It seems my life 'after' has revolved around a hole. Weird right? Yeah. But, it's true. When you didn't ever wake up there was just this space, this big HUGE empty space left in my world. Picture the deepest hole where once, you had stood. Do you see it? Well, I woke up in that hole, and spent hours and hours, days, and months trying with everything I had in me to climb out of it. It was exhausting, disorienting, overwhelming and excruciatingly slow. Sometimes I would almost make it to where I could see light but got yanked back down time and time again. The only thing to do was get up and try again, so...I did. And I did and I did and I did.
I'm not sure when I climbed out, but I think I did. At least, and I don't want to say this too loud in case I get pulled back down (I'm having enough trouble with up, I don't think I can handle down again) but I don't feel I am in a constant climb anymore. Nope, now it's more like a circle the rim kind of feeling. I seem to hover just at the edge of dark and light with 'one false move' just laying in wait to push me in.
It's all just so fucked up. I mean what the hell is this crap, this living after loss shit. A manual comes with EVERYTHING...how to strike a match, how to use your blender, how to set up your phone etc, etc, etc. But death and how to do it...nope! And I know there are mountains of books out there, I've read many, but really, and I mean this in the sincerest way possible...THEY SUCK! All the words, all the best advice, all my best intentions to do it 'right' mean nothing. When it hits you, you are no longer in control. No matter how well you want to do this thing...tough. You will do it however 'it' says you will do it.
So yeah, I think I made it out just so I can circle around it. Yippee! And let me just say...walking this path with a full set of tears ALWAYS at the ready is harder than you might think. It's like trying to drive in a rainstorm without ever using the wipers. You can't see shit and you know the edge is near and you must stay away from it and the stress and pain and overwhelm is all just too, too much.
Dear God it's just too much. All I want to do is open my eyes and walk across the room in a straight line towards normal rather than shuffling through a minefield with tears hanging on my eyelids. It's no kind of life...
