You are my person

Hello? 

Are you there? 

I need to talk to you.  You are my person, remember, you told me so.  You said "Until the day you are no longer breathing, I will be your person...I promise."  We were watching my favorite show, Gray's Anatomy, and Meredith told Christina "You are my person" when she put her as emergency contact on a form. 

I turned my head to the right and looked at you, immediately feeling so safe and secure.  There are all these secret fears you have when you are single.  Who will see if I have a melanoma in the places I can't see; what if I choke while eating dinner...who will save me; who will be with me when I am old; how do I know this outfit looks awful on me before I leave the house; what if I have something in my teeth, or worse, in my nose; who will be my emergency contact once my current one, my parents, are gone from here.  Believe me, those are just a few. But with those words, 'I am your person, forever' I felt warm and safe.  Finally!

So, yeah, I'm in need of my person...I hope you are listening.

Mom called and left a cryptic message on the answering machine the other day.

"Hi honey, it's mum. I need you to look up something medical about Dad.  Call me back 

as soon as you get this."

Umm, sure. Okay, do I panic, not panic, what is appropriate here? Mom NEVER calls me, so there is that to consider.

I call immediately, which is actually several hours after she called me.  No answer.  OH. DEAR. GOD.  Now what?  I can't call her cell, she has no idea how to answer it.  When I was just out there her purse started playing a lovely song, so I looked over at her.  She was smiling and looking out the window as I drove us to town.  Still with the music.  

"Um, Mom, are you going to get that?" 

"Get what?" 

"Your phone." 

"What phone?"  

"The one singing a song from your purse." 

"I don't hear anything." 

"That's because it stopped." 

"Oh."  Back she goes to looking out the window...oblivious. 

"Mom?"

"What?"

"You think you should see who just called?"

"When?"

"MOM!  Did you have a stroke or something?  Your cell phone was just ringing...music playing all over the place.  Loud music. Want to check and see who it was, maybe, huh???"

"I was wondering what that pretty music was." as she fishes in a purse that is half the size of her...this takes at least 2 minutes.  Finally finding it she taps it and waits...nothing. Taps it again and waits... nothing.  Now she swipes a finger across the screen like she is conducting a symphony...nothing.   "I don't know how to answer it." as she throws it back inside her bottomless bag.

"Good thing you HAD to have an iPhone." UGH

And Dad doesn't  have a phone.  Well he does, but he doesn't know how to turn it on, and if he could he would never know what to do next.  So yeah, no help there!

Anyway, by 11pm with still no answer I go into a full on panic and put myself to bed.  The only time I'm ever safe from this life is when I'm asleep.

The next morning Mom returns my call(s).  "Dad was in the emergency room."

"WHAT?  WHY?" 

"Oh, he's okay, he's fine.  He was sitting talking on the phone and got this really bad pain in his right hip that went to his groin and eventually down his right leg. The pain got worse and worse as the day went on and he ended up getting severe nausea but never did vomit. He could hardly walk though." "Finally I said to him, let me know now if you think you may need to go to the hospital because I'm going to need time to do my hair and makeup first.  And that's when he said yeah, I think I need to go to the emergency room."  "For Dad to say that, you know it's bad." "But the on call Dr. said he thought it was just his sciatic nerve and gave him a shot and a prescription and sent us home.  The pain is really bad though and he can't lift his right leg, he drags it behind him when he walks...which he can hardly do, I have to help him to the bathroom." "So when can you get here (laughs)?"

See babe?  This is why I need you, you're my person and I need your help.  What the hell do I do now?  I've been dreading the time when my folks aren't able to do for themselves very well and this isn't necessarily that time yet but it has me thinking about that time, you know, when it gets here. You are supposed to be here for this...for me...I can't deal with this crap alone...especially now.  Before you, maybe, after you...most definitely not!  You took ALL my coping skills with you.  I've always been able to pick myself up and dust myself off and carry on after all that I have been through in life...now, I just don't have it in me. This thing with us...it broke me.  Before I would always jump to action and save the day, now I just want to run and hide.  Let someone else handle things.  Problem is, there is no one else.  I am that someone.

Do I move back there?  Did I really go through all that pain and anguish of leaving my family, my son, to come here and start a new life less than 3 years in the making, have that ripped away, my soul ripped out, just to turn around and go back?  I don't think I can. If I go back I fear I will be lost forever.  Other that my people there is NOTHING there, no friends, no prospect of a life...nothing.  How could it be I am supposed to return?  How?  What would I do with Gillian?  Oh God, but they need someone near and there is no one.  There is no one to help them daily or in an emergency.  No one.  I am that someone.

God I wish you were here to help me babe. I need someone to help me so damn bad.

Where the hell are you?????