It all started with the coolest sky I have ever seen...the full super moon solar eclipse. Did you see it? I wondered. Do you still see what I see? I remember when I used to travel and you would be here, we talked of how even though we were far apart all we had to do was look up and know that we each were seeing the exact same picture. Somehow it made the distance seem not so big. Silly, I guess, but comforting.
I watched for this red moon for hours thinking of the last super moon and how we kept running to the windows to see it and take pictures. And I recalled the nights we sat on the back porch of our first apartment, all snuggled up under blankets, candles all around. We would stare into the sky talking of how vastly different it was from an Ozark sky. You would point out the satellite skimming across every so many minutes and I wondered why I NEVER knew of it before you. You taught me that. And of course, all of this made me miss you terribly once again. Looking up has a way of making you feel tiny and insignificant.
I've been sick this week, seems I picked up something at Kate's on Sunday. Sitting with her I noticed I was getting more and more stuffed up, I was hoping it was just from a burning candle, but it stayed with me and by Monday night I was down for the count. Didn't sleep a wink with a screaming raw throat, finally fell asleep around 5am and proceeded to stay asleep for 22 hours. Scared the crap out of me when I woke up two days later. It made a world of difference though, I'm not tip top but I'm upright and awake!
Last night I laid here on the couch thinking how crummy I felt and how hungry I was and how I SO did not want to get up and find and cook something but I'm alone, this is my life and this is how it is. I have no one to look out for me or after me and no one to help me when I need it. There is no one to make me feel safe in this world anymore, you took that away when you left...you took many things with you when you left. So many things.
I didn't want to get married, do you remember? I mentioned it during one of our MANY phone conversations before we were ever face to face. I had been through such physical, mental and emotional hell during my 10 years in the Ozarks and I had erected such a fortress around my heart and soul. I had fought so hard for some kind of normal and happy with my two little babies and it worked. I learned to push all feelings and emotions down deep so that all that would show was happy and strong and thriving. My kids needed that from me. I made a good life for us far removed from society, we were happy, we were great in fact, at least as far as the children were concerned. In me though there was a whole world of missing going on. A whole big wide world.
And then came you.
With one phone conversation you turned my little well built life upside down. In one hour you had managed to crack a brick in the walls I had built. That world of missing, I could hear it in your voice and it brought me to my knees because it reminded me of wanting. Nine months after that first phone call, knowing I didn't want to get married, you asked me anyway. You said 'I lost you once, I can't let that happen ever again'. How could I say no...three months later we were husband and wife. I finally knew what it was to feel safe, to feel cherished, to feel like I had one person in this whole entire world that would be by my side through great moments in life and the tragedies that come too. I felt so so safe knowing that you would be with me in those hard times and I wouldn't have to face them alone. I never dreamed the first tragedy to come for me would be your death and Evelyn's death. My girlfriend died and you were not there for me to turn to, to help get me through. You couldn't hold me while I cried from the pain. My husband died and she was not there to offer her always comforting words. To come running without being asked. All of this happened seven weeks shy of our third year of marriage. You made me take my walls down, my safety barrier, and then you left me alone. I no longer feel safe or secure. I don't even have the kids to distract me...they are grown. I am on my own now learning to deal with the good the bad and the ugly all by myself. I haven't fully dealt with your death, I have mostly pushed it down deep inside. And Evelyn, Heh, I almost can't even bear to begin that journey. Dear God, how could I. If I can't sit in the reality of you drowning before my eyes how the hell am I supposed to sit in it with her. As for my own near miss, ugh, that is a whole other issue. And being the only survivor...forget about it. I know I have only been grieving the loss of you, your absence from me and our life. I haven't even begun to put into perspective the events of that day. I'm not sure I will ever be strong enough for that.
Do you think I miss you love? Pouring these stupid thoughts out here like I can put a stamp on it and mail it to you. I suppose just thinking the thoughts gets them to you. Who really knows. I love you David, still, always. You must know that in a head full of 10 words 7 of them are about you, right? Okay then...signing off.
Peace to you
P/S - Please put your arms around Evelyn and hold her and hug her hard for me. Tell her I love her so much and I miss her laugh and her face. Tell her I am so sorry we came to see her that day...we never should have gone.
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