The switch

I have walked this road for more than a year and a half, with it's many twists and turns, bumps and crevices, I have trudged on.  

One thing I have come to know is there are very few straight parts.  That is, most of the trip has been like walking in circles, though not just a solitary circle, more like circles that connect for forward progression.  Does that even make ANY sense?  It does to me, I get it, I can see it plain as day.  I see it like seeing an aerial view of on/off ramps on a map.  Do you see it?  Do you have the picture?  Now put millions of them together...THAT is the road I am on.

I know there are many many other nameless, faceless souls on my path, it cannot be only me. I've not met them face to face, we have not spoken, but I know they must be there invisible to the naked eye.  We all have our own walk to walk I suppose.  

There have been periods of time on this journey when the video in my head has been running in slooow motion, it has never stopped but it has slowed down from time to time.  It is in this motion, slow, that I am better able to cope with it, because it moves so slow I see it coming and can redirect my eyes somewhere else, but now, since the calendar started reading 2015 it is like someone has flipped a switch.  Once again the past plays out fast and furious and before I can see it coming I am doubled over with my hands covering my eyes.  I struggle for air and try to get my balance.  It is the craziest thing.  You don't get used to it. It is grief to the millionth power, and it is way bigger than me.

It is pain.  It has knocked me down and I must climb up out of it again.

Will it ever end?