Hold onto the Joy

The past few days have been simply beautiful, the sky blue, the air warm and the sounds delightful.  This time of year brings me huge amounts of joy.

It is chilly in the house, so in the moments of down time and I can't stand the cold another minute I have been going outside to read, to warm up. Yesterday I was struck by the sounds of traffic, lawn equipment throughout the neighborhood, birds chirping, dogs barking and the voices of people I can't see from here. I felt JOY, plain and simple. Outside is where I am at my best, soaking in the heat of the sun and the sounds of life.  It was good.

I sat thinking of our many conversations of getting the kids graduated so we could finally move to an ocean paradise and live the rest of our days. The little beach side B & B we wanted to run with a tiki bar right on the sand. The excitement that would build the longer we talked, the plans and ideas that poured out. Yeah...the excitement, we were so ready for this next chapter, we had a ways to go, but we could see the light...

Sitting in the sun, soaking in the warmth, I look around and you are not here. I am alone in my memories and the joy trembles, it becomes blurry. I shake my head to dislodge from the past because I am not ready to visit there for long. It hurts too much. It just hurts too damn bad. I enter alone and I leave alone. Some day I will be able to go all the way in, but today isn't some day.

I once again hear the birds chirping and the dog barking and I reach back for that joy and hold on with all my might. I need this joy dammit!

I miss you my love, I miss you in a way that feels like every bone in my body is breaking from the power of it. 

Oh well, time for me to go back inside to the cold empty home we once shared.