I mean what else could be said under the circumstances?  It just seems that once I stand up and unzip my facade and step outside it, speak the ugly truth (the only truth) there should be some monumental chain reaction that follows. Earth stops, everything slides off it into nothingness.  The End.

My life is far to heavy for me to carry, it's too hard and I do not want to do it any more. All the time I have thoughts that I am done now, my time has come, it is over for me...there is no point. I just can't find the time to leave, which is hysterical considering all of the free time I do have. Really. freaking. hysterical.

I'm not laughing.

So where have I been?  I've been right here where you left me, alone, 163 out of 168 hours a week.  

I'm not laughing.