I Had A Dream and Another and Another

I had a dream the other night.  You were there.  To be honest it wasn't really a dream, it was a blip on the screen.

I awoke with this in my eyes...I walked from outside the screen past a park bench, which you were sitting on.  The overwhelming feeling...hurt, anger, betrayal. As I walked by this bench, you, I turned to look at you with disgust in my eyes and continued walking towards a small wooden footbridge.  That is it.  Nothing else.  I woke up...game over!  WTF

The next day while working on my laptop I got a pop up message about my Yahoo IM.  To be honest, I haven't been on my Yahoo instant message screen since 2012. I forgot about it. Anyway, this pop up gave directions to see past/saved message threads. I ignored it.

The next day I got another pop up about this damn IM archive system. WTH...3 years.  Three years since I've used this way of talking with someone. Now I can't seem to get rid of this stupid pop up message.

The next night I got the pop message again and this time I followed the directions and waited. What I saw on the screen took my breath away.  The only thread on this thing was from you and I.  So I closed out of it. Nope, not going there...can't immerse myself in a conversation with you that I can't have anymore.  UGH!  Why is this all of a sudden coming up? So I went back to watching the season finale of The Voice. All the while though I thinking, just do it, read the posts.  So I did.

It was years worth of posts, I didn't read them all, just the last ones from shortly before you died. We were having an 'issue' and I was posting from Arkansas while you were here in Rhode Island. It was hard going back to that time feeling it, hearing your voice in my head as I read. The more I read the more I wondered why the universe had put energy into bringing me here (the dream, the pop ups) why am I supposed to be reliving this mess we were in, why now after all this time? And as I'm reading I hear "Is it too late for me to say I'm sorry?" WHAT!?! Justin Bieber was performing on the Voice and that was the opening line of his song. Huh. As much as it all seemed to 'connect', to be a sign, I don't know why, if it is, the feeling of the dream was anger and disgust.  Why not love, understanding, forgiveness, I'm sorry! So, I'm not sure what to make of it all.

Then a few nights later, another dream. Okay, now this is getting too weird. I NEVER dream of you, not at all. Now, 3 in two weeks. Enough already!!! What are you trying to tell me, I don't understand what you are trying to say babe...and this dream, IT SUCKED!!!

The setting is a beach, but I see a chain link fence too, so it's strange. I don't see me, the setting all takes place through my eyes. I see you and I know there is another person on the sidelines, a girl. The dream kind of picks up with me trying desperately to get you to understand what I am telling you, what my point of view is, I'm trying to tell you that you told me I was the greatest love of your life and that when you lost me the first time you spent the next 27 years trying to find me and once you had you were not going to waste one minute without me and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me I was saying this to you over and over again like I was trying to jog your memory. I was on one side of the chain link fence and you were on the other and off in the distance I could see this woman looking off at the ocean. You were just looking at me through the fence not saying anything but the gist of the feeling was that you were leaving me and going off with her and I was so mad that you didn't seem to get that the words I was saying to you were your words to me when you proposed to me. Then I woke up...feeling battered and bruised and completely defeated. What does it all mean, why is this happening, why am I dreaming this stuff?

And right up to the moment my fingers hit the keys to type that last paragraph the dreams had all been/felt of you cheating on me and leaving me for another woman. But as the words appeared on the screen it hit me that you did leave me, with another woman, and to the sea.  You left and Evelyn left and the ocean took you and I am stuck here, I can't get to you, I can't help you see to live.  I still don't understand the point of this, I know all this, why did I need to see it play out and be reminded again.

I'm sorry, but you are going to need to be much more clear in your messages because obviously I am clueless to what you are telling me.

This hole that I feel

Since our day on that rock I have been in a perpetual state of 'lost and overwhelm'.  I mean I know where I am, which is nowhere, but really I'm just going in circles here.

It seems my life 'after' has revolved around a hole. Weird right? Yeah. But, it's true. When you didn't ever wake up there was just this space, this big HUGE empty space left in my world.  Picture the deepest hole where once, you had stood. Do you see it?  Well, I woke up in that hole, and spent hours and hours, days, and months trying with everything I had in me to climb out of it. It was exhausting, disorienting, overwhelming and excruciatingly slow. Sometimes I would almost make it to where I could see light but got yanked back down time and time again. The only thing to do was get up and try again, so...I did. And I did and I did and I did.

I'm not sure when I climbed out, but I think I did.  At least, and I don't want to say this too loud in case I get pulled back down (I'm having enough trouble with up, I don't think I can handle down again) but I don't feel I am in a constant climb anymore.  Nope, now it's more like a circle the rim kind of feeling. I seem to hover just at the edge of dark and light with 'one false move' just laying in wait to push me in.

It's all just so fucked up. I mean what the hell is this crap, this living after loss shit. A manual comes with EVERYTHING...how to strike a match, how to use your blender, how to set up your phone etc, etc, etc.  But death and how to do it...nope!  And I know there are mountains of books out there, I've read many, but really, and I mean this in the sincerest way possible...THEY SUCK!  All the words, all the best advice, all my best intentions to do it 'right' mean nothing. When it hits you, you are no longer in control. No matter how well you want to do this thing...tough.  You will do it however 'it' says you will do it.

So yeah, I think I made it out just so I can circle around it. Yippee!  And let me just say...walking this path with a full set of tears ALWAYS at the ready is harder than you might think.  It's like trying to drive in a rainstorm without ever using the wipers. You can't see shit and you know the edge is near and you must stay away from it and the stress and pain and overwhelm is all just too, too much. 

Dear God it's just too much.  All I want to do is open my eyes and walk across the room in a straight line towards normal rather than shuffling through a minefield with tears hanging on my eyelids.  It's no kind of life...