Merry Christmas

And in the end I couldn't go. 

Instead I woke up early and gathered all the things I had bought to make at Thanksgiving but never did, and started to cook for GiGi and I.  The sun was shining and with no need to hurry and get ready to be somewhere it was relaxing and it was easy.  I cooked all day while GiGi rearranged her bedroom (what a nightmare).  Dust was flying, posters were ripped down and furniture was moved all around.  Now to put it back...ugh!  Swear words were flying, posters were ripped in half when tacks wouldn't stick in the walls and daggers were shot at me any time I asked if she wanted help.  I loved it!  It has been so long since she has been around, what with her 15 hour days.  She quit one job, did you know?  Do you see her?  Yeah, it was too much and she hit that proverbial wall hard.  It's good though, she needs a little down time and I need her home more.  Yeah...it's good.

When we finally sat to eat we both just looked at each other, exhausted,  and said 'this just all feels so wrong, so weird.' And it's true, while I am thankful for so many things, life for me, for us, right now is just 'flavorless'.  We ate in silence, lost in our own heads.  We have not come to terms with our new world.  Time has moved forward far faster than we have.  All we can do is hold on and try our best to keep up.  We think of how we left our family behind to become a new family here, and now that family is gone too.  We are sad and lonely for our loved ones and on a day when families everywhere are huddled close, making memories and breaking bread together it hits us hard just how deeply we feel our losses.  Just how deeply we miss you my love.  We never even finished our plates.

We miss you David, we struggle with life without you in it, but we want you to know that we had a very good day.  We are thankful for our memories and all that we have.  We love you dearly and you will always be with us.  We are so thankful that you were in our lives and that you loved us in such a big way.  

Merry Christmas my love, I hope your day was a great one.

No Christmas Here

It is just four days away from Christmas, I don't know what I am doing, where I am going or if I will even get out of bed.  Oh, I know I will, I always do...if my eyes are open then I am up.  

It is not Christmas in this house.

We have no tree.

We have no lights.

There is no garland.

Nor holiday cards placed around.  

There are no gifts wrapped and prettily displayed.  

No Christmas songs being sung.

No Christmas cheer at all.

There is no joy here.

I know the life you see here is not what you would want, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want right now.  I can't be happy for you, I can't live the life you would want me to right now. I'm in a hole and I can't get out.  I'm scared to death David, I'm scared because I don't want to live anymore.  I don't want to live without you.  I've done that, I did that...I lived 27 years without you and I did it well.  I was happy and strong and full of life.  I overcame hardships and became better for it.  Life was good...life was great.  Then came you.

You showed me all I had been missing.  You loved me more deeply than I ever thought was possible.  You made me happier than I have ever been in all my life.  You made me want for more and crave it all.  We were so excited about our future and the plans we were making. The moments of our life together were filled with love and lessons and new traditions.  This was it, this was our bliss...what we had longed for our whole lives and never found.   But then we did, in each other and it was so great...lumps and bumps and all.  It was ours and I loved it...I loved you.

So you see, I don't want to do this without you.  I don't want to live a new life, make new memories...nothing.  I want to be with you.  I just want to be with you David.

I don't want to do this anymore.