Feeling Crazy

There are so many poems and inspirational sayings on the Internet and so many of those get posted on Facebook.  While I understand they can have meaning for lots of people I tend to stay clear of the majority of them because they seem too rhyme-ey, and trite.  What I feel over the death of my husband and Evelyn is so much deeper and more intense than a cute-sie rhyme.  That being said, I will come across one from time to time that strikes a chord, like this one...

I was supposed to spend the rest 

of my life with you.

And then I realized...you spent the 

rest of your life with me.

I smile because I know that you loved me

till the day you went away.

And will keep loving me...

till the day we're together again.

I never pay attention to who writes them or what website they are from, I just read them and move on.  This one I liked though because we used to say it to each other all the time "I will love you for the rest of your forever".  So, this one I did see who wrote it, and the site it came from...It's from Wake Me Up! Love and The Afterlife...A true story by Lyn Ragan.  I have other books about Love After Loss, I haven't read them yet though...I am so not at that point, but something strong made me go to that website and buy the book.  What? Wait, I am NEVER that impulsive, if I was I would have rooms full of odd crap I saw and had to have.  It is just not like me to do something like that, it is David though, so I did, I bought it on January 5th.  Now that I have the book I surely won't read it. Especially since reading through the website and seeing it is not about love after loss...it is about THE Afterlife, as in spirit world stuff.  It sat in my Kindle for two weeks while I read another book, still confused about the draw to buy it in the first place. 

A few days ago I started the book...It was slow going and I was thinking of quitting it as the first few chapters were pretty amateurish and didn't capture my interest.  It's not until Lyn starts writing of her dreams that I decide to stick with it, I mean, how bad can it be, right?!  It's actually getting interesting. So I'm reading, and I'm reading, and I'm reading and then last night I sit bolt upright in bed.  I felt as though I was hit square in the back of the head and I couldn't catch my breath. The dream sequence I just read about knocked me on my ass.  Did I have the same dream? Not exactly. So why was I so taken by it then, what made me KNOW I was meant to see this, what made me know this is why I was drawn to buy this book...of all books out there. The answer was clear as glass...it is like explanation to the dream that didn't feel like a dream. The one I had four days after I bought the book. Clearly I have lost my freaking mind.  I laid back down and just stared at the ceiling, unable to read further.  My thoughts were rocketing around like a pinball inside of my head and I couldn't keep up.  When I read the words I instinctively knew the meaning behind my dream and it shook me to my core.  I am totally and completely nuts, right? 

All of this new year I have been in a deep state of sorrow.  The knowledge that you will never come back in the physical is trying to break through my carefully built wall of defense.  My sadness that the once so often signs are now few and far between is leaving me lonelier than normal.  Of course I haven't asked for any, and when I do you come, but why haven't you felt to just do them on your own?  Why do I have to be alone until I call you?  I know...'shut up Kristen.' I'm sorry love, sometimes I'm needy I guess.  I just miss you so desperately and need to feel you with me always, it's all I have left.

Anyways what I just read, on page 115 of this book goes like this

 "why are all these people here?"  

 "These are souls waiting to pass over." the voice said

 "...my attention was redirected...to observe my surroundings. There were no walls and I wasn't in a room of sorts.  There wasn't a floor.  There wasn't a ceiling." 

 "There were so many people in line,waiting their turn.  They each had an unusual look about them--a blank stare."

Do you see?  Do you see why I'm freaked out?  Her dream was just like my dream only decorated a little differently...the people in my dream were on a bus as well as the ceiling-less room of sorts, that was also outside because you drove a car in it.  Holy shit, as my thoughts are flowing right now I'm even more freaked and can't even say inside my head what I know to be the meaning.  I have obviously fallen off the deep end.  Crap!

My new found interpretation of my dream from the 9th...

I cry long and deep and hard, still.  I scream, inside my head, that I just want to be with you, I don't want to be here living (barely) this life without you...We had so many plans...You never give me signs anymore and Mr. C being the brightest one is never here anymore.  I sob over a missing bird all the time.  I am a mess.  

So I dream that dream and I don't get it AT ALL.  I read that part of that book and it leads me to believe that you were telling me the only way you know how, that I am where I am supposed to be, it is not my time to be with you in the life you now have.  You live in a world where there are many many souls waiting to be delivered to the other side and you help do that.  I am not meant to be there now, I have family that needs me here, like my aging parents. They will need me more than we needing to be together.  I felt no emotion from you because you can't get through to me because my grief is too big and only when my mind and my heart are calm (when I sleep) can you come through.  That was the part where you didn't seem happy to see me, it's not that you weren't, you just couldn't project through my pain and sorrow.  And the part I didn't write about in my dream post is that when I came out of my room that morning after the dream,  and turned my head to the right I saw through the window Mr. C sitting there eating the seed I had put out the day before, like always.  I am lead to believe that was you verifying that dream was indeed a message from you...I just didn't get it, until now.

That dream and finding the book, as obscure as it is, has put a lot of meaning behind SO many things that have happened to me since you left.  SO many things I have never even told anyone about.  It's incredible really. All the signs of the first several months, the few dreams I have had, the waking hearing lyrics of a song in my head (not just me humming a tune, really hearing as though a radio is on) and so much more.  I tell ya babe, you start to go a little mad with it all.  I am in such a state as never before and all the words in the world can never truly explain what it is like...it's just, it's just unimaginable and unexplainable that's all.  As removed from life and reality as I have felt, everything that has happened only works to push me further away.  It's a lonely lonely world I live in.

Anyways, so am I right?  Or am I nuts?  God I think I'm nuts. It's all so nuts.

Oh well...live another day!