A letter to heaven

Dear David, 

I haven't talked to you in so long I figured I would write.  In fact the last words I said to you were
"I love you", not sure if you heard me...but I screamed it loud.

Things sure have changed for us wouldn't you say?  A year and a half has passed since we laid eyes on each other, held hands...kissed.  So much time apart.  And we thought we had fixed that...being away from each other, out of each others lives.  Oh how we were wrong!  

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not really me anymore.  I tried, but she's gone, I think you took her with you.  Who I am now has yet to be determined.  I don't look the same, I don't talk the same, I don't think the same and I don't do the same.  I'm stuck in a black place between the light and the dark, a place between living and not.  I carry on, don't get me wrong.  Our house is clean, our bills are paid,  and our kids are well.  Occasions are observed, functions are attended and our families are appeased.  I've kept up with it all, I've done it all...but not really. My heart isn't in it, as there isn't one to give, I gave it to you a long time ago.  I function now like a robot, I work off of memory.  I don't know for how much longer I can do it though, what little life I have in me is waning.  My will to survive is about spent.

I need you David.  I need you to talk to me and help me fight.  We always talked, remember? We would face whatever there was head on and figure a way through it, together.  I'm alone now, but I still need you.  You calmed me and helped me to 'let go' a little, you were the soft to my hard, the laugh to my smile, the joy to my sorrow.  You were my everything love, and I don't know how to live without you, I don't even want to.

I wonder often where you are and what you are doing. I wonder what you think and what you feel. Are you sad? Happy? Do you feel like me? I hope with all the hope I have that you are well. That you are content and that when you look back on our time together you feel good. I know you wish me the same, and I do, look back and feel good. The rest though I haven't quite mastered, the living is where I have trouble.  I'm in dire straits.

I wanted to tell you though, I love you, and thank you.  Thank you for the life we had. Thank you for loving me the way you did and making me feel like I was the most perfect human being on the planet...for you.  Thank you for bringing me back to me, for showing me I was so much more than a Mom.  Thank you for your laughter and your silly antics and your goofy side.  Thank you for loving my children with your whole heart and for being the Daddy Gillian never had.  She loves you fiercely and hurts for you hard.  Thank you for sharing your boys with me, I love them like my own, I love them enough to let them go and be.  And mostly David...thank you for our story.  It is a treasure among treasures and I will never forget one single moment of it.  Not the part that began when we were children and not when we picked back up as adults.  It is one for the ages I believe and it means the world to me.  You enriched my life in more ways than I could ever express and you taught me about myself.  I have never had anyone love me the way you did, nor will I probably ever again.  I am blessed to have known that if only for a little while.

Wherever you are and whatever you are doing I hope that you will always find me, smile, and remember when...

I love you David John Machado, I love you big.  Please help me to be well again.

The Penny

We've been home from Arkansas now for a week.  There is no food in the house so I guess it's time to hit the market.  Once inside the store the sky opens up and the floodgates are let loose. It is raining so hard everyone in the store is looking out the windows at the their car...way out there in the rain.  Crap!

I finish my list and hit the register...as usual I let several 2, 3, 4 item people cut in front of me. My good deed for the day...I'm bagging my own items while the cashier is ringing up a man who was behind me.  I can hear that he has come up short on money for his items, not much, but even if it is a penny it is horrifying when it is you that it happens to.  I immediately reach in my wallet and give the cashier what she needs and the man just looks at me and his eyes and his mouth say 'Thank You'.  I tell him it was my pleasure and go back to what I was doing.  He leaves.

Now it is my turn to brave the rapids which once was a parking lot.   And me being me...I parked as far away as I could.  My only form of exercise these days.  I start to run but one step out from under the overhang and I realize that is pointless, so I shrug my shoulders burst out laughing and walk to my car.  I use the word 'soaked' lightly...I am drenched!  And it is very funny to me.  I notice a little older man running with his one bag to his truck as I turn to place my first bag in the trunk...when I look up he is standing at my cart and handing me one bag at a time for me to put inside.  I thank him so many times it is now silly.  I am so struck that this gentleman is willing to get 'drenched' with me just so he can help me.  I feel very very happy and light inside.   We are done...I thank him and he leaves.  I go put the cart back where it belongs and start running back to my car and it is there right in front of me...a brand new shiny penny...just for me. I will believe this is David letting me know he sent the help just when I needed it most.  

I am a lucky girl and I adore my husband.