Grief is isolating.
It so is to! Damn. I have worked so freaking hard from the very beginning of this crazy mixed up journey to 'get out there', 'do', 'live'. Well, ya know what? It ain't working!!!
Two years and 4 damn months into this shit storm and I'm screaming UNCLE...I'm tapping out. Let me out of this ring now...don't want to be here and I definitely don't want to play this stupid game anymore. I feel like I am the definition of isolated. Look in the dictionary and there I am pretty as a picture wrapped inside the meaning of the word. God, could I be any more pathetic?
Where am I? Where did I go? Am I coming back? Will I know me when I see me? Will you? Ugh! What the hell man. Not only do we have to come to terms, whatever that means, with the fact that our spouse has left the building but now we have to figure out where the hell we went? Craap!
All these many many months clawing my way through the muck that my life is and this is where I end up? Isolated. Alone. Again...what the hell man. Why can I no longer find the words to carry on a conversation, why do I cringe when asked to do something or go somewhere? Why?
Is it always going to be like this? Will I ever be able to feel joy again? Will I laugh again with more than just my voice? Will I be able to do what needs to get done without thinking it to death and making myself crazy. God, the questions. The boat loads of questions and not one single answer.
Stick a fork in me because I am done!
We are a changed species after shaking hands with death. We no longer live in the old reality and the new place we landed seems surreal. I think we would all prefer to be somewhere else. Anywhere but here. I think that is why we isolate. It is just easier not to have to explain why we cannot tolerate the old reality anymore. My mind does the same thing as yours. I think in one way it is a protection mechanism and in another I am so confused about how to live I just turnoff, retreat and forget everything. I am frightened, paralyzed, and yes incapacitated by seeing what I am unable to handle. So I get it.
ReplyDeleteThat kind of feeling that we had in our relationships is a very powerful energy. There is something extremely powerful about having had that kind of relationship. It was meant to be and now we are meant to experience the aftereffects of that powerful, energetic relationship. Deep down inside that power and energy is burning a hole right through us. Its pretty obvious to me that nothing is more powerful than the various manifestations of love. For those of us who are lucky enough to feel love, the results of not having it are bound to keep our minds riveted on searching for where it went and why it is gone. And the fact we are so crippled by the mind's thoughts about losing our love it just goes to show we are experiencing something much bigger than our narrow little objective reality can encompass.
We all built our lives on the sacred geometry of the nature of love but we were only concentrating on what was right in front of us. Now we are having to function with so much that is abstract. It is so surreal. Our husbands may be right in front of us but we cannot see them because of the geometry of how death constructs our love now. There is nothing more universal or more abstract than death. Think of it. None of us do the same thing except one thing. We all die.
There are so many things this sorrow has done that are impossible to explain much less try to get square in our heads. You arent going crazy. You are trying to get answers for the one and only thing you will never get an answer for and your brain wants to know why. It knows you have solved everything up until now, what’s the problem with now?