Merry Christmas

And in the end I couldn't go. 

Instead I woke up early and gathered all the things I had bought to make at Thanksgiving but never did, and started to cook for GiGi and I.  The sun was shining and with no need to hurry and get ready to be somewhere it was relaxing and it was easy.  I cooked all day while GiGi rearranged her bedroom (what a nightmare).  Dust was flying, posters were ripped down and furniture was moved all around.  Now to put it back...ugh!  Swear words were flying, posters were ripped in half when tacks wouldn't stick in the walls and daggers were shot at me any time I asked if she wanted help.  I loved it!  It has been so long since she has been around, what with her 15 hour days.  She quit one job, did you know?  Do you see her?  Yeah, it was too much and she hit that proverbial wall hard.  It's good though, she needs a little down time and I need her home more.  Yeah...it's good.

When we finally sat to eat we both just looked at each other, exhausted,  and said 'this just all feels so wrong, so weird.' And it's true, while I am thankful for so many things, life for me, for us, right now is just 'flavorless'.  We ate in silence, lost in our own heads.  We have not come to terms with our new world.  Time has moved forward far faster than we have.  All we can do is hold on and try our best to keep up.  We think of how we left our family behind to become a new family here, and now that family is gone too.  We are sad and lonely for our loved ones and on a day when families everywhere are huddled close, making memories and breaking bread together it hits us hard just how deeply we feel our losses.  Just how deeply we miss you my love.  We never even finished our plates.

We miss you David, we struggle with life without you in it, but we want you to know that we had a very good day.  We are thankful for our memories and all that we have.  We love you dearly and you will always be with us.  We are so thankful that you were in our lives and that you loved us in such a big way.  

Merry Christmas my love, I hope your day was a great one.

Gratitude

Well, I am no richer nor poorer...I did however sleep 8 solid hours, first time in 3 months and for that I have gratitude.

For many many things I have gratitude actually.  Never think that I don't baby, you know me better than that.  I may write about great sadness...a lot.  The shear magnitude of the loss, the void, where you once were brings me there often and I cry.  Many many many times a day in fact, but those moments are fleeting.  They are just little bursts of energy...like fireworks...where you have the HUGE bang of reality and all the little fingers of light that reach far out into the sky but then just as fast they fall backwards and disappear as if ti never was.  Standing there, you know that you were rocked to the core and you still feel the vibrations inside, and you know you are now prepared for the next huge bang to come...

I am still no clearer to understanding, I feel just as lost and confused as to the purpose of all this. How such a dear dear man and a dear dear woman could be chosen, two very gentle souls taken just when they, you were hitting your prime.  I'm not sure I will ever understand David, I'm not sure it could even matter or make any kind of difference in my world...the knowing.  The loss is large, the void is big, the pain is time infinity but the love is far greater than all that.  The love is to infinity and beyond...said like Buzz Lightyear just for you babe.

So now, with gratitude in my heart, I say Good morning lover...and Good morning Evelyn my sweet sister.

Peace, LOVE and happiness!!  xoxo