When I'm at my worst I can't write, I have no words. Not a one.
The only thing to say is I am broken...so very broken. But who cares, who wants to read that. Really. If I don't even want to say it anymore, then who would even want to know it. So noone knows. Noone really knows anything about me.
I am drowning in the visions, but I can't say that really. I mean come on, after everything, can I say that? God, who the F cares what I say right?!?
I am so way the freak more messed up than I can say and I don't know how to move on from it. I don't even know how to speak of it, I wouldn't know what to say. I don't think we are given the tools to really really show our true selves. It's all so damn fake, the smiles, the conversations, the goings on...we pretend magnificently!!! What are we afraid of? Do we fear we will get blood on the carpet? That our raw will attract flies? Hmm, I just don't know.
Maybe it is for fear of being judged. Fear of seeing that 'look' on another's face. Maybe it is fear of the platitudes or the misguided advice. Maybe it is that you will bleed all over the carpet and still the world will keep spinning. That you will hear that infamous pin drop right before your friend says "Well, anyone for more wine?" I mean what else could be said under the circumstances? It just seems that once I stand up and unzip my facade and step outside it, speak the ugly truth (the only truth) there should be some monumental chain reaction that follows. Earth stops, everything slides off it into nothingness. The End.
My life is far to heavy for me to carry, it's too hard and I do not want to do it any more. All the time I have thoughts that I am done now, my time has come, it is over for me...there is no point. I just can't find the time to leave, which is hysterical considering all of the free time I do have. Really. freaking. hysterical.
I'm not laughing.
So where have I been? I've been right here where you left me, alone, 163 out of 168 hours a week.
I'm not laughing.
Whoa, I've been wondering where you've been. Now I know. You are occupying the hole right next to me.
ReplyDeleteTonight it is late, 2am. This morning was another one. A bad one. Crying, crying, crying, begging, pleading wondering why. The aloneness is ripping me to shreds. I've been revisiting the exit cocktail online. Went through my phone memory and got to the S's until I found someone I hadn't called recently to cry in their ear. Actually a fellow widow acquaintance. She and I exchanged horrors of this unmitigated disaster that has happened in our lives. No solutions, just an unknowingness of how are we supposed to do this. To have to get to the S’s does not bode well.
I have checked here often hoping to hear, anything. Now I know, I am not alone. This is the worst thing that can ever happen and broken is the the result. I have NO idea how to piece myself back together. Nor I guess do you. We try different things but end up back at square one. I have been getting progressively worse for about the last three weeks. Hitting two years two months I really wanted to think I would handle the void better. No. I'm not handling it at all. I don't hit the brick wall quite as often every day but the hits are so intense I get closer to where I started out. Would I do it? It scares me more than before but I am so worn down I am more defeated by the struggle.
I cant help you, I cant help myself and I know that getting help just incurs judgements, pharmaceuticals and having me fit in. I can’t do it. I can’t pretend. I know my feelings are the most real part of this and they will never change. He’s gone, disappeared, never coming back and yet my feelings are so strong about him as though he is sitting right next to me and we are going to wake up tomorrow and kiss each other before beginning our day like we always did. My feelings are so strong but he isnt here. What am I supposed to do with that?
MrsC
Hello Mrs. C...I've actually missed you. It's been a while since posting or reading the sites I frequent for strength.
DeleteYesterday was the 5 year anniversary of the date my husband proposed to me and I came here and read 'The Proposal' over again. It didn't make me feel better but not worse either, so that is a good thing. Numb is a better place to be sometimes.
I apologize to you who have read this most recent post. I'm not sure why except that I feel I should so...I'm sorry. I don't like being negative. Maybe that is the reason I don't talk about me and how this entire experience has effected me and the impact it has had on my day to day life. No one would look at me and know that I feel like the walking dead. My go to comment is always "I'm fine". No one pushes further, no one has the tools or the wherewithal to even dare dig deeper. People have their own lives and troubles to contend with and in my case, as we were all one big group, they have to cope with my situation three way. The loss of my husband, the loss of our friend, and me. It's all just too much.
I must say though, very strongly, I will not 'exit' this life before my time. My urge is to run away, leave everything and every one and hide myself away some where until it's all over. I will not do that however, it just isn't practical. lol You shouldn't either, and I can't stress it enough. If you are here today then that is exactly where you are supposed to be regardless of how you may feel about it. I'm glad that you have people to talk with that are in the same boat as you/we are. As of yet I do not, just the blog sites. Your goal needs to be NOT "revisiting the exit cocktail online". I believe your husband would agree with me.
Fortunately and sometimes unfortunately we will get through this or at least get used to walking amid it if not all the way through it. We will Mrs. C. That does not mean we will like it or be thrilled all the time, but with practice comes our own kind of perfection. We have to practice very hard at finding joy in the small things, write them down, place them in a jar and at the end of the year go back and revisit the things that made you feel good. No matter how big or how small (the sun, a bird, a song, clean sheets) write it down if it made you feel good. I started this practice for New Years in order to help me focus on the good and not the ugly. I dare you to try it with me. :-)
Peace to you Mrs C. Let the tears flow, there is no shame, feel what you feel and every new day strive to find the joy.
Kristen
Hi Kristen,
ReplyDeleteI feel like all I am doing is rowing around in circles. I get what you are saying but when I wake up in the morning I lay there and think. I think about what I am going to do that day that I probably promised myself I was going to do yesterday. I think about all the things I should be doing to reconstruct my life that I haven't even touched upon and don't know what to do with. I have become less "productive" than I was during the first year and half and luckily I can be but I don't like myself because of it. The reason (which I thought through this morning ) has a great deal to do with the fact I have been trying to live. I have been doing things to prove to myself and others that I am trying. That as much as the pain has debilitated me I am trying. Pretending about a future. Well, through this mornings thoughts that has become clearer and I now know I've been lying to myself. Just part of the process but now I get it.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to live. I've proven I can do it. I just don't want to. The pain of living without my husband is just too great to keep up this charade. I am now preparing to die. Not in any unnatural sense so no need to worry but I have realized that I now need to tie up my affairs. I don't need to keep trying to get myself involved in stuff to live. I just need to concentrate on extricating myself from the things I have already done because they are enough and will keep me busy. I have certain things that I have not dealt with and are somewhat complicated and I don't want to have them be open-ended and leave for someone else to have to deal with when I do pass. So instead of distracting myself trying to live I need to apply the energy which is minimal to final preparations. If I get to the point where those are accomplished I can assess how I feel at that point.
Up until now I was under the delusion that somewhere somehow along the line this pain would subside enough and I could fill the void enough to see a bit of light in the sky. I can't. I just miss him too much. I have done what you suggested about small things, like clean sheets. I used to love putting fresh new clean laundered sheets on the bed for us. Often. Now I do it and I remember how much I loved it before but it is nothing to me now other than a chore. Stuff like that I try but I am tired.
I was never a glass half empty kind of person. Those who knew me just find it very difficult to deal with my changes. Hell, I find it difficult. But I realize how tied I was to my husband. For his advice, his nurturing, his approval, his manliness, his creativity, his unwavering love for me and so much more. And I returned it all in kind and this separation has destroyed me.
I believe some people don't go through this kind of pain when what they called love dies. Not that mine is any more special it was just so special for me. I'm just tired of fighting the good fight and I am reassessing what my true destination is. Its not to live anymore. Not by anything other than the natural predestined energy fail but I just need to prepare rather than tie myself into new things.
I know and I understand...you make perfect sense. Good, bad or ugly it is just the nature of this beast.
DeleteA friend found this the other day and thought I would be able to relate...I could and you will too. You are never alone no matter how alone you feel. Peace to you my friend.
www.rebellesociety.com/2013/12/18/5-lies-you-were-told-about-grief/