Where have I been?

When I'm at my worst I can't write, I have no words.  Not a one.

The only thing to say is I am broken...so very broken.  But who cares, who wants to read that. Really.  If I don't even want to say it anymore, then who would even want to know it.  So noone knows. Noone really knows anything about me.

I am drowning in the visions, but I can't say that really.  I mean come on, after everything, can I say that?  God, who the F cares what I say right?!?

I am so way the freak more messed up than I can say and I don't know how to move on from it. I don't even know how to speak of it, I wouldn't know what to say. I don't think we are given the tools to really really show our true selves. It's all so damn fake, the smiles, the conversations, the goings on...we pretend magnificently!!! What are we afraid of?  Do we fear we will get blood on the carpet? That our raw will attract flies? Hmm, I just don't know.

Maybe it is for fear of being judged.  Fear of seeing that 'look' on another's face. Maybe it is fear of the platitudes or the misguided advice. Maybe it is that you will bleed all over the carpet and still the world will keep spinning.  That you will hear that infamous pin drop right before your friend says "Well, anyone for more wine?"  I mean what else could be said under the circumstances?  It just seems that once I stand up and unzip my facade and step outside it, speak the ugly truth (the only truth) there should be some monumental chain reaction that follows. Earth stops, everything slides off it into nothingness.  The End.

My life is far to heavy for me to carry, it's too hard and I do not want to do it any more. All the time I have thoughts that I am done now, my time has come, it is over for me...there is no point. I just can't find the time to leave, which is hysterical considering all of the free time I do have. Really. freaking. hysterical.

I'm not laughing.

So where have I been?  I've been right here where you left me, alone, 163 out of 168 hours a week.  

I'm not laughing.