I was lying in bed waiting for sleep to take me, I had my eyes closed of course, waiting for the frenetic spin of my mind to wind down and rest in peace and there it was...the last picture taken of you, seconds before you fell into your goodbye. WHY...I popped my eyes open and really focused into the darkness and said to no one "My God, you are really gone." As sad and as lonely that I can be sometimes, it really doesn't compute that this is real. I know it sounds strange, I'm the one who lives it...it's strange, but even after all this time, which is a lot, but isn't, it doesn't fully sit in my soul that you are really dead. That day really happened. Evelyn is dead too. It is in moments like this that I know what it is to feel your heart stop beating and your lungs squeeze shut. It's not a good feeling, because, well, I can feel it and I count until death gets me or everything winks back to life. And if you think I can sleep after that crap you are wrong!
You died David. Are you okay with that? You walked through that door and left this life behind you. Are you as sad as me? Do you sit in the space next to me even though I can't see you? Are you there now? Where are you...are you alright? Do you see Evelyn? Is she okay? The need to know these things swallows me whole. I want to know if you two are okay and what you have to say about that day. I mean, seriously, we couldn't have been having more fun and then SLAM, you guys were gone. What a cruel twist by the universe.
I cry so much, and I wonder if I will ever stop. Not long sobbing fits, but tears will stream down my face on most days at some point between Up and Down. The car and music is a HUGE trigger, I pretty much know I will cry sometime before the trip is over, whether to run errands or go to a friends house...I will cry. It's great! NOT!
I've pretty much determined those dreams I had were about moving on, I mean come on, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, I just needed to blink and clear my eyes and I saw it. But the thing is, I have moved on, I've gone as far forward as I can while sitting still. There is nowhere for me to go. I know this is real, I know this really happened, I know you died and are never coming back, I know life as I knew it ended, I know my reality has been seriously altered and that I have to create a new one. I do, I know this, but where would you like me to go? Maybe that is the part I need your help with. That is the hard part now, starting from scratch a whole new life, dreaming new dreams, learning who I am now and going from there. Maybe that is where I struggle. The little piece of the old me that fights to stay present in a world that I just don't fit in anymore. I don't know where I belong. The urge to run away is so strong. I want to pack what little I will need and go someplace new and figure myself out. I can't though, I have children to be near for, parents to care for. So I stay in a life I don't belong to anymore, a place I don't fit.
I've gone as forward as I can go while sitting still.
I've pretty much determined those dreams I had were about moving on, I mean come on, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, I just needed to blink and clear my eyes and I saw it. But the thing is, I have moved on, I've gone as far forward as I can while sitting still. There is nowhere for me to go. I know this is real, I know this really happened, I know you died and are never coming back, I know life as I knew it ended, I know my reality has been seriously altered and that I have to create a new one. I do, I know this, but where would you like me to go? Maybe that is the part I need your help with. That is the hard part now, starting from scratch a whole new life, dreaming new dreams, learning who I am now and going from there. Maybe that is where I struggle. The little piece of the old me that fights to stay present in a world that I just don't fit in anymore. I don't know where I belong. The urge to run away is so strong. I want to pack what little I will need and go someplace new and figure myself out. I can't though, I have children to be near for, parents to care for. So I stay in a life I don't belong to anymore, a place I don't fit.
I've gone as forward as I can go while sitting still.
I am two weeks into this New Year, my 64th birthday today over in about 10 minutes.
ReplyDeleteAll day I stayed in my pajamas. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. Just passing a day, another one just like the three years (coming up on January 21st, the day he died) I've been doing this already. And I feel just like you.
How can he be dead? Where is he? Doesn't he see me sitting here by myself longing for his companionship doing the stupidest of things to pass the time? None of them mean anything. It is all so pointless. Oh yeah, tonight I recovered an old footstool and did some crafty things on it that now I don't like. Messes all over the room. Will need to clean that up before I try to get sleep.
Oh yeah, sleep. That battle I face every night. Trying to listen to a video about the universe where I try to capture one more little thought as to why I am in this position. How could the universe be so cruel? Over and over the same old questions.
I think I have learned running away isn't the answer. I tried it. Once by necessity (sold our beautiful home if FL) and once by choice (tried to set up business with a friend in Hawaii). I found location didn't make a damn bit of difference. His death was there with me every moment. It never goes away. That's part of my problem. It never goes away. It's the going as far forward as you can but still sitting still.
I have concluded that I participate in the universe, I just don't live there. Really, it was one of my epiphanies of late.
And yes, the need to know swallows me whole. All. The. Damn. Time. It has to be one of the worst things about his death. I want answers and there are NONE. And every moment I pretend to keep myself distracted I still come back around to wanting answers.
It's why it is so easy for me to say I want out. I'm just tired. I've searched and tried to convince myself for years that I know there are no answers and yet I want them. The frustration builds, the crying ends the frustration for part of the day but they always return because I always end up asking the same questions. Frustration builds, crying……rinse, repeat.
Worst part is it has bceo so much clearer that this is my reality. For a long time the fog of shock covered that up. I didn’t have to admit to myself that this is now my life. I have no desire, nor will I, to be with anyone else. Never going to happen. So this emptiness, this silence, this roaming through moments…….this is it. I cant see the sense in it and I cant seem to bring it to a close. So what to do? So far it’s been to live with the pain. Live with the hatred I now have for life. Really a sad ending to such a beautiful love affair. Really really sad. And I am so so sad that any of us are having to deal with the consequences of losing our loved ones to death. It's just not right. Nothing about it is right……….