But I am, and I do.
I am so frigging deep inside of lost that I'm petrified I will never find my way out.
I have been through SO much in my life but I'm strong, I pick up and walk through it...always. But THIS. THIS has crippled me. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I have been circling the drain for so long now and I can't make it stop.
I am so fucking deep inside lost.
It never stops Kristen. I am convinced now that I will live with this intense feeling of loss until I can take my own leave.
ReplyDeleteAnd I understand you're not coming here because we are all very, very tired. If there is one thing we are finding in the length of time as it passes is that we are very tired.
I'm tired of breakdowns,
I'm tired of pretending,
I'm tired of having people tell me that I seem so much better when I still feel so lost,
I'm tired of spending night after night all by myself,
I'm tired of waking up in the morning wishing that if I don't open my eyes I wont have to face another day without him.
Tired. Very, very tired.
And along with being tired I just don't want to have to deal with it anymore. Not just the burden of the pain but just life itself. I just don't see the purpose. Just tired of it all.
Nothing I can do to change it back and nothing I can do to want to go forward. Stuck in purgatory.
Sad really. I know for sure our beloveds would NEVER want us to feel this way but I have no control over it. Yes, I am not as debilitated as I was but the wound is still there and it will never go away. It will never stop. I just have to keep pushing around the mountain in the room.
Take care the best you can……..we know it is not easy.
Yes, tired...the word of the hour. Grief, and the coping with it, has taken so much of my energy that I seem to have none for anything else. I feel as though I am made of lead and moving through my days an almost impossible feat. I do it, but it isn't easy.
DeleteI know you know. There are so many who do, but where are they? I can't afford to fly around the country to 'Camp Widows' in order to meet like minded people. My life isn't relatable to my current group of friends, and when we're together I feel like the uninvited guest now. Tired is what it makes me.
Like you said though, we just have to keep pushing around the mountain until it is our time to tap out.
Peace to you my friend.