Graduation Day...June 14, 2014

Oh how I wish you were here, it is such a huge day down here and you should have been here to reap the rewards.

Today your first born graduated High School.  He did it, God bless him, he really did it.

Did you see him babe?  Were you there?  Did you watch as his name was called and he walked so proud across the stage to receive that diploma?  I hope you did, I hope you saw it all and that you reveled in the joy of it.  

Ouch

I am so totally and completely heartbroken.

Summer is here, right?!?

Well, I believe after Memorial Day we are officially into the start of summer.  The days are holding at mid sixties to mid seventies and the nights have gone down to mid forties but other than that it's just a feeling you get.  The subtle change that comes over the land.  You watch each day as colors get brighter, birds speak louder, even traffic steps it up a notch.  Slowly doors open and heads peek out looking to see if it's safe to come out, safe to leave the comfort and warmth of the place they hid in after such a LONG and WHITE winter.

I've taken to sitting on our porch again, only it just isn't the same alone.  I think I'm so tough and brave for doing it though so there is that.  LOL

I've been sort of but kind of not planning our return trip to Arkansas.  I mean, I know it is coming, I know we will be leaving here for there, but at the same time I'm dreading it.  Stepping out of the drama I've grown accustomed to and into the drama I've become unaccustomed to.  But go we must and go we will.

I haven't seen my family in a year.  It was only two months in that I was with them last, I was in shock and numb then.  They do not know me now.  They do not know how I am.  It will be a 'high alert' three weeks for me.  I do not want to frighten them with the sudden and without warning 'falls' that I have.  They will be expecting to see the me they have always known, they are oblivious to the fact that she no longer exists.  This should be a lot of fun.  HeHe...Ugh.

For the only reason that is important I will do this...my precious boy.  The child that did not ask for any of this.  He is so good and so brave and so loving that I feel my heart crack just thinking of him.  I will do whatever it takes for him and I will be happy for it.  

So I will gather my thoughts, and gather my belongings and head to the Ozark Mountains, to a place that you loved so much, a place you dreamed of living one day.  Not sure if you noticed, but I did every little thing in as subtle a way as possible to deter you from that dream LOL, I lived there already, once, and wasn't really wanting to do it again any time soon.  

You will be with me, with us, as you should be.  Have no fear.

Yes, summer is here again, summer number 2 without you...What a looong strange trip it's been.  Can you hear them singing?