I haven't come here in a while, I've wanted to, but I made myself not because I'm so tired of telling you I'm lost. Telling you I miss you. Expressing I'm scared.
But I am, and I do.
I am so frigging deep inside of lost that I'm petrified I will never find my way out.
I have been through SO much in my life but I'm strong, I pick up and walk through it...always. But THIS. THIS has crippled me. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I have been circling the drain for so long now and I can't make it stop.
I am so fucking deep inside lost.
It's been an interesting time. All these months, two years worth of months, and I think I am finally losing my mind...and my will.
I'm not sure what is happening to me, my anxiety level has reached epic heights. I am paralyzed. I am turning inward. I'm losing my words. My brain won't ever stop running. I cry all the time. I can no longer put one foot in front of the other...and I'm scared. All. The. Damn. Time.
I spend all day, every day, alone. Well, except for weekends. Weekends I still manage to drag myself to visit with friends. I don't want to half the time, I have nothing to say. I just can't carry on a conversation with anyone anymore. My friends, they don't know, they wouldn't get it, and why would they? This hasn't happened to them and they have families and jobs and lives. I do not. They know nothing of how I feel, how I am. They don't ask and I don't tell. I am a friend who once had everything they do and now has nothing. I don't talk because they won't understand, can't understand. I just don't fit in this puzzle anymore.
To say that I am lonely is laughable because what I am is a prisoner inside my head and no one can hear me scream. I thought my life had been spared because I was needed here but that was just a stupid lie. The kids don't need me anymore, they are too busy building their own lives, as they should be.
I don't want to play this game anymore.
It is just four days away from Christmas, I don't know what I am doing, where I am going or if I will even get out of bed. Oh, I know I will, I always do...if my eyes are open then I am up.
It is not Christmas in this house.
We have no tree.
We have no lights.
There is no garland.
Nor holiday cards placed around.
There are no gifts wrapped and prettily displayed.
No Christmas songs being sung.
No Christmas cheer at all.
There is no joy here.
I know the life you see here is not what you would want, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want right now. I can't be happy for you, I can't live the life you would want me to right now. I'm in a hole and I can't get out. I'm scared to death David, I'm scared because I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live without you. I've done that, I did that...I lived 27 years without you and I did it well. I was happy and strong and full of life. I overcame hardships and became better for it. Life was good...life was great. Then came you.
You showed me all I had been missing. You loved me more deeply than I ever thought was possible. You made me happier than I have ever been in all my life. You made me want for more and crave it all. We were so excited about our future and the plans we were making. The moments of our life together were filled with love and lessons and new traditions. This was it, this was our bliss...what we had longed for our whole lives and never found. But then we did, in each other and it was so great...lumps and bumps and all. It was ours and I loved it...I loved you.
So you see, I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to live a new life, make new memories...nothing. I want to be with you. I just want to be with you David.
I don't want to do this anymore.
