Did You Hear The News!

The words I longed to say to you for six long years, the words that would let me feel whole and useful and needed and sane, the words that would have meant I was helping us, that I was important once again. The words I so wanted to give you...

I GOT A JOB...only now you aren't here to hear them.

Bittersweet.

Joyous.

Thankful.

Overwhelmed.

Sad.

To name just a few of the emotions slipping through my blood. Weaving their way around the fabric of my being, like an army of ants under my skin, searing a fiery path as they work their way out.

So many emotions that I don't know the words for but I know them by feel, they have been mine for a very long time. They have lived inside of me like a disease, I could trust that I was never alone because I had them...like them or not. I had them. My own personal bullies, picking and tearing and poking at the very thin thread that I hung from for so long.

This is new. This will take time to reach the part of me that can't feel the sun, and make me feel warm and safe again. This will take time for me to believe that I could, maybe, be okay.

But I will get there. I know I will. I know I will.

So yeah, I said those words through a barrage of tears yesterday and I say them to you now. 

I hope you are proud of me. I hope I've made you smile.

I love you David, always and still.