My Rock, My Wild and Beautiful Tree

Two years...those small words mean nothing to me, other than to count how long I have been crawling, how long I have been lost, how long I have lived inside pain and darkness.  How long I have been fighting without you.  They mean nothing because it still feels like yesterday.  

It is an odd experience, you know...where you poor people died and yet were freed.  Where I and those who loved you were not.  I walk this earth with that day like a ball and chain.  I can not run, I can not hide.  I can only grow accustomed.  But free...never.

I keep a jar on the windowsill, inside are the moments I feel joy.  It hits me every now and again that I have not unscrewed the lid in a while so I make stuff up, I want there to be many moments.  I need there to be many moments.

I miss you both.

Evelyn...I miss your voice, your laugh, your advice.  I miss your face.  I miss your friendship and our talks.  The private moments between just you and me sharing our truths. I miss your crazy.  God how I miss you Eve.  I visit the neck from time to time, I sneak in and then sneak out.  I sit where we sat and I remember the things you told me, the things we said that day.  I remember it all, and I cry.  I cry for you, I cry for me, I cry for your beautiful boy and all the friends you left behind. I cry for your life cut short and your joy being extinguished.  I shake my head then I stand and walk away. I love you sister, my wild and beautiful tree.

My David...The hole inside me grows bigger and I fear that soon I will just collapse inward, never to look out and around again. It scares me huge and I fight it big. every. single. day.  I miss the scent of you. I miss your oh so handsome face. I miss your hands and their touch. I miss your love. I miss being in love. I miss taking care of you. I miss your smile.  I miss your laugh and I miss your voice.  As I write this I feel a little more of me dying. I have yet to reach a place of peace. I have yet to reach life. What I am doing can not be called living, not yet, but I hope some day. I'm working at getting my body stronger then maybe my head will follow.  I love you my sweet man, my rock.  I just so love you.

And still I shake my head in wonder of it all.

When great trees fall,

rocks on distant hills shudder,

lions hunker down

in tall grasses,

and even elephants

lumber after safety.

When great trees fall

in forests,

small things recoil into silence,

their senses

eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,

the air around us becomes

light, rare, sterile.

We breathe, briefly.

Our eyes, briefly,

see with

a hurtful clarity.

Our memory, suddenly sharpened,

examines,

gnaws on kind words

unsaid,

promised walks

never taken.

Great souls die and

our reality, bound to

them, takes leave of us.

Our souls,

dependent upon their

nurture,

now shrink, wizened.

Our minds, formed

and informed by their

radiance,

fall away.

We are not so much maddened

as reduced to the unutterable ignorance

of dark, cold

caves.

And when great souls die,

after a period peace blooms,

slowly and always

irregularly.  Spaces fill

with a kind of

soothing electric vibration.

Our senses, restored, never

to be the same, whisper to us.

They existed.  They existed.

We can be.  Be and be

better.  For they existed.

- Maya Angelou

To Whom It May Concern

I just wanted to say...I know you are hurting too, I know you lost one or two of your friends on that day, and for that I am sorry.  I am sorry for your sadness and the pain you feel, the pain you don't show me.  I know this didn't only happen in my world, it happened in yours too and I wish there was something I could do or say that would make you feel better.  I recognize that I am not alone in this sorrow...and neither are you...we all have each other.  So to EACH and EVERY one of you who relates specifically to this matter...I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for your pain.

PEACE!

See you in my dreams...

I had a dream and you were there.  

I was sitting on a bar stool in a house...bad vibes everywhere.  

You walked through the door, came to me, looked me directly in the face and into my eyes and very strongly and determinedly said "I love you baby."  My first thought was that you stood out clearly and vividly  while the rest of the picture looked as though seeing it through a filter. My response to you was..."then why the rest of this scenario?  This is all wrong, this is not you, what is happening here, why is this all playing out like this?"  The rest was not good for me, it was not real, and I believe it was more a riddle or a skit playing out some of my feelings from when I'm awake.

Since you've been gone I have gone through every imaginable emotion, none sits with me long...an hour tops.  But they have come,  and there are a few that come by a lot...defensiveness, betrayal and manipulation.  Sounds weird, I know, especially under the circumstances but they come on with a vengeance at times and eat at my psyche.  I know our truth though, only we do.  Anyone else that believes they have you, me or us figured out is wrong...they were not here, they are not us, they were not involved in our GREAT MANY conversations...they do not know.  We do and that is all that matters here.

The underlying feeling of the dream was none of this is real it is some kind of riddle and the rest of my time inside this altered state was spent connecting the dots and cracking the code.  I believe it all was your way of showing me you can hear me, you know what is on my mind and you are letting me know that we are together in my thinking.  That is why you approached me 'clearly' at the onset with such determination, to say 'I love you'.  To give me the power to get through the rest knowing full well it was not real, obviously, but a message.

Well I figured out the context and confirmed my thoughts with dream interpretations...long story short...the meaning in a nutshell: 

• To dream of love or being in love suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It refers to your contentment with what you already have and where you are in life. 
• To dream of your lost love represents an idealistic relationship. 
• To dream that you are abandoned suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream indicates you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. It may stem from a  recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream as part of the healing process and dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked.
• To dream that you have been betrayed represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation.  This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time.
• To dream that someone has betrayed you indicates self-pity. You are feeling sorry for yourself

So, there it is I guess.  Even though the betrayal and abandonment was more on your behalf, meaning you've been betrayed, abandoned, it has had a HUGE affect on me and it is something I have been struggling with since your funeral service.  The effects of which I still feel to this day, every day.  

I suppose all of this was your way of telling me it is time for me to put on my big girl panties, put past feelings behind me, let old attitudes go and stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with the healing.  Well shit David a simple 'I love you...now get over yourself' would have sufficed!  

Anyways, thank you for such a clear pronouncement.  Message received.

And babe...I love you too.