July 15th

Each day when I wake it hits me that I will face this new day alone, without you.  all the things that will be said, all the decisions that will be made, all the laughs that will be heard and you will not be here in the physical.  Oh, I know they say you are near, you are present, but not in the way I so long for.  And anyway...I don't feel you with me.  I want to, I try...you are in my heart for sure but I don't see signs and I don't know that you are with me any longer.  It is sad sad sad.

Then I look to the ceiling and think of all the things that I am thankful for there are many...I know that in this day, like every day, I will find joy in the little things.  

...The antics of Little E's dog Sam, the best behaved little creature.  

...The one lone chicken that is walking around the yard, it belongs to big E and it's favorite place to sit is on his shoulder.  

...This house, that has been my home for 12 years, granted it is in a place that I prefer not to be and at times it is a HUGE thron in my side, but it is mine and the memories it holds are mine as well. 

... The spontaneous hug of my son when I walk into the room.  He never fails to jumpp up from what he is doing to wrap me in a hug and say "I love you mumma".  Always, 10 times a day, hehe, so cute.  Gillian will do it too.  I can count on her giving me a 'knowing' hug from time to time when se sees that I am in need from the stresses of the day and the stresses of my life out here.  It is difficult to be here, so much goes wrong and I struggle so hard to keep it all going...and for thet she will hug me and say "I love you mummy".  There is a lot to find joy in each and every day.  Yet in the middle of me, the pain that I wear each day...it is like nothing I have ever experienced before.  I know what it is, I know why it is so so sharp.  It is because of you my David.  It is because you loved me so well, and so true and so deep.  We had a love that, for all the years of trying relationships on, fit us.  Like Cinderella's glass slipper, we fit without trying and we were the only ones that were meant for the other.  Regardless of our issues, the shedding of old ways and past habbits, we had a true and honest love that we were learning to adorn for life.  It's hard to trust something new when all yoru life had been spent believing in something else, but we were figuring it out and we were growing into 'us' so well.  We talked, we taught, we learned and we loved each other so very deeply.  That is something I am thankful for every second of my day.  When you have a love like that and it is no longer there in the physical, the pain si something deep and sharp and all consuming.  I cry hard hard hard, my heart feels like pieces of glass and when I move any which way I feel pain like nothing I've ever known.  That you will never stand before me and hold my hand or rub my cheek or speak my name or even smack my ass (which hurt by the way) brings a feeling that I will die any second for clearly noone can live with pain such as this.  It just can't be possible.  But live I do, wake up I do, put one foot in front of the other I do, smile and laugh and dance I do...for you for them and for me.

I hope that your days are great ones, I hope that you know just how much you are cherished and I hope that you wil lalways stay near me David because I don't ever what to be far from you...I don't think I could handle it.  I cannot believe that we found each other again after all these years to then walk alone.  I will not accept that.

Signing off now my love...another day done.  Tired, so very tired...nearly no sleep in over 2 months and piles and piles on my mind.  I love you so very mych baby.  I wish you could respond to me when I write to you...God how I wish.

I miss you love...me...xoxo