I awoke with this in my eyes...I walked from outside the screen past a park bench, which you were sitting on. The overwhelming feeling...hurt, anger, betrayal. As I walked by this bench, you, I turned to look at you with disgust in my eyes and continued walking towards a small wooden footbridge. That is it. Nothing else. I woke up...game over! WTF
The next day while working on my laptop I got a pop up message about my Yahoo IM. To be honest, I haven't been on my Yahoo instant message screen since 2012. I forgot about it. Anyway, this pop up gave directions to see past/saved message threads. I ignored it.
The next day I got another pop up about this damn IM archive system. WTH...3 years. Three years since I've used this way of talking with someone. Now I can't seem to get rid of this stupid pop up message.
The next night I got the pop message again and this time I followed the directions and waited. What I saw on the screen took my breath away. The only thread on this thing was from you and I. So I closed out of it. Nope, not going there...can't immerse myself in a conversation with you that I can't have anymore. UGH! Why is this all of a sudden coming up? So I went back to watching the season finale of The Voice. All the while though I thinking, just do it, read the posts. So I did.
It was years worth of posts, I didn't read them all, just the last ones from shortly before you died. We were having an 'issue' and I was posting from Arkansas while you were here in Rhode Island. It was hard going back to that time feeling it, hearing your voice in my head as I read. The more I read the more I wondered why the universe had put energy into bringing me here (the dream, the pop ups) why am I supposed to be reliving this mess we were in, why now after all this time? And as I'm reading I hear "Is it too late for me to say I'm sorry?" WHAT!?! Justin Bieber was performing on the Voice and that was the opening line of his song. Huh. As much as it all seemed to 'connect', to be a sign, I don't know why, if it is, the feeling of the dream was anger and disgust. Why not love, understanding, forgiveness, I'm sorry! So, I'm not sure what to make of it all.
Then a few nights later, another dream. Okay, now this is getting too weird. I NEVER dream of you, not at all. Now, 3 in two weeks. Enough already!!! What are you trying to tell me, I don't understand what you are trying to say babe...and this dream, IT SUCKED!!!
The setting is a beach, but I see a chain link fence too, so it's strange. I don't see me, the setting all takes place through my eyes. I see you and I know there is another person on the sidelines, a girl. The dream kind of picks up with me trying desperately to get you to understand what I am telling you, what my point of view is, I'm trying to tell you that you told me I was the greatest love of your life and that when you lost me the first time you spent the next 27 years trying to find me and once you had you were not going to waste one minute without me and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me I was saying this to you over and over again like I was trying to jog your memory. I was on one side of the chain link fence and you were on the other and off in the distance I could see this woman looking off at the ocean. You were just looking at me through the fence not saying anything but the gist of the feeling was that you were leaving me and going off with her and I was so mad that you didn't seem to get that the words I was saying to you were your words to me when you proposed to me. Then I woke up...feeling battered and bruised and completely defeated. What does it all mean, why is this happening, why am I dreaming this stuff?
And right up to the moment my fingers hit the keys to type that last paragraph the dreams had all been/felt of you cheating on me and leaving me for another woman. But as the words appeared on the screen it hit me that you did leave me, with another woman, and to the sea. You left and Evelyn left and the ocean took you and I am stuck here, I can't get to you, I can't help you see to live. I still don't understand the point of this, I know all this, why did I need to see it play out and be reminded again.
I'm sorry, but you are going to need to be much more clear in your messages because obviously I am clueless to what you are telling me.
It was years worth of posts, I didn't read them all, just the last ones from shortly before you died. We were having an 'issue' and I was posting from Arkansas while you were here in Rhode Island. It was hard going back to that time feeling it, hearing your voice in my head as I read. The more I read the more I wondered why the universe had put energy into bringing me here (the dream, the pop ups) why am I supposed to be reliving this mess we were in, why now after all this time? And as I'm reading I hear "Is it too late for me to say I'm sorry?" WHAT!?! Justin Bieber was performing on the Voice and that was the opening line of his song. Huh. As much as it all seemed to 'connect', to be a sign, I don't know why, if it is, the feeling of the dream was anger and disgust. Why not love, understanding, forgiveness, I'm sorry! So, I'm not sure what to make of it all.
Then a few nights later, another dream. Okay, now this is getting too weird. I NEVER dream of you, not at all. Now, 3 in two weeks. Enough already!!! What are you trying to tell me, I don't understand what you are trying to say babe...and this dream, IT SUCKED!!!
The setting is a beach, but I see a chain link fence too, so it's strange. I don't see me, the setting all takes place through my eyes. I see you and I know there is another person on the sidelines, a girl. The dream kind of picks up with me trying desperately to get you to understand what I am telling you, what my point of view is, I'm trying to tell you that you told me I was the greatest love of your life and that when you lost me the first time you spent the next 27 years trying to find me and once you had you were not going to waste one minute without me and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me I was saying this to you over and over again like I was trying to jog your memory. I was on one side of the chain link fence and you were on the other and off in the distance I could see this woman looking off at the ocean. You were just looking at me through the fence not saying anything but the gist of the feeling was that you were leaving me and going off with her and I was so mad that you didn't seem to get that the words I was saying to you were your words to me when you proposed to me. Then I woke up...feeling battered and bruised and completely defeated. What does it all mean, why is this happening, why am I dreaming this stuff?
And right up to the moment my fingers hit the keys to type that last paragraph the dreams had all been/felt of you cheating on me and leaving me for another woman. But as the words appeared on the screen it hit me that you did leave me, with another woman, and to the sea. You left and Evelyn left and the ocean took you and I am stuck here, I can't get to you, I can't help you see to live. I still don't understand the point of this, I know all this, why did I need to see it play out and be reminded again.
I'm sorry, but you are going to need to be much more clear in your messages because obviously I am clueless to what you are telling me.
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