I miss you David, God how I do. Years have gone by, but the soul twisting pain has not left me. It moves with me like a feather fine breeze that barely kisses the skin. It is a part of me that I've learned to hide so very well. People just don't want to know, don't want to see. It's a deformity people are far too uncomfortable with so you learn to hide, for them.
I'm in dire straits now love. Ha, when am I not it seems. I clawed my way to the surface, a process that has taken 3 years, only to find I am close to destitute. The insurance is almost gone. I have been rejected by more job opportunities than I can count on both hands and both feet and both of each of yours. The future looks bleak. I can't afford to stay in our home anymore, but I can't get into another place because of no secure job for a year or more.
What do I do? Arkansas looks like the only immediate option but I so don't want to move there...not again, It was not a good place for me...the things that happened there haunt me still and I fear I would never get back out. You rescued me once, who will rescue me again?
I'm scared.
I'm broke.
I'm alone.
I'm scarred.
I'm done.
Help me babe, hit me over the head with a lightning bolt and magically make me better. I've been climbing through shit storm after shit storm after shit storm for 20 years and it has taken a MAJOR toll on me...
Yeah...I'm done.
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteWhat can I do to help?
I can feel how you are struggling and it's not that I have any ideal solutions but I believe it might be worth considering us talking personally to go a little deeper and talk out our pain as well as any options just because I care. And though my own situation is tenuous I am not yet destitute and maybe there is some value to share stories and what next.
Not sure how to connect though. Is there a way to contact you via email and I could send my info to you if you want to talk? Exchanging info on a more public place (Internet google) is not where I feel comfortable.
Let me know if you want to talk by reaching out through here and giving me a way to reach back. I will watch to see if you respond.
If not and you don't feel inclined to, I get it. I struggle with what to do next too but I have followed your story for awhile now and want to reach out to you and let you know someone is listening.
Stay above ground.......
Mrs C
Well hell...I'm at a loss for words.
DeleteFirst thing you say is "What can I do to help?" That in itself is a help and such an incredibly kind and overwhelming gesture. I forget that other people might read what I write here, as this is where I come to tell my husband things. So, to see your comment of support really struck me. Thank you Mrs. C!
A dumb and inconvenient side effect of grief has been the onset of anxiety (I guess that's what it is) that comes in the form of severe overthinking and the inability to do something that needs to be done (phone calls, make appointments etc.) I get it done eventually, but not without great angst. I HATE IT!
Starting at about month 10 I worked hard and fast applying and interviewing for jobs, that lasted until late 2015 when the woman at the employment agency said "I hate to say this but you are screwed." Her way of saying my age, gap in history and no college degree was going to be a HUGE obstacle. At that point I had had it, incredibly overwhelmed, and incredibly depressed about the lack of income, I quit looking seriously. I mean, I was screwed right, why bother?
Fast forward to now and I really am screwed...ah well, se la vie!
I've wondered about you, how you are getting on, if you are feeling any kind of better. I do, somewhat, the pain isn't as pervasive. When it hits, it hurts...bad, but it is far less often. The anxiety is what I have been left with. Have you found yourself a rhythm in which to pass your time? I hope that you have, there was a time I thought you would be gone too. It was a horrible worry. I'm glad you are still here.
If you would like to connect via email I can be reached at kicknmyo@gmail.com
And yes, always Mrs C, stay above ground...