Another calendar to take down, one in which you did not live. Another number away from the one you left from.
I spent 2014 trying to make the world stop spinning but it never did. I trudged my way through the fog of what was left of 2013 like a slug moving through molasses, only to fall into 2014 feeling like I had the worst bed spins known to man. I tried putting one foot on the floor to make it stop, but it just never did. The fog had lifted giving me a clear view of what was ahead and it was then the pain I thought I had known tripled in size. This clarity was like being struck by lightning all those months before but not feeling, really feeling, the pain until now.
I don't know how I got here, the beginning of 2015, I think I am missing great bunches of time. It is the strangest thing to me that a year full of days have ended yet I feel as though I am tied to the beginning. I have never known the passing of time to be this way, or maybe that isn't it. Maybe it is just me, obviously. Something is very very wrong with me. I mean, here I am saying how fast time has moved forward, at the same time I'm saying I have not. See, I can't even get that right. Just wow.
I hear so often, "Life is what you make it". I've always been a happy positive person, a glass half full kind of girl. And I'm trying still to be that, I am. I sing and I dance, I laugh and I smile. I say hello to everyone and do random acts of kindness. I gather with friends and feel moments of joy. I collect all those moments as fast and as often as I can but they won't stick. I don't seem to connect emotionally to any of my joy. I feel it then it's gone, lickity split. My heart has been ripped and torn apart, now nothing will stay inside. So tell me, what life do I make with that? How do I make that glass half full when there is no bottom to the glass? Hmm?
So this is how it is, jumping into a new calendar, the fog is gone, the world still spins most days and the searing pain follows me everywhere. I don't know what this year will bring exactly, but I know some big things are ahead. GiGi will graduate in June and, God willing, start college in September. For me, well, I'll still be here searching. Searching for answers, searching for joy, searching for you. Searching for peace within my soul.
I love you David. I will always love you. I hope that you are well, and that you have found the peace in your soul that you could not find here. Be near me baby...I need you to be near me.
Welcome to 2015!
Like you said, “A year full of days has ended yet I am tied to the beginning”…….. Me too. “I get up everyday and nothing much seems to have changed. Every moment is still filled with the thought of my beloved, Greg. It colors every aspect of how I view the day. Because I have no real resolution or acceptance of his death, because my brain refuses to want to live without him I end up back where I started. I have spent almost two years now trying to make my brain think differently.
ReplyDelete“I've always been a happy positive person, a glass half full kind of girl.” Me too. I’m suppposed to want to enjoy the beauty of nature, the concern of friends, the satisfaction of a job well done. It’s just that before I was able to do all that because I had 35 years of seeing myself reflected through the love in his eyes. Everything I did and saw was passed through that lens before it got to me. Without that prism I see it all as pretty banal. “I don't seem to connect emotionally to any of my joy. How do I make that glass half full when there is no bottom to the glass?” I can’t and don’t, I just don’t know how.
So like you said, I and many others are searching. We’d like an answer as to how we are supposed to do this in the dimension death of our beloved has placed us in. Knowing full well there are no answers for this. I have to be able to transport myself down to the smallest of nuclei where he now exists. In that field of pure conscious energy where large is non existent but vibration is all.
And in the end pleading, pleading for some kind of help in getting there.
To walk this earth enveloped by the soul of another for 35 years, and to give of yourself freely to that soul is a remarkable feat. What a journey you have been on. To know that you now walk with only your shadow by your side is heartbreaking. Of course you would view each day differently, how could you not.
ReplyDeleteI am so taken aback by how profoundly the dna of those left behind changes in the blink of an eye. Nothing is the same. I don't know about you but I have found that things even taste and smell different now...maybe it's age, I don't know. I just turned 48, is it too soon to be falling apart? LOL
All we can really do is try to hang on to the pieces of who we are now. We need to live in a way that honors the loves that have left the physical. I read this today and it struck me for some reason, maybe it will you too.
"The test of our love was not when we were together. It's now, while we're apart, knowing that despite this distance between us...our love is still alive."
Peace to you. I'm glad you came back.
How hard this is Kristen. How hauntingly hard. Profoundly life changing, yes.
ReplyDeleteHaving studied physics now since he left me I keep trying to make sense of why I have such a connection to his energy and the inability to bring myself to a place where I might do more than exist. Is it only because our brain hardwires us to the visceral reality and its impossible to rewire or is there just some fundamental vibration which is the universe expressing itself through us rather than us expressing ourselves and pretending we create the universe. Whichever it is I am tested daily to find explanations as to why this is all so hard. I need to keep trying harder to believe that our love is still alive. In my better moments I pretend its true but deep down inside without the comfort of his body beside me I am broken.
I have found your blog, Widows Voices ( which I see you comment on) and Merry Widow from the UK as my lifelines. I've got two marker days coming up in the next two weeks, my birthday and the day he died on January 21st. The tears are coming in rivers since before Xmas. Will my body continue to withstand the stress? I don't know but I must say I am prepared. For what? For anything except living without him. In my head I know all the reasons why I "should" look at this differently but my heart takes me to a whole other planet. All I seem to do is wish and hope for some quicker resolution because I keep failing the test……..
Thanks and I wish you some peace too…….