I hope you are well

Someone said to me...I hope you are well.

If being honest, I don't know how to answer that.

I've read books, I've read posts from other widows, I've read memes, where positivity reigns and higher powers carry you through the fire. The warmth of the sun lifts your spirits and memories heal your heart.

Well, I can't seem to catch the magic. Memories barely make me smile, right before I feel a rip inside my chest. Music makes my spirit soar just before it spirals down and crashes back into me and takes my breath away. The sun lights my world right before my skin turns cold and reminds me I am alone in this world, alone with my feelings, alone with my thoughts...alone with my longing for you.  Oh how I long for you, Lord have mercy.

I can't get past the want, the missing, the longing for you. For everything about you, for everything about us. I miss the other half of my memories, the other half that makes a whole thought...that makes sense. David, I miss you loving me. I miss the way your love made me feel. I miss that me so very badly. God how I miss that girl.

So, maybe I don't have the words to say how I am.

But you...well, I hope you are well, even if I'm not. xoxo

This hole that I feel

Since our day on that rock I have been in a perpetual state of 'lost and overwhelm'.  I mean I know where I am, which is nowhere, but really I'm just going in circles here.

It seems my life 'after' has revolved around a hole. Weird right? Yeah. But, it's true. When you didn't ever wake up there was just this space, this big HUGE empty space left in my world.  Picture the deepest hole where once, you had stood. Do you see it?  Well, I woke up in that hole, and spent hours and hours, days, and months trying with everything I had in me to climb out of it. It was exhausting, disorienting, overwhelming and excruciatingly slow. Sometimes I would almost make it to where I could see light but got yanked back down time and time again. The only thing to do was get up and try again, so...I did. And I did and I did and I did.

I'm not sure when I climbed out, but I think I did.  At least, and I don't want to say this too loud in case I get pulled back down (I'm having enough trouble with up, I don't think I can handle down again) but I don't feel I am in a constant climb anymore.  Nope, now it's more like a circle the rim kind of feeling. I seem to hover just at the edge of dark and light with 'one false move' just laying in wait to push me in.

It's all just so fucked up. I mean what the hell is this crap, this living after loss shit. A manual comes with EVERYTHING...how to strike a match, how to use your blender, how to set up your phone etc, etc, etc.  But death and how to do it...nope!  And I know there are mountains of books out there, I've read many, but really, and I mean this in the sincerest way possible...THEY SUCK!  All the words, all the best advice, all my best intentions to do it 'right' mean nothing. When it hits you, you are no longer in control. No matter how well you want to do this thing...tough.  You will do it however 'it' says you will do it.

So yeah, I think I made it out just so I can circle around it. Yippee!  And let me just say...walking this path with a full set of tears ALWAYS at the ready is harder than you might think.  It's like trying to drive in a rainstorm without ever using the wipers. You can't see shit and you know the edge is near and you must stay away from it and the stress and pain and overwhelm is all just too, too much. 

Dear God it's just too much.  All I want to do is open my eyes and walk across the room in a straight line towards normal rather than shuffling through a minefield with tears hanging on my eyelids.  It's no kind of life...

Losing Ground

I can feel the rungs of this ladder that I'm on, break away with each step. I can feel myself losing ground.

This is not a life...I am not living.  I breathe because my body does not know how not to, but I am not alive. I am just fooling everyone. 

It's been two years.  Two damn years and I cannot get past this feeling of soul sucking sorrow. I am slowly slipping away.

I can tell you the constant visions stopped, so there is that. That peace came at the two year mark. I still see it all, hear it all, but NOTHING like it was, so yeah...there is that.

I miss you love.  All I do is slip around this house like a ghost, a ghost of the person I was before. I still look out the window in the bathroom like I used to do when I knew you would be coming home.  I would watch you pull in and stop to get the mail. You were so damn handsome with your sunglasses on and your work clothes. You never knew I was there with my heart overflowing, did you? I still look but you don't come. Nothing is the same here, now it is silent. There is no love or laughter or joy here. There are no kids here.  It is just me, yet not.

I am a prisoner inside my head.  I am a prisoner inside this hell.  All the trying and crawling and climbing and trying some more have done nothing but distract me to time passing. I am no better and I just feel lonelier.

I miss you love...I miss you.

Merry Christmas

And in the end I couldn't go. 

Instead I woke up early and gathered all the things I had bought to make at Thanksgiving but never did, and started to cook for GiGi and I.  The sun was shining and with no need to hurry and get ready to be somewhere it was relaxing and it was easy.  I cooked all day while GiGi rearranged her bedroom (what a nightmare).  Dust was flying, posters were ripped down and furniture was moved all around.  Now to put it back...ugh!  Swear words were flying, posters were ripped in half when tacks wouldn't stick in the walls and daggers were shot at me any time I asked if she wanted help.  I loved it!  It has been so long since she has been around, what with her 15 hour days.  She quit one job, did you know?  Do you see her?  Yeah, it was too much and she hit that proverbial wall hard.  It's good though, she needs a little down time and I need her home more.  Yeah...it's good.

When we finally sat to eat we both just looked at each other, exhausted,  and said 'this just all feels so wrong, so weird.' And it's true, while I am thankful for so many things, life for me, for us, right now is just 'flavorless'.  We ate in silence, lost in our own heads.  We have not come to terms with our new world.  Time has moved forward far faster than we have.  All we can do is hold on and try our best to keep up.  We think of how we left our family behind to become a new family here, and now that family is gone too.  We are sad and lonely for our loved ones and on a day when families everywhere are huddled close, making memories and breaking bread together it hits us hard just how deeply we feel our losses.  Just how deeply we miss you my love.  We never even finished our plates.

We miss you David, we struggle with life without you in it, but we want you to know that we had a very good day.  We are thankful for our memories and all that we have.  We love you dearly and you will always be with us.  We are so thankful that you were in our lives and that you loved us in such a big way.  

Merry Christmas my love, I hope your day was a great one.