Summer is here, right?!?

Well, I believe after Memorial Day we are officially into the start of summer.  The days are holding at mid sixties to mid seventies and the nights have gone down to mid forties but other than that it's just a feeling you get.  The subtle change that comes over the land.  You watch each day as colors get brighter, birds speak louder, even traffic steps it up a notch.  Slowly doors open and heads peek out looking to see if it's safe to come out, safe to leave the comfort and warmth of the place they hid in after such a LONG and WHITE winter.

I've taken to sitting on our porch again, only it just isn't the same alone.  I think I'm so tough and brave for doing it though so there is that.  LOL

I've been sort of but kind of not planning our return trip to Arkansas.  I mean, I know it is coming, I know we will be leaving here for there, but at the same time I'm dreading it.  Stepping out of the drama I've grown accustomed to and into the drama I've become unaccustomed to.  But go we must and go we will.

I haven't seen my family in a year.  It was only two months in that I was with them last, I was in shock and numb then.  They do not know me now.  They do not know how I am.  It will be a 'high alert' three weeks for me.  I do not want to frighten them with the sudden and without warning 'falls' that I have.  They will be expecting to see the me they have always known, they are oblivious to the fact that she no longer exists.  This should be a lot of fun.  HeHe...Ugh.

For the only reason that is important I will do this...my precious boy.  The child that did not ask for any of this.  He is so good and so brave and so loving that I feel my heart crack just thinking of him.  I will do whatever it takes for him and I will be happy for it.  

So I will gather my thoughts, and gather my belongings and head to the Ozark Mountains, to a place that you loved so much, a place you dreamed of living one day.  Not sure if you noticed, but I did every little thing in as subtle a way as possible to deter you from that dream LOL, I lived there already, once, and wasn't really wanting to do it again any time soon.  

You will be with me, with us, as you should be.  Have no fear.

Yes, summer is here again, summer number 2 without you...What a looong strange trip it's been.  Can you hear them singing?  

You're my Angel...

Struggling is the theme for today...ha, more like the theme for the month, the year even.  But let's focus on today.  

Today is the day before Thanksgiving.  The one day set aside in a whole year of days, that everyone everywhere gathers together to give thanks for family, life, loved ones, and...well you get the picture.  

I am thankful, I am.  I always have been.  I go to bed every night, um...almost every night, and I say thank you for all that I have...all that I am blessed with.  I've always taught my children that we may not have all that we want, but we always have WAY more than we need.

It has been an excruciating year, right from midnight 2013 and it fell off the charts on May 5th. The day the music died, the day my life stopped spinning, the day my heart shattered in a million pieces.  The day my best friend, my love, my husband died...along with a very dear girlfriend.

So yeah, struggling is the theme for today.

I made it out of the grocery store and stood in the pouring rain, arms full of bags.  And I cried.  I slogged to the car and got in saying 'Oh my God David, oh my God.'  I started the car, drove to the light and waited for the color green.  I hit the radio power button and I heard...

Don't know what I'm gonna do about this feeling inside

Yes it's true, loneliness took me for a ride

Without your love I'm nothing but a beggar

Without your love a dog without a bone

What can I do? I'm sleepin' in this bed alone

Come and save me tonight

You're the reason I live

You're the reason I die

You're the reason I give when I break down and cry

Don't need no reason why

Baby, baby, bayayby

You're my angel

Come and save me tonight

You're my angel

Yeah, come and make it alright

You're my angel

Come and save me tonight

I cried harder and then I was done...On to the next moments of my day.

To Whom It May Concern

I just wanted to say...I know you are hurting too, I know you lost one or two of your friends on that day, and for that I am sorry.  I am sorry for your sadness and the pain you feel, the pain you don't show me.  I know this didn't only happen in my world, it happened in yours too and I wish there was something I could do or say that would make you feel better.  I recognize that I am not alone in this sorrow...and neither are you...we all have each other.  So to EACH and EVERY one of you who relates specifically to this matter...I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for your pain.

PEACE!

The countdown

You were always so big on the countdown...to when you would travel to me, or when I would come to you...the hours the minutes the seconds until we would be in each others arms again. Being separated was always so hard for you, for me,  and the countdown just seemed to help. You always did it...right from day one.  

I keep a countdown of my own these days, only mine doesn't seem to help with anything, it just is a reminder...a reminder of how long we have been separated, how long it has been since we have been in each others arms.  A reminder of how much time has passed since I laughed with, and hugged one of my very best friends, since we toasted to our lives that we were loving so much. It is a reminder of how much time has passed since you and she left, and I stayed.  A reminder of how many days I have cried hard tears for you, for Evelyn, for me, for our families...for our kids.

So here it is...Silly, I know, but there it is in terms you can relate to my love.

3 months or 13.1 weeks

92 days or 2, 208 hours

132,480 minutes or 7, 948, 800 seconds

Life is good, I have always said so.  I have worked very hard to always see it that way, no matter what.  This circumstance won't change that, cannot change that...I won't let it. 
I still feel that life is good.  I know that I am a little lost right now, having a very difficult time seeing through to the light but I must do it.  I must see the good in everything or ALL of this will have been for nothing.  I know there is a reason I was left to walk away.

David, I am so sad and broken.  Some days I don't feel like I can even stand up but I do.  I do it all and I don't think most people I see would even know how bad off I am right now.  I work hard at being 'normal', everyone has enough on their own plates, they don't need to worry about me too.  Besides, this is my gig, my experience, my journey.  There isn't one single thing anyone could do or say to change it for me.  I am the creator of my own life. Only I can choose to lay down and cower from what the universe throws at me...or stand as tall as I can, with my chin held high and tears in my eyes...and dance.  And I choose to dance, to love life, to gaze at the beauty of this world that I live in, to stand in awe by the ocean as I have always done.  I choose to live for me, for my family, for my friends...I choose to live for you my love and for Evelyn.

Ours...2010

Evelyn 

Best Sisters...

Best friends...

I may no longer have the privilege to have you at my side for all of my life, or to gaze into your beautiful beautiful face, or to smell that wondrous scent that is uniquely you, or to lay my hands on you and kiss your perfect mouth.  But I have all those moments, from when I was lucky enough to have it all with you, stored safely inside my soul.  I go there often and I break down hard when I do... for the loss, for the joy, for the beauty of it all.  And when I leave that place and come back to the now, I smile and wipe away the tears,  because I know that I was so very very lucky and so very blessed that you loved me so deeply.  That you spent so much time looking for me,  that you found me, and that we were husband and wife...we were David and Kristen Machado.

L O V E

Woo Hoo!  How freaking lucky am I?  

So thank you my David, thank you for finding me, for loving me and for giving me what we had. I hope that where you live you are happy, safe, free and whole again.  That you can see me and watch over me and that you know how adored you are.  You are a special, special man.

And David...I hope you still dance too.

Peace, love and happiness on this 92nd day.