I had a conversation with my son Eric the other day. He was telling me that he had driven by Grammy & Grampa's mailbox and noticed that Grammy had repainted it and it looked really beautiful. He had wanted to stop in and tell her but he was in the middle of a 4-wheeler ride with a large group of people from church, so he couldn't, but he would for sure call her and tell her later. Sweet kid.
After hanging up the phone I thought to myself what a beautiful heart this child has. I mean really, how many 14 year old boys do you know would pay attention to a design on a mailbox? Unless of course it was painted like an X-Box controller or something. HA! He paid enough attention to be able to bring it up hours later in a conversation. I can't really even recall what the mailbox looked like before it's new paint job and I was just out there for 2 months. Really sweet kid.
A few nights later we talked again. He told me all about how school was going and life in general. His best friend, his dog Sammy, got sprayed by a skunk. Oh No!!! Eeeeew. He said he had opened the front door and Sam just casually walked out and over to inspect this dark spot in the yard and that's when it happened...Blam...lethal doses of yuck filled the air and wrapped itself around poor curious Sam. UGH And then the chore to un-stink the stink began. So so glad I was not there for this part of his life's adventure.
As conversation was winding down I asked him, as I always do, "Is there anything else you want to talk about, anything else going on?"
Not really he says, then quickly adds, "well there is one kind of bad thing." My gut immediately twists...
"okay, lay it on me" I say.
He says, "remember when I went on that 4-wheeler ride and I saw Grammy painted her mailbox?" Yes. "Well, I forgot to call her and tell her I like it. I really wanted to tell her because how would she ever know someone liked it, who else will even see it, and who would call and say it's pretty to her? I feel bad I forgot to call her. I wanted to make her happy."
I don't say anything. I can't. My heart has swelled so huge that it cuts off my airway and my words can't make their way out. Who is this child of mine, this love of my life. God he is such a good good boy.
Get a grip Kristen, say something. "Oh honey, that's okay. Only you know you didn't call, she won't be hurt because she didn't know. And anyways, after 4 hours riding 4-wheelers in the blistering heat and dust, it's no wonder you didn't remember. Don't give it another thought. You are so kind to think of it though."
"Yeah", he says. Dad's driving me over as soon as we hang up here. I cut her a big bunch of our Sunflower's and I'm gonna run in real quick and give them to her and tell her the mailbox is beautiful."
"You are? Right now?"
"Yup, we're headed into town but I wanted to do this first before I forget again."
I'm stunned. All I can say is "I love you so very much Eric, you have a really good heart. You are such a nice boy, you are thoughtful and kind and caring of others. I'm so lucky God gave you to me. You are about to make Grammy very happy today. Please tell them I say hello and hug them for me, okay?"
"I will mumma, well I need to go so we can get over there and into town before it gets too late." "Okay handsome, love you and I'll call in a few days. Be safe! Bye babe." "By mumma." I hear kissing sounds and then a dial tone. He always kisses me through the phone. I am so in love with this boy!
I sit thinking about his heart, the one that is planted inside the vehicle that is his body. I know, strange, but since I lost my husband I tend to think things on a much deeper level. I am always saying/thinking my son has a really good heart. But...isn't a heart just an organ? It pumps blood, and that is all?
It can't be a heart that is good. Right? Oh, I know, it is good, in the sense of the job it has of keeping the vehicle alive. Kind of like the roots of a tree. Without them the tree would die. So if this is true then do we not attach too much emotional significance to the heart? Is it really not just an organ? No one says "you have a good liver", or kidney or spleen. Right? Are they not kind of the same thing...all organs that help run the machine that is our body?
What happens then when the heart dies? If the heart is all that was good in a person, as we so often attribute it, then when that vehicle stops being alive all is lost? It can't be. That goes against everything we have ever been taught. Right? It does. Whether you agree or not.
It's the soul that is good then, not the heart, right? It is the soul that is the light of our being. It is the soul that drives the vehicle that is our physical body. Not the heart. So why do we all say things like...bless his/her heart, he/she has such a good heart, when what we really should do is replace the word heart with soul. Am I right?
And who is it that decided love is the shape of a Valentine's heart? Is it because to picture love as the venous muscle that it really is would be gross? Is this muscle even really where all emotions live? No. I think it's the soul. It has to be. I can't bear to think that when the love of my life died all his feelings and emotions stopped when his heart did. That would mean...that would mean...no, I can't think it and I can't say it. It is the soul then. The soul makes someone good and kind and loving, the soul is where all emotions dwell. It is the soul that is energy and light which carries on once the heart stops beating so then the heart really is just a muscle. Got it!
We have all just been saying it wrong all our lives. Bless his heart...he has such a good heart. Maybe so...but the soul is the thing. The soul is the real deal.
The soul is where it's at.
