I hope you are well

Someone said to me...I hope you are well.

If being honest, I don't know how to answer that.

I've read books, I've read posts from other widows, I've read memes, where positivity reigns and higher powers carry you through the fire. The warmth of the sun lifts your spirits and memories heal your heart.

Well, I can't seem to catch the magic. Memories barely make me smile, right before I feel a rip inside my chest. Music makes my spirit soar just before it spirals down and crashes back into me and takes my breath away. The sun lights my world right before my skin turns cold and reminds me I am alone in this world, alone with my feelings, alone with my thoughts...alone with my longing for you.  Oh how I long for you, Lord have mercy.

I can't get past the want, the missing, the longing for you. For everything about you, for everything about us. I miss the other half of my memories, the other half that makes a whole thought...that makes sense. David, I miss you loving me. I miss the way your love made me feel. I miss that me so very badly. God how I miss that girl.

So, maybe I don't have the words to say how I am.

But you...well, I hope you are well, even if I'm not. xoxo

The Yearning is Killing Me

“Life will break you.

Nobody can protect you from that,

and living alone won’t either,

for solitude will also break you with its yearning.

You have to love.

You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth.

You are here to risk your heart.

You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken,

or betrayed, or left, or hurt,

or death brushes near,

let yourself sit by an apple tree

and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps,

wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

― Louise Erdrich