I cry

It astonishes me how quick I am to cry, how a simple thought can instantly seize my heart and bring it to unbearable pain. Why not take it to a place of happy memories, why does it have to be only to pain?  

Because I speak of crying so often..."I saw this saying, and I cried...I saw this commercial and I cried...", I think people believe that I sit around all day dwelling on the unfortunate events in my life.  That couldn't be further from the truth though...I do everything in my power to NOT think about it.  I try so hard to find the positive, remember the good times, smile through the hurt. But...this grief thing just doesn't work like that. Not for me it doesn't. 

I was driving home from the gym and an older model (antique) car passed and I thought to myself David would love that.  That's all, short, sweet, simple, right?!?  Not for me.  I think it and instantly I hear very loud waves crashing and have a vision of being under water with bubbles rising in front of my face.  Wait...what?  WTF is that, where did that even come from? I frantically shake my head to dislodge the sounds and images but the mood is ruined and tears are flooding my lap.  Again.

It happens ALL the time.  All. The. Time.  It's crazy and scary and exhausting. 

The Dream - Jan 9th

I don't dream of you...everyone who knows me, knows that...you knew that.  I never was one to dream of my loves unless they were in the doghouse so to say.  I NEVER dream of you. The few times I have since you left you have come through as loving and supporting and helpful. You came through because I needed to see you.

I got up with the alarm to get GiGi off to school and I found her in a puddle of tears.  Apparently after I went to bed she bleached all the color out of her hair because now she wanted dark green...well, you can imagine how it turned out.  I called the school and said she wouldn't be in today as she was sick.  Not really a lie, she is sick over how badly things went.  LOL  Anyway, I went back to my room and jumped under the covers because it was freezing in here and well, I guess I fell asleep, because I dreamt of you.  

I don't know where I was, I didn't recognize my surroundings.  But I came into a room, well it had a floor and walls but there was no ceiling, anyway, you appeared to be going through a dresser or desk, looking for something.  I just stared at your back noticing that you were wearing the shorts and t-shirt you died in, you didn't know I was there until I whispered your name (in shock) and then you turned around.  You didn't smile, your demeanor was off, you didn't mad, just sort of robotic.  I ran, crying, into your arms and held you in utter desperation, but you held be me as though we had never met, as though it was very uncomfortable for you to have this woman running her hands all over your arms and back and head...hanging on to you for dear life.  I saw that you had no shoes on and I said "I need to see your feet, I miss your feet."   I got a brief glimpse before you pulled me back into a hug...but still no 'life' in you.

I was so confused.  Why are you here? What are you looking for? Why are you not happy to see me? You didn't seem to be speaking to me in words, it was more just a feeling that you were communicating with me, but I still don't know what was going on.  I remember turning my head to the left and seeing through the window a bus full of people.  It was an old hippie bus full of people and you said, without moving your lips, they were all like you and that you had to get back to the bus, you just needed something first.  I don't know if you found what you needed but you headed back to the bus saying you would see me soon.  I don't know how you got back to the bus, I didn't see a door or even you moving, I just sensed you went back to the bus.  I waved at one woman who was looking directly at me but she didn't smile or wave back.  Everyone, including you seemed pleasant but not happy.  No enthusiasm, no emotion, it was as though you all had been ordered to be reserved. 

Then the phone woke me up.

Startled awake, I laid there not answering the phone, I was too stunned by how very very real the dream was.  I had never had a dream like that before in my life and I was freaked out.  I must have dozed off again because I found myself back in the dream only this time the scene was different.  Again there were walls but no roof and everything was a kind of off white beige color just like earlier.  I felt that I was now outside but know that I saw a free standing door a little behind me on my right.  I didn't see anyone at first, but I sensed you were there along with everyone I saw on the bus.  I remember feeling that I just wanted to see you, be with you but I wasn't allowed to.  I sensed that I was only allowed to do or see whatever the little slip of folded paper I was holding said I could do. I had the overall feeling that my strong strong emotions and grief were not welcome here... had to behave in a certain manner.  I remember standing thinking that I didn't understand what was going on at all and how lonely I was for you when suddenly you pulled up in a really nice black Mustang car, a girl walked out of the door to my right saying (without speaking) that she was bored and didn't have anything to do so you said, or didn't, "you can come with me" and she got in the car and you drove off.  My loneliness and longing for you was so intense but I wasn't allowed to be with you.  I was so very confused.

And then the scene changed, suddenly I was seeing the outside of a house, a rustic but modern log style home with a beautiful full length front porch.  I sensed that it was my new house and I was moving in with my parents.  Now I'm inside the house leaning against a counter of this very open concept home talking with my Mom and Dad saying 'well, this is it, our new home...isn't it beautiful?"

Then the phone rang again.

I have no idea what the hell that dream was all about.  It didn't feel like a dream, it felt very real.  I feel I was supposed to learn something from it but I have no idea what, I am as confused as ever.   It was definitely not the warm and fuzzy kind of dream I would hope to have. I've been so weirded out by it I haven't even posted this, it's been sitting in drafts waiting to see if there was anything else I could remember.  Other than I DIDN'T LIKE IT, there's nothing though.

Hmmm...WHAT THE HELL?