Deep Inside of Lost

I haven't come here in a while, I've wanted to, but I made myself not because I'm so tired of telling you I'm lost.  Telling you I miss you.  Expressing I'm scared.

But I am, and I do.

I am so frigging deep inside of lost that I'm petrified I will never find my way out.

I have been through SO much in my life but I'm strong, I pick up and walk through it...always. But THIS.  THIS has crippled me.  Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I have been circling the drain for so long now and I can't make it stop.

I am so fucking deep inside lost.

*WARNING...Bitchy rant ahead! Read at your own discretion.

In a conversation recently, there was a lull.  I just turned my head and looked out the window lost in thought. Well that's not true exactly, I wasn't lost, I know right where I was. Today the vision was stronger than the current moment and it pulled me in. Not long, just until a string of words pulled me back to now, these words..."I know how you feel, I went through a divorce."

Please NO. Not you too.

I suppose you saw my lack of attention as a shared experience kind of moment.  Damn, I hate when that happens! Why?  Because you have got it so wrong and I don't want to feel 'less' about one more person. I try not to, always I do, but somehow I just can't help but think those 10 little words just brought your smarts down a peg.  Far too many times in that awkward need to say something...anything, people say the STUPIDEST, most insensitive things of all. I know it comes only from a place of good, never meant to hurt or offend, but it so would have been better to say nothing at all. Just be silent in the moment and wait for me, I will be right back, I'm never gone for long.

Please don't think that I believe your experience of divorce wasn't painful.  Oh it was painful...gut wrenching, drop to your knees, silent stare, soul sucking painful. That for you it may have been the single most painful experience of your life, I mean, statistically speaking it is way up there in the 'Most stressful life situations' category. It's excruciating.

I know. I do, really...I've been there too. 

I went through a divorce, a 4 year fight against a madman who knew the lay of the land, where I did not. I was warned, by him, "If you don't smarten up and get your ass home I will ruin you, discredit your name and turn everyone against you, take every last penny you have, leave you friendless, and take our baby boy from you." I wasn't afraid of him, I stood my ground and fought the battle of my life...and lost. He wasn't lying, he did everything he promised to do...and more.  But first!  First I had to go through a horrific marriage that I finally fled after 15 weeks of co-living.  Don't let the short time of 15 weeks fool you, when living it each day is an eternity.  I never had the pleasure of many wonderful years together living, loving, laughing, dreaming etc.  My marriage was one giant mind suck manipulation after another.  He was an ex Army Ranger who used psychological warfare on me to the best of his ability.  I was violently sick all the time, being poisoned does that to you I suppose.  Every night I went to sleep with a shotgun pointed at my head.  It wasn't until too late that I learned he was discharged under suspicion of severe mental 'inconsistencies' listed as psychotic and sociopathic behavior.  He never even made it past training.  And it was even later when I learned he was a pedophile. Wow...really!  Thanks for the heads up everyone!

So yeah, I've been divorced and lost custody of my baby by the time it was over.  But this, this other experience, well...there just aren't words to compare.

So no.  No, you do not know how I feel.  I can relate to how you feel, but you cannot relate to how I feel.  And you won't, ever, until the day you watch with your own eyes,  your husband and your girlfriend die.

At. The. Exact. Same. Moment.

Rant over.

How Long?

I threw away your underwear today.  

Your socks too.  

And then I threw up.

I am no better.  All these damn months later, I am no better at all.

In fact, I think I feel worse.  It is a stuck, lost, empty, lonely, broken feeling that has become lodged in the center of my chest.  It allows very little air to pass and I still find myself gasping from time to time.  I'll be watching television or reading and suddenly realize that I can't breathe. It's too much.

You are the first thing I think of when I open my eyes, the last again before they close for the night...and all the minutes in between.  

This pain is consuming me.

It is eating me alive and I don't know how to make it go away.  I laugh, I joke, I do.  I do everything I'm supposed to do but it isn't helping at all. 

How long can I go on like this.  How long can one person live with pain like this.

I threw away your socks and underwear and it damn near killed me.  What the fuck David!  

I found dust all over your bed pillows and I burst out crying and couldn't wipe it off fast enough. Fuck  Fuck Fuck!  

I don't want to do this anymore,  I just don't want to live this way any longer.  It hurts so so bad.  I just want to see you and feel you and smell your skin.  I love you so much David.  How fucked up is that...I'm hopelessly in love with a dead man.  God I need help.  I just need it to all go away.

I don't want to live this life anymore.

Who is this me?

We are now in the midst of the second summer without you.  Life is so not the same anymore.

In the quiet moments, which they almost all are, I find myself realizing that I feel I no longer belong anywhere.  

For ten and a half years I belonged in AR raising two small children, teaching them how to read and write and do puzzles.  Teaching them about the earth and nature and that life does not exist inside a television set or hidden in electronics...it is outside in the world.  It is in the moments with family and friends.  And so that is where my children and I could be found every single day, rain or shine, snow or sun...outside and with family and with friends.  

Our summers were spent on the river.  I would crawl out of bed at the ass crack of dawn and do all the things that needed doing before packing a giant beach bag full of granola, fruit, drinks, yogurt and sometimes lunch meat, towels, books, water toys and water and dog food. Then, time to wake the kids and start our day.  

Then came you.

You picked me up and carried me twenty seven hundred miles away.  You taught me I was so much more than only a mother, to you I was everything.  I was your girlfriend, your love, your wife.  Our life together was just beginning, it was so brand new.  Now I belonged here. 

I worked so hard learning to balance a new life here while trying to continue to nurture a little life left there.  You worked so hard to let me...to make it possible for me to try.  You worked so hard at learning to share me and be without me.  We worked so hard.  

I never told you, never once, just how difficult all of it was for me.  Leaving my son behind, leaving you behind, it was tearing me apart but I held on as best I could.  Each time I left you was so very painful, but I was learning to live with the feeling of being pulled in two directions.  I was the chew toy in the middle of two dogs wanting dominance.  But still I belonged somewhere.

Now, I don't belong there and I don't belong here, yet here I am.  I don't know who I am anymore. I've no idea what I want or where I want to be.  Recently someone asked me "what do you want?"  and I honestly couldn't answer...what I want I can't have, where I want to be I can not go.

I don't belong anywhere, my path has dead ended, my dreams have died, my love is lost and I am left all alone.  I do not recognize myself at all.

I am so lost.

August 20th

Gillian has been gone for days now...off visiting with a friend.  I can't tell you how lonely and empty this house is.  How lonely and empty I am.  I'm at such a loss for words, I miss you so so much David.  I miss our life...I miss everything.  I look at your picture and shake my head because I SO don't understand what has happened here.  I am a very lost soul.

Gratitude

Well, I am no richer nor poorer...I did however sleep 8 solid hours, first time in 3 months and for that I have gratitude.

For many many things I have gratitude actually.  Never think that I don't baby, you know me better than that.  I may write about great sadness...a lot.  The shear magnitude of the loss, the void, where you once were brings me there often and I cry.  Many many many times a day in fact, but those moments are fleeting.  They are just little bursts of energy...like fireworks...where you have the HUGE bang of reality and all the little fingers of light that reach far out into the sky but then just as fast they fall backwards and disappear as if ti never was.  Standing there, you know that you were rocked to the core and you still feel the vibrations inside, and you know you are now prepared for the next huge bang to come...

I am still no clearer to understanding, I feel just as lost and confused as to the purpose of all this. How such a dear dear man and a dear dear woman could be chosen, two very gentle souls taken just when they, you were hitting your prime.  I'm not sure I will ever understand David, I'm not sure it could even matter or make any kind of difference in my world...the knowing.  The loss is large, the void is big, the pain is time infinity but the love is far greater than all that.  The love is to infinity and beyond...said like Buzz Lightyear just for you babe.

So now, with gratitude in my heart, I say Good morning lover...and Good morning Evelyn my sweet sister.

Peace, LOVE and happiness!!  xoxo

August 7th

Extreme highs
Immensely low lows
lost time 
lost love
lost
lost
lost
smiling 
then not
crying
then not
alone
but not
yet am
breathing
but not
alive
yet not
but trying

I'm trying love, and I'm doing, and I'm inching my way through.  I just pray you will be by my side through this journey, you said you would be by my side for the rest of my life...I know I can't see you now, but I hope you are still there.

I love you David and I miss you big.