Tell Me

I figured if, at any time in this experience, I was able to laugh, smile, feel joy, that eventually those moments would knit themselves together and create a new ground for me to walk on. That the 'new ground' would become the base for me to build a new life upon. 

That is what I figured, but I don't think it has happened that way.  I don't feel it. I'm not living, merely existing.

I still cry going to and from get-togethers, I still shake my head to dislodge the visions, I still struggle with the fact that it even happened...the accident. And worst of all, I honestly don't feel I have truly, fully accepted and mourned the deaths of you and Evelyn. Especially Evelyn. And me, looking my own death in the face, and then not. That what happened really, in all it's horrificness, happened. That what I saw and survived really actually happened. It is still a very real fear that if I 'go there' I will never come back.

I've wondered about my visions, about why they won't stop. And the sounds, the tremendous roar of the ocean, the screams, the wind, and the sputtering and choking...it's all too much. And yet I am thankful that I no longer smell it, because for many months after, I saw, heard and smelled that day.  What I've wondered is, are these sights and sounds in some ways like hands pulling me back to the beginning, insisting that I go frame by frame...moment by moment through it all again in order for it to become absorbed as it should be. I've wondered, but I'm not willing.  Do you think I should?

There are days I think my brain will surely explode with all that is going on in there. I hold my temples often thinking 'how do I make it stop'?  I'm not one for a 'quick fix' pill for anything in life, but I believe if there was one to make the brain train stop, I would swallow it happily.

Do you see me David? I know you probably don't recognize me but I thought maybe the heartstrings let you know it's me.  That under all this rubble the heart that loves you and misses you and longs for you is still there beating it's song meant only for you.

Come find me love, find me once again and tell me what to do.

Tell me how to keep going...

This hole that I feel

Since our day on that rock I have been in a perpetual state of 'lost and overwhelm'.  I mean I know where I am, which is nowhere, but really I'm just going in circles here.

It seems my life 'after' has revolved around a hole. Weird right? Yeah. But, it's true. When you didn't ever wake up there was just this space, this big HUGE empty space left in my world.  Picture the deepest hole where once, you had stood. Do you see it?  Well, I woke up in that hole, and spent hours and hours, days, and months trying with everything I had in me to climb out of it. It was exhausting, disorienting, overwhelming and excruciatingly slow. Sometimes I would almost make it to where I could see light but got yanked back down time and time again. The only thing to do was get up and try again, so...I did. And I did and I did and I did.

I'm not sure when I climbed out, but I think I did.  At least, and I don't want to say this too loud in case I get pulled back down (I'm having enough trouble with up, I don't think I can handle down again) but I don't feel I am in a constant climb anymore.  Nope, now it's more like a circle the rim kind of feeling. I seem to hover just at the edge of dark and light with 'one false move' just laying in wait to push me in.

It's all just so fucked up. I mean what the hell is this crap, this living after loss shit. A manual comes with EVERYTHING...how to strike a match, how to use your blender, how to set up your phone etc, etc, etc.  But death and how to do it...nope!  And I know there are mountains of books out there, I've read many, but really, and I mean this in the sincerest way possible...THEY SUCK!  All the words, all the best advice, all my best intentions to do it 'right' mean nothing. When it hits you, you are no longer in control. No matter how well you want to do this thing...tough.  You will do it however 'it' says you will do it.

So yeah, I think I made it out just so I can circle around it. Yippee!  And let me just say...walking this path with a full set of tears ALWAYS at the ready is harder than you might think.  It's like trying to drive in a rainstorm without ever using the wipers. You can't see shit and you know the edge is near and you must stay away from it and the stress and pain and overwhelm is all just too, too much. 

Dear God it's just too much.  All I want to do is open my eyes and walk across the room in a straight line towards normal rather than shuffling through a minefield with tears hanging on my eyelids.  It's no kind of life...

49

I had a birthday.

Another one you were not here for. The third one actually.

I am 49.  An age you never saw for yourself. One age before the big one...50.

You were dreading getting older, you spoke of it often in the months before you died. I could tell you were going to be one of those people who got depressed over the progression of time. You were a sensitive and troubled soul.

You told me often you were going to die young. It wasn't until after the third or so time that I started to take notice for real. For me it was hurtful. Why would you keep telling me such a thing after I just found you again and committed the rest of my life to you. It's not like you were gently trying to warn me of what to expect in the near future.  It was more like 'woe is me...I'm not long for this world'.  Once I yelled at you about it.  Remember?

I had finally had enough of hearing it.  "Would you please stop saying that?  You say it all the time, too much actually. Are you trying to hurt my feelings?  Because that is what you are doing every time you say that.  It would kill me if it happened okay?  So just stop saying it".  Then I left the room and stood at the sink and washed a few glasses.  You came up behind me and hugged me for dear life and said "I'm sorry".  That was it. End of conversation.

And then you did. You freaking fracking frocking did. Just wow.

So now I am 49, which you never were, and I have been dreaming for a week of everyone dying. I never dream but now I am and it's only of death.

Happy Birthday to me!

Hello My Love

It has become cold, having just left summer and entered fall.  Leaves haven't started turning just yet, at least not many have.  Today it is pouring.  Well, actually the past 4 days it has poured water onto the ground. We needed it though.

It all started with the coolest sky I have ever seen...the full super moon solar eclipse.  Did you see it?  I wondered. Do you still see what I see? I remember when I used to travel and you would be here, we talked of how even though we were far apart all we had to do was look up and know that we each were seeing the exact same picture.  Somehow it made the distance seem not so big.  Silly, I guess, but comforting.

I watched for this red moon for hours thinking of the last super moon and how we kept running to the windows to see it and take pictures.  And I recalled the nights we sat on the back porch of our first apartment, all snuggled up under blankets, candles all around. We would stare into the sky talking of how vastly different it was from an Ozark sky.  You would point out the satellite skimming across every so many minutes and I wondered why I NEVER knew of it before you. You taught me that.  And of course, all of this made me miss you terribly once again.  Looking up has a way of making you feel tiny and insignificant.

I've been sick this week, seems I picked up something at Kate's on Sunday. Sitting with her I noticed I was getting more and more stuffed up, I was hoping it was just from a burning candle, but it stayed with me and by Monday night I was down for the count.  Didn't sleep a wink with a screaming raw throat, finally fell asleep around 5am and proceeded to stay asleep for 22 hours. Scared the crap out of me when I woke up two days later.  It made a world of difference though, I'm not tip top but I'm upright and awake!  

Last night I laid here on the couch thinking how crummy I felt and how hungry I was and how I SO did not want to get up and find and cook something but I'm alone, this is my life and this is how it is.  I have no one to look out for me or after me and no one to help me when I need it. There is no one to make me feel safe in this world anymore, you took that away when you left...you took many things with you when you left.  So many things.

I didn't want to get married, do you remember?  I mentioned it during one of our MANY phone conversations before we were ever face to face. I had been through such physical, mental and emotional hell during my 10 years in the Ozarks and I had erected such a fortress around my heart and soul. I had fought so hard for some kind of normal and happy with my two little babies and it worked. I learned to push all feelings and emotions down deep so that all that would show was happy and strong and thriving. My kids needed that from me. I made a good life for us far removed from society, we were happy, we were great in fact, at least as far as the children were concerned. In me though there was a whole world of missing going on. A whole big wide world. 

And then came you.

With one phone conversation you turned my little well built life upside down. In one hour you had managed to crack a brick in the walls I had built. That world of missing, I could hear it in your voice and it brought me to my knees because it reminded me of wanting. Nine months after that first phone call, knowing I didn't want to get married, you asked me anyway. You said 'I lost you once, I can't let that happen ever again'. How could I say no...three months later we were husband and wife. I finally knew what it was to feel safe, to feel cherished, to feel like I had one person in this whole entire world that would be by my side through great moments in life and the tragedies that come too. I felt so so safe knowing that you would be with me in those hard times and I wouldn't have to face them alone. I never dreamed the first tragedy to come for me would be your death and Evelyn's death.  My girlfriend died and you were not there for me to turn to, to help get me through. You couldn't hold me while I cried from the pain.  My husband died and she was not there to offer her always comforting words. To come running without being asked.  All of this happened seven weeks shy of our third year of marriage.  You made me take my walls down, my safety barrier, and then you left me alone.  I no longer feel safe or secure.  I don't even have the kids to distract me...they are grown.  I am on my own now learning to deal with the good the bad and the ugly all by myself. I haven't fully dealt with your death, I have mostly pushed it down deep inside.  And Evelyn, Heh, I almost can't even bear to begin that journey.  Dear God, how could I. If I can't sit in the reality of you drowning before my eyes how the hell am I supposed to sit in it with her.  As for my own near miss, ugh, that is a whole other issue.  And being the only survivor...forget about it.  I know I have only been grieving the loss of you, your absence from me and our life.  I haven't even begun to put into perspective the events of that day.  I'm not sure I will ever be strong enough for that.

Do you think I miss you love? Pouring these stupid thoughts out here like I can put a stamp on it and mail it to you. I suppose just thinking the thoughts gets them to you.  Who really knows.  I love you David, still, always.  You must know that in a head full of 10 words 7 of them are about you, right? Okay then...signing off.

Peace to you

P/S -  Please put your arms around Evelyn and hold her and hug her hard for me.  Tell her I love her so much and I miss her laugh and her face. Tell her I am so sorry we came to see her that day...we never should have gone.

Who is this me?

We are now in the midst of the second summer without you.  Life is so not the same anymore.

In the quiet moments, which they almost all are, I find myself realizing that I feel I no longer belong anywhere.  

For ten and a half years I belonged in AR raising two small children, teaching them how to read and write and do puzzles.  Teaching them about the earth and nature and that life does not exist inside a television set or hidden in electronics...it is outside in the world.  It is in the moments with family and friends.  And so that is where my children and I could be found every single day, rain or shine, snow or sun...outside and with family and with friends.  

Our summers were spent on the river.  I would crawl out of bed at the ass crack of dawn and do all the things that needed doing before packing a giant beach bag full of granola, fruit, drinks, yogurt and sometimes lunch meat, towels, books, water toys and water and dog food. Then, time to wake the kids and start our day.  

Then came you.

You picked me up and carried me twenty seven hundred miles away.  You taught me I was so much more than only a mother, to you I was everything.  I was your girlfriend, your love, your wife.  Our life together was just beginning, it was so brand new.  Now I belonged here. 

I worked so hard learning to balance a new life here while trying to continue to nurture a little life left there.  You worked so hard to let me...to make it possible for me to try.  You worked so hard at learning to share me and be without me.  We worked so hard.  

I never told you, never once, just how difficult all of it was for me.  Leaving my son behind, leaving you behind, it was tearing me apart but I held on as best I could.  Each time I left you was so very painful, but I was learning to live with the feeling of being pulled in two directions.  I was the chew toy in the middle of two dogs wanting dominance.  But still I belonged somewhere.

Now, I don't belong there and I don't belong here, yet here I am.  I don't know who I am anymore. I've no idea what I want or where I want to be.  Recently someone asked me "what do you want?"  and I honestly couldn't answer...what I want I can't have, where I want to be I can not go.

I don't belong anywhere, my path has dead ended, my dreams have died, my love is lost and I am left all alone.  I do not recognize myself at all.

I am so lost.

Rumi

To live without you is to be

robbed of love and what is life

without it?  To live without you

is death to me my love, but

some call it life.

Thinking, or not...

We are 15 days into the new year and 10 days into month 8.

I sit her shaking my head in order to scatter the visions forming...it happens so often still, it feels like second nature now.  The head shaking that is.

I've been trying to think of what I have learned from all this, but my mind is too noisy to think.  I am not in that place yet, that place of calm reflection, because I can't think of a thing.  I still play what if from time to time and I long for the day when I don't.

I still ask 'what happened?' pretty regularly.  As if actually seeing the moment you fell...the moment Evelyn hit her head would provide me with the peace I am craving.  I know, where my smart resides, that seeing those precise moments would not make a difference.  I would still be asking 'what happened'?  I want reasons, yet I know too that no reason could make up for the fact that you two are gone.  What does matter in my world is that you are gone from my every day.  It is an unbearable thought.  It tears at my soul over and over and over again.

I do know this...I am not me.  I have changed so drastically, I fear you can not recognize me...why you don't come to me with signs anymore.  Why Evelyn has never come to me.  You can not find me.

A lot of death has come to my life in eight short months David.  A lot of hurt lives inside me.

The death of you, the death of me, and the subsequent loss of our life together.  Our dreams, our future, our story that we were still writing.  The death of Evelyn, my dear sweet sister friend, and the friendship we had been building over the past three years.  My Jewels, the sweet little four legged friend who was by my side for twelve long years. There is not a memory in all that time that she is not a part of.  She was with me through all that came at me in those years, she was a good good dog.  Millie is gone too, 17 years of companionship, memories, hikes, rides, puppies...life.  She was a dear dear dog and her loss is hard for many.  And finally my little Fluffy.  HA...who would have thought I could love a rat!  I remember when we got her.  I drove home as if there were a tarantula loose in the car and when I pulled in the driveway you were washing your car...I jumped out and warned you to brace yourself.  But within the hour she had found a place in my heart. I know you thought I was a little loopy!  I know you did!  She would sit on the porch with us enjoying the spring sun and sips of wine.  And on the couch with us at night snuggling under the blanket when it was chilly...she was a dear sweet little critter and I miss her a ton.  Yes, a lot of death has come to my world.

There is still so much work to be done.

No Christmas Here

It is just four days away from Christmas, I don't know what I am doing, where I am going or if I will even get out of bed.  Oh, I know I will, I always do...if my eyes are open then I am up.  

It is not Christmas in this house.

We have no tree.

We have no lights.

There is no garland.

Nor holiday cards placed around.  

There are no gifts wrapped and prettily displayed.  

No Christmas songs being sung.

No Christmas cheer at all.

There is no joy here.

I know the life you see here is not what you would want, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want right now.  I can't be happy for you, I can't live the life you would want me to right now. I'm in a hole and I can't get out.  I'm scared to death David, I'm scared because I don't want to live anymore.  I don't want to live without you.  I've done that, I did that...I lived 27 years without you and I did it well.  I was happy and strong and full of life.  I overcame hardships and became better for it.  Life was good...life was great.  Then came you.

You showed me all I had been missing.  You loved me more deeply than I ever thought was possible.  You made me happier than I have ever been in all my life.  You made me want for more and crave it all.  We were so excited about our future and the plans we were making. The moments of our life together were filled with love and lessons and new traditions.  This was it, this was our bliss...what we had longed for our whole lives and never found.   But then we did, in each other and it was so great...lumps and bumps and all.  It was ours and I loved it...I loved you.

So you see, I don't want to do this without you.  I don't want to live a new life, make new memories...nothing.  I want to be with you.  I just want to be with you David.

I don't want to do this anymore.

A Dream

This morning I dreamt of you...second time ever and first time that you were a main character.

The tone of the dream seemed rushed.  I was frantically walking all over the place looking for something and you were helping me I guess.  I know you were dead, yet I could see you with me.  I could touch you and kiss you and talk to you.

At one point I was standing among some people outside an old abandoned hospital and a woman said we're going to turn it into an apartment building, I remember saying 'wow, that's gonna be a shitload of apartments'. Writing this now I am thinking that the hospital is the last place all of us last saw our loved ones and now it is like a ghost town and being turned into apartments for all of us to live in.  Strange.

We were walking with a group down a road, I think we were looking for Evelyn because I remember telling the people that it wasn't only you I watched disappear but Evelyn too, and stopped to go into a store, you held the door open for us and I noticed you were wearing your Vans but there was a hole in the right one and your toe was poking through, you weren't wearing socks.  That wasn't like you at all.  Inside you were showing me something on a laptop, I remember seeing your hand, your finger touched a spot on the laptop screen and I realized you were teaching me something and I was amazed that I was still learning things from you even though you were dead.   I felt so much crushing and overwhelming love for you. 

Sometimes you were with me, and sometimes you weren't.  I was so messed up because I knew you were dead but I could still see you.  I was in the building that was being converted into apartments and there was a woman in one of the rooms, I think she had lost her son, I think we had been searching for him too now that I write this.  I told her I lost someone too, two someones to be exact...she said she could tell because I was so miserable and sad and my pain was written all over my face.  I asked her if she could tell when sometimes I was kind of okay.  She said yes.  I told her that was because it was then that you were with me and I could see you and talk to you and touch you.  It was all wrong though...I was still heartbroken because you were dead.

Just as I'm writing this, trying to figure out what it all means...I am remembering that last night I was thinking about how I miss our time together so desperately. That I have sat on this couch and eaten dinner by myself most every night for seven months.  How much I loved to massage your hands and feet at night.   How freaking lonely I am and that I have moved into such a deep dark place of sadness.  How long it has been since I have any big sign from you.  How I was thinking to myself that all I really want is to be with you.

I guess not understanding what the dream meant isn't the important part...what is important is that I recognize parts of my real life inside the dream.  I guess that means you are with me and you can hear my thoughts...and that is pretty extraordinary.

Thank you David.  Thank you for coming to me when I'm needing you most.  I'm not doing well and knowing you are here helping me as best you can means a lot to me.  I miss you so very much love...so very much.

August 20th

Gillian has been gone for days now...off visiting with a friend.  I can't tell you how lonely and empty this house is.  How lonely and empty I am.  I'm at such a loss for words, I miss you so so much David.  I miss our life...I miss everything.  I look at your picture and shake my head because I SO don't understand what has happened here.  I am a very lost soul.

See you in my dreams...

I had a dream and you were there.  

I was sitting on a bar stool in a house...bad vibes everywhere.  

You walked through the door, came to me, looked me directly in the face and into my eyes and very strongly and determinedly said "I love you baby."  My first thought was that you stood out clearly and vividly  while the rest of the picture looked as though seeing it through a filter. My response to you was..."then why the rest of this scenario?  This is all wrong, this is not you, what is happening here, why is this all playing out like this?"  The rest was not good for me, it was not real, and I believe it was more a riddle or a skit playing out some of my feelings from when I'm awake.

Since you've been gone I have gone through every imaginable emotion, none sits with me long...an hour tops.  But they have come,  and there are a few that come by a lot...defensiveness, betrayal and manipulation.  Sounds weird, I know, especially under the circumstances but they come on with a vengeance at times and eat at my psyche.  I know our truth though, only we do.  Anyone else that believes they have you, me or us figured out is wrong...they were not here, they are not us, they were not involved in our GREAT MANY conversations...they do not know.  We do and that is all that matters here.

The underlying feeling of the dream was none of this is real it is some kind of riddle and the rest of my time inside this altered state was spent connecting the dots and cracking the code.  I believe it all was your way of showing me you can hear me, you know what is on my mind and you are letting me know that we are together in my thinking.  That is why you approached me 'clearly' at the onset with such determination, to say 'I love you'.  To give me the power to get through the rest knowing full well it was not real, obviously, but a message.

Well I figured out the context and confirmed my thoughts with dream interpretations...long story short...the meaning in a nutshell: 

• To dream of love or being in love suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It refers to your contentment with what you already have and where you are in life. 
• To dream of your lost love represents an idealistic relationship. 
• To dream that you are abandoned suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream indicates you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. It may stem from a  recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream as part of the healing process and dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked.
• To dream that you have been betrayed represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation.  This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time.
• To dream that someone has betrayed you indicates self-pity. You are feeling sorry for yourself

So, there it is I guess.  Even though the betrayal and abandonment was more on your behalf, meaning you've been betrayed, abandoned, it has had a HUGE affect on me and it is something I have been struggling with since your funeral service.  The effects of which I still feel to this day, every day.  

I suppose all of this was your way of telling me it is time for me to put on my big girl panties, put past feelings behind me, let old attitudes go and stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with the healing.  Well shit David a simple 'I love you...now get over yourself' would have sufficed!  

Anyways, thank you for such a clear pronouncement.  Message received.

And babe...I love you too.

August 7th

Extreme highs
Immensely low lows
lost time 
lost love
lost
lost
lost
smiling 
then not
crying
then not
alone
but not
yet am
breathing
but not
alive
yet not
but trying

I'm trying love, and I'm doing, and I'm inching my way through.  I just pray you will be by my side through this journey, you said you would be by my side for the rest of my life...I know I can't see you now, but I hope you are still there.

I love you David and I miss you big.