Hello my love

Words are failing me.

For so long I have felt compelled to post to you on facebook.  For so long I have done just that...almost as if it was normal.  Almost as if I were in Arkansas and you were in Rhode Island, like I so often was during our life together.  

Now I'm finding that the words aren't right.  The intention is there, but the words don't mean what I feel.  The words don't come close to describing how I feel.

'I miss you'.  HA.  How ridiculous does that sound?  I miss being able to eat M & M's, I miss watching Friends, I miss my childhood...but miss you?  God, what I'm feeling, the feeling inside me goes so far beyond that and I don't know a word to describe it.

I have become so in tuned to the inside of me, for example...

I can feel my heart.  I can feel exactly where it sits, It feels like a GIGANTIC blob of chewed up bubble gum.  Not fully hardened, but not soft and squishy either...It is sore all the time, it aches like a muscle that has been tormented at the gym.

I can feel my lungs.  They don't seem to work correctly any longer and I find that my breathing is far too shallow.    I have to pay close attention or suddenly I find that I am gasping for air.

My eyes and ears and nose.  I have come to know that they are directly linked to my heart and at any given moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing, a sight, a sound, a smell can send me spiraling downward.  I cannot escape from any of it...it is everywhere...my grief is every which way I turn.

So words like...'I miss you' or 'I love you' are just too foolishly small to describe what I truly am trying to convey. 

I am longing for you...

I am craving you...

I am dieing little by little without you...

I am suffocating for wanting you...

I am breaking into a million little pieces for loving you...

So yeah...I miss you and I love you in a way that can't be communicated well by me

You are adored, you are wished upon, you are longed for and you are cherished.

That's all...

xoxo - Me

The Lock Post is Out!

Inside the last week of July I asked my David to send me a very specific 'sign', one that I had yet to see within this old house of ours.  One he had seen, and our daughter had seen when I am away from here for an extended period, but I had never in our 2 years of living here.  I wanted him to show me the old fashioned lock posts in the 'out' position like he had always claimed happened.  

I never got that answered...what I got instead...or so I thought was a week of hearing his name in just about every single show that I saw on t.v. that week.  As though letting me know he heard me, he's listening, he made his name be the predominant one in every random show I watched. I'm always so amazed by the messages he sends me, I'm always so proud of him for them.

Okay...so, it is 2 weeks later, it is August 12th...a Monday...it is another day in a month of days that I find that I am just not coping well.  I find that the pain is worsening, not getting better.  The visions have returned full force and they are more difficult to shake.  My heart is heavier and my breathing is getting so bad that I find myself sitting forward and gasping for air as if suddenly it dawned on me..."I'm not breathing".  UGH!  I have to do something, this can't go on, I don't want to do this anymore, I want my husband so desperately, I want my life, I want what we had...it was not perfect, but it was ours.  We built it and I loved it, all of it...the good the bad and the ugly.  I want my husband, and I want my friend.  I want to wake up from this freaking damn nightmare. PLEASE.  So,  I sign up and make a commitment to a 7 week bereavement boot camp.  It's a small step, but at least it is a step forward rather than backward.  I have my marching orders for this first week.  Reading, affirmations and a challenge.  I'm on my way!  This is a significant day.

It's 11pm and I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, when I shut the door behind me I hear a solid thud.  I turn to look to see what just happened and am rendered motionless, speechless...the post inside the door is in the 'out' position!  I'm just staring at it, I can't move, all I can do is look and look and look.  I do not believe it.  I'm suspicious.  Someone is really messing with me and I'm not believing what I am seeing.  I run to my daughter's room and ask her if she left the 'lock post out'...what post, where? she asks.  I say "Gillian, the lock for the bathroom door, it's out...did you do that."  "Oh...No, remember when we started eating I went in there and came out and started to say something to you but then said I'll tell you later...that was it.  I saw that when I went in but didn't fix it because I wanted you to finally see it for yourself because we always told you about it and you kept saying 'well I never see it'...so humph."   She has no idea the significance of this for me, so I tell her.  With a tear in her eye she says to me "he's here mom, he heard you."  I just back out of her room and go into mine and lie down and mull this whole thing over, she swears she didn't do it, she saw it too.  I said if I saw it I would NEVER doubt his signs, his messages...but even this one might just be too much for me.  

I turn out the light and go to sleep thinking to myself that this HUGE sign has to be David's way of telling me he knows of the boot camp, he knows of my struggles and he wants me to know he is here with me through it all.

I choose to believe.

I love you my boyfriend, my husband, my David.  Oh how I do.