The End Of My Rope

A long time has passed since I've written to you...I have been away. You know, the annual trip down South to be with family.  You are there, or some of your ashes are.  I can't think more on that though, it's too strange to think of.

I miss you David, God how I do. Years have gone by, but the soul twisting pain has not left me. It moves with me like a feather fine breeze that barely kisses the skin. It is a part of me that I've learned to hide so very well. People just don't want to know, don't want to see. It's a deformity people are far too uncomfortable with so you learn to hide, for them.

I'm in dire straits now love. Ha, when am I not it seems. I clawed my way to the surface, a process that has taken 3 years, only to find I am close to destitute. The insurance is almost gone. I have been rejected by more job opportunities than I can count on both hands and both feet and both of each of yours. The future looks bleak. I can't afford to stay in our home anymore, but I can't get into another place because of no secure job for a year or more.

What do I do? Arkansas looks like the only immediate option but I so don't want to move there...not again, It was not a good place for me...the things that happened there haunt me still and I fear I would never get back out. You rescued me once, who will rescue me again?

I'm scared.

I'm broke.

I'm alone.

I'm scarred.

I'm done.

Help me babe, hit me over the head with a lightning bolt and magically make me better. I've been climbing through shit storm after shit storm after shit storm for 20 years and it has taken a MAJOR toll on me...

Yeah...I'm done.

This hole that I feel

Since our day on that rock I have been in a perpetual state of 'lost and overwhelm'.  I mean I know where I am, which is nowhere, but really I'm just going in circles here.

It seems my life 'after' has revolved around a hole. Weird right? Yeah. But, it's true. When you didn't ever wake up there was just this space, this big HUGE empty space left in my world.  Picture the deepest hole where once, you had stood. Do you see it?  Well, I woke up in that hole, and spent hours and hours, days, and months trying with everything I had in me to climb out of it. It was exhausting, disorienting, overwhelming and excruciatingly slow. Sometimes I would almost make it to where I could see light but got yanked back down time and time again. The only thing to do was get up and try again, so...I did. And I did and I did and I did.

I'm not sure when I climbed out, but I think I did.  At least, and I don't want to say this too loud in case I get pulled back down (I'm having enough trouble with up, I don't think I can handle down again) but I don't feel I am in a constant climb anymore.  Nope, now it's more like a circle the rim kind of feeling. I seem to hover just at the edge of dark and light with 'one false move' just laying in wait to push me in.

It's all just so fucked up. I mean what the hell is this crap, this living after loss shit. A manual comes with EVERYTHING...how to strike a match, how to use your blender, how to set up your phone etc, etc, etc.  But death and how to do it...nope!  And I know there are mountains of books out there, I've read many, but really, and I mean this in the sincerest way possible...THEY SUCK!  All the words, all the best advice, all my best intentions to do it 'right' mean nothing. When it hits you, you are no longer in control. No matter how well you want to do this thing...tough.  You will do it however 'it' says you will do it.

So yeah, I think I made it out just so I can circle around it. Yippee!  And let me just say...walking this path with a full set of tears ALWAYS at the ready is harder than you might think.  It's like trying to drive in a rainstorm without ever using the wipers. You can't see shit and you know the edge is near and you must stay away from it and the stress and pain and overwhelm is all just too, too much. 

Dear God it's just too much.  All I want to do is open my eyes and walk across the room in a straight line towards normal rather than shuffling through a minefield with tears hanging on my eyelids.  It's no kind of life...