The Lock Post is Out!

Inside the last week of July I asked my David to send me a very specific 'sign', one that I had yet to see within this old house of ours.  One he had seen, and our daughter had seen when I am away from here for an extended period, but I had never in our 2 years of living here.  I wanted him to show me the old fashioned lock posts in the 'out' position like he had always claimed happened.  

I never got that answered...what I got instead...or so I thought was a week of hearing his name in just about every single show that I saw on t.v. that week.  As though letting me know he heard me, he's listening, he made his name be the predominant one in every random show I watched. I'm always so amazed by the messages he sends me, I'm always so proud of him for them.

Okay...so, it is 2 weeks later, it is August 12th...a Monday...it is another day in a month of days that I find that I am just not coping well.  I find that the pain is worsening, not getting better.  The visions have returned full force and they are more difficult to shake.  My heart is heavier and my breathing is getting so bad that I find myself sitting forward and gasping for air as if suddenly it dawned on me..."I'm not breathing".  UGH!  I have to do something, this can't go on, I don't want to do this anymore, I want my husband so desperately, I want my life, I want what we had...it was not perfect, but it was ours.  We built it and I loved it, all of it...the good the bad and the ugly.  I want my husband, and I want my friend.  I want to wake up from this freaking damn nightmare. PLEASE.  So,  I sign up and make a commitment to a 7 week bereavement boot camp.  It's a small step, but at least it is a step forward rather than backward.  I have my marching orders for this first week.  Reading, affirmations and a challenge.  I'm on my way!  This is a significant day.

It's 11pm and I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, when I shut the door behind me I hear a solid thud.  I turn to look to see what just happened and am rendered motionless, speechless...the post inside the door is in the 'out' position!  I'm just staring at it, I can't move, all I can do is look and look and look.  I do not believe it.  I'm suspicious.  Someone is really messing with me and I'm not believing what I am seeing.  I run to my daughter's room and ask her if she left the 'lock post out'...what post, where? she asks.  I say "Gillian, the lock for the bathroom door, it's out...did you do that."  "Oh...No, remember when we started eating I went in there and came out and started to say something to you but then said I'll tell you later...that was it.  I saw that when I went in but didn't fix it because I wanted you to finally see it for yourself because we always told you about it and you kept saying 'well I never see it'...so humph."   She has no idea the significance of this for me, so I tell her.  With a tear in her eye she says to me "he's here mom, he heard you."  I just back out of her room and go into mine and lie down and mull this whole thing over, she swears she didn't do it, she saw it too.  I said if I saw it I would NEVER doubt his signs, his messages...but even this one might just be too much for me.  

I turn out the light and go to sleep thinking to myself that this HUGE sign has to be David's way of telling me he knows of the boot camp, he knows of my struggles and he wants me to know he is here with me through it all.

I choose to believe.

I love you my boyfriend, my husband, my David.  Oh how I do.

The name...David

This last week of July/first week of August was a difficult one for me.  For some reason I just felt very down and defeated.  Maybe, with the distance of time, I know I am being carried further and further away from my love.  Maybe I am fighting my way out of denial and un-acceptance, emotionally kicking and screaming into the dawn of reality and I HATE IT, who knows.

I'm not a big television person.  I do not turn it on throughout the day until evening, and then it's to sit back and relax and watch the same shows I did with my husband.  Some funny, some repeates, whatever...it's just comfortable and familiar to me.

This week I saw  many shows...Paranormal Witness, Chopped, House Hunters International, Undercover Boss, Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Hoarders, Long Island Medium, Restraunt Stakeout, Bar Rescue etc etc etc.  Fascinating, right?!?  It's a grande life, but someone has to live it...

Anyway, this past week, this difficult past week, on each show I watched the featured person of each and every show had the name David.  There was not one show I saw that the main person of the episode was not named David...not Dave, but David.  I heard it every time, but it wasn't until part way through the week that I realized it was a sign meant just for me, from the love of my life.  

You see, at the beginning of the week I sat here crying and I picked out a VERY specific thing that, if he made it happen, I would never ever doubt in signs again no matter how small.  If he did this one thing I would forever be a believer.  It has not happened yet.   

We live in the top floor of a VERY old, 1895,  Bell Mansard Victorian, and David used to say he always felt scared to go into our Master closet...the hairs on the back of his neck would stand up every time he went in.  Also, whenever I was away traveling, he and our daughter would say that the old 'post' locks would always be in the 'out' position.  Noone ever really even uses them and to do so you have to physically turn the knob to make the post come out of the door.  For some reason when I am home it doesn't happen, but when I am gone they both swear it ALWAYS happens.  This...this is what I asked of my husband...the sign I wanted to see...make the posts be in the out position like you used to claim.  Do that and I will forever believe.

It has not happened, the posts remain tucked inside the door where they belong...but maybe that is because 'another' has control over that trick...maybe the ghost of the founding owner of this beautiful old home,  who died in his kitchen here on the first floor...knowing this, my husband did the only thing he could think to do and that was to have his name plastered on every single show I watched in a weeks time.  David, David, David, not Dave as he was known by those of his former life, but David as was spoken by me, and those in his new life...his name, David, was spoken every single day inside of this house through the voices of the television.

That's good enough for me...