Would Be 51

Happy Birthday my love.

Is that how you say it anymore?  After someone has died...Happy Birthday?!?  Should it be 'Happy Almost Birthday'?  or 'Happy Birthday that Wasn't'? or...oh who the fuck knows, truthfully I think all protocol was flushed down the commode when you took your last breath, the one that whispered loudly 'get out now'.

Your first 'after' birthday I cooked a meal you loved with drinks and dessert included.  Two of the kids were here with me and they just looked at me with pity written all over their faces and pretended it was just another meal and that I hadn't plunged off the deep end. I celebrated alone.

The second 'after' birthday I, along with all your friends and family, was invited to join your mom and sisters at a favorite restaurant of yours. To celebrate with dinner and drinks and shared memories. Boy this was a tough one to face, since you left I don't do well with being in public.  However, I arrived early to find no one else had come except the invitees and they had already finished eating.  Awkward. The smile I had pasted on my face before leaving the house remained as I ordered Margaritas and laughed and cried with your family. The women of your life were in so much pain yet trying to be brave and fake our way through.  Doing what appears to be normal yet felt anything but...

So this third 'after' birthday.  Well, it's just me.  The kids have made themselves scarce in my life.  And your family is no longer mine, we tried, for a good while anyway, but without you we just couldn't keep it up. I am sorry about that and I hope you understand. If they said I need you I would drop everything and run to them, always, for you.  But the rest we let go.

So, yeah, just me here and really, all I can do is talk to you in my head like I do every day and say Happy Day to you. Tell you I love you (again) and that I miss you (still) and wonder where the hell you are.

Happy Birthday my love...I miss you and I love you <3