August 6th

Good morning my love...made it through!

Fell asleep early, 1am as opposed to 3:30...I think that's good for a change.  The thing I talked to yo about, the thing I've been struggling with...all I can say is I've done my best, I've done no wrong, I've tried and it is what it is I guess.  It's not what I would have chosen, but...In the past we had discussed this subject in great length.  You tried to explain, to get me to understand and I didn't fully, I didn't see it...now Iget it, boy do I ever...I'm starting to get a lot of things.  And all I can do is be sorry that is has been this way for you for so long and hug you in my heart...tight.

I love you my beautiful husband

The name...David

This last week of July/first week of August was a difficult one for me.  For some reason I just felt very down and defeated.  Maybe, with the distance of time, I know I am being carried further and further away from my love.  Maybe I am fighting my way out of denial and un-acceptance, emotionally kicking and screaming into the dawn of reality and I HATE IT, who knows.

I'm not a big television person.  I do not turn it on throughout the day until evening, and then it's to sit back and relax and watch the same shows I did with my husband.  Some funny, some repeates, whatever...it's just comfortable and familiar to me.

This week I saw  many shows...Paranormal Witness, Chopped, House Hunters International, Undercover Boss, Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Hoarders, Long Island Medium, Restraunt Stakeout, Bar Rescue etc etc etc.  Fascinating, right?!?  It's a grande life, but someone has to live it...

Anyway, this past week, this difficult past week, on each show I watched the featured person of each and every show had the name David.  There was not one show I saw that the main person of the episode was not named David...not Dave, but David.  I heard it every time, but it wasn't until part way through the week that I realized it was a sign meant just for me, from the love of my life.  

You see, at the beginning of the week I sat here crying and I picked out a VERY specific thing that, if he made it happen, I would never ever doubt in signs again no matter how small.  If he did this one thing I would forever be a believer.  It has not happened yet.   

We live in the top floor of a VERY old, 1895,  Bell Mansard Victorian, and David used to say he always felt scared to go into our Master closet...the hairs on the back of his neck would stand up every time he went in.  Also, whenever I was away traveling, he and our daughter would say that the old 'post' locks would always be in the 'out' position.  Noone ever really even uses them and to do so you have to physically turn the knob to make the post come out of the door.  For some reason when I am home it doesn't happen, but when I am gone they both swear it ALWAYS happens.  This...this is what I asked of my husband...the sign I wanted to see...make the posts be in the out position like you used to claim.  Do that and I will forever believe.

It has not happened, the posts remain tucked inside the door where they belong...but maybe that is because 'another' has control over that trick...maybe the ghost of the founding owner of this beautiful old home,  who died in his kitchen here on the first floor...knowing this, my husband did the only thing he could think to do and that was to have his name plastered on every single show I watched in a weeks time.  David, David, David, not Dave as he was known by those of his former life, but David as was spoken by me, and those in his new life...his name, David, was spoken every single day inside of this house through the voices of the television.

That's good enough for me...

The heart

At this point,  late July, it has been some time since I've had a sign from my love.  At least any big ones that is.  I have had several small moments when I catch a little glimmer of something and just automatically say "Hi babe".  They could be real, they could just be me wishing.  The ones I write about here are the grand gestures that there is just no denying due to the timing and the circumstances leading up to them.  They are real and you only have to open your heart and your eyes and see to believe.

Summer is when I return to where I lived most recently, before meeting David again.  I return with my daughter to Arkansas to spend many weeks with family and my son who still lives there. It is a time that my husband looks forward to every year because he uses his vacation time and we drive down together along with one of his sons, as a family.  It's a long ride, the kids usually aren't too thrilled, but they have the end destination to ease the pain of it.  This year was going to be a little different...My David wasn't going to be able to make the trip with us.  As much as he wanted to it just wasn't in the bank account for 2 return flight tickets for he and his son.  So that meant neither would come.  In the end, the way life worked, the children and I did make the trip along with David's cremains.  In the end we all got to go.

This summer the trip was only 2 weeks long and on the ride back to Rhode Island just after getting on the road the two kids fell asleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts and my tears. The loss of David is just so huge and painful that I find I cry at the drop of a pin. So this morning, driving, I cried hard and silent, and when I was done I spoke out loud 'I want a sign David, I want to see a heart.  I need this today baby."  Of course immediately I think, I'm driving 12 hours, where the heck am I going to see a heart...ah, the clouds!  So up I look...is that one? No...there? Maybe, no.  I give it a rest and concentrate on driving. Ultimately I forget all about the hunt for the heart and about an hour later on my right a white Toyota Corola pulls past me and I shift my eyes in time to see a HUGE heart drawn in the dirty rear window.  I look back in my lane then almost drive off the road when what my eyes just saw reaches my brain.  A HEART!!!   I am floored, and I am in awe.  This beautiful husband of mine, who is so new to this 'spirit' life of his never ceases to amaze me with the 'signs' he sends me.  It is the only heart I have seen since that very moment.  I asked for it and he gave it to me.  How truly amazing and how truly lucky am I...